Perspective

I don’t have to look too far in life to get some perspective. God always puts a certain person directly in my path just when I need reminding or reflection. Today I read the words of a friend of mine in regards to her precious little girl in Glory. Her story echoes what my heart speaks. Her understanding of it all somehow validated my hurt.

My father in law once told me that “the difference between pain and misery is the lack of growth”. Something about her precious words struck a chord. Something about it planted a seed of healing and I believe the gap between pain and misery is a bit smaller today. It wasn’t any one thing. Perhaps it is because she has such a sweet spirit, despite her loss, and I hope to be like that. I hope to be a beacon for others. I hope that others look at me, despite my loss, and see my faith in action.
Each night, like clockwork, I have flashes of my hospital stay. It hits me as soon as I turn the light off and close my eyes. I can feel each sting like it is still happening. I can see each color that I focused on. It is an extra sensory thing I pray one day dulls. I pray one day I will close my eyes to sleep and I will just drift off without painful memories.

Today as I read her words something struck me that I think may help with that, and maybe even help my dear readers. She wrote of her sweet baby girl… “this one precious little soul has brought all of these people together to worship, God was Present”….. I had forgotten that part. I had forgotten that from the moment we learned Nathan had passed, we were surrounded by believers. It started with our first nurse, and ended with the nurse who helped me to the car. There was not one person caring for me that was not a believer. Even my visitors commented on the spirit in the room. God was indeed present, even in our agony. There was so much love and peace in our room despite Nathan’s absence. We could all feel it. Even the few nonbelievers in my close circle could feel it. This presence changed us. This presence sustained us, and still does.

How could I forget this? Perhaps this will be the key to my sleepless nights. When those flashes come..because they will…to remember those moments of God’s presence instead. To remember those moments when God used Nathan’s life for such a purpose as worship. To remember how we all cried, and laughed at the same time. To remember the scriptures being brought to life, and the faith that was in motion. To remember all of this is a blessing. The fact that I have peaceful memories when I choose to train my brain to search for them is a gift.
Isn’t it just like the enemy to only remind us of the pain? Isn’t it just like him to poke and prod us with the loss? Isn’t it just like him to distract us from the glory that was and is still surrounding us? Sometimes I am so focused on trying to breathe, I overlook that God has not forgotten how to breathe for me. Sometimes I am so focused on trying to gain understanding, I forget there is peace beyond it.

Lord,
Thank you for giving me perspective. Thank You for using my sweet friends and family to get my attention when I ignore you. I am sorry for ceasing to Praise you for a moment. Thank You for your sovereignty and for never ever abandoning me. Thank You for working in our waiting. Thank You for building a bridge to you, and for allowing Nathan to cross it. Thank you that I not only get to cross it one day too, but that I will see our precious Nathan there. We will praise you together, and I will see with new sight.

Keep It Open

Today was a good Nathan Day. James and I use that type of blanket phrase because we have to have constant communication between us about Nathan. Any moment can be good or bad and it can be different for each of us at different times. If one of us is having a good Nathan Day we have to be sensitive if the other isn't and vise a versa. Resentment builds otherwise and who needs that?

When one of us is "off" the other needs to be "on". We have to be each other’s soldiers. This is the fight of our collective lives thus far. Because of our open communication about Nathan our marriage has never wavered. Our marriage is strong. Our marriage is solid. Keeping our focus on strengthening each other is how we can fight "The Enemy". Satan wants Nathans death to tear us apart. He wants the worst possible things for us. That is why he is referred to as "The Enemy".

The day of Nathan's funeral we sat amongst our parents and asked for prayer over our marriage. I asked that they pray a blanket of protection that we not loose each other in all of this pain. Over a year later I can say that this prayer of protection is still in full effect. This is a prayer in action.

Today we were not just able to talk to two sweet ladies at the bookstore about Nathan, but when we walked away we had a glow. A glow we now call a "Nathan Glow". I started telling these sweet ladies about our loss, and I instantly felt James beside me. I don't know how long he had been there, all I know was he was there, and that gave me strength. For the first time I understood what James means when he says " I love talking about Nathan with people, it never makes me sad, I am proud of my son."
Today for the first time I could hear above the noise in my mind, and in my heart, and hear the holy spirit say "Go ahead and talk about your boy".

I believe we planted seeds of peace today, and it all began with the strength we give each other on a daily basis. That strength goes straight from God to us, and we pass it along to each other. Perhaps we may have even changed someone's perspective today. Our talk on the way home was how Nathan is so much bigger than we will ever understand. He is so important in this life, and he doesn’t have to physically be here to leave His mark.

Nathan,
You are such a lucky little booger. We love you so much, and are very proud to tell people that you are part of us forever.
Love , Mommy and Daddy

A Peaceful Tapestry

A few weeks back James and I were flying back from Texas. My teary eyes were closed, thinking about Nathan. Grief just hit me, and opened my eyes to the most amazing thing. Out the window to my left was a portrait from God. Rows and Rows of peaceful, safe, perfect clouds. There seemed to be no end. I cannot describe the peace that fell over me being amongst those pillowy clouds that morning. But I can tell you that it was the closest I have felt to Nathan in quite a while. I wanted to share the actual picture with you in the hopes that it will comfort whomever or whatever you may be missing today. Hope is always there where you least expect it. Sometimes Hope begins with a memorable moment. Mine just happened to be clouds :)

Brave in progress

I have been working on being brave lately. I have been unable to put "grown up" furniture in the room that was to be Nathan's. I have moved the remaining furniture around a dozen times. I was able to recently turn a different crib into a toddler bed for the little ducklings that come to visit. But I could only handle putting up an air mattress for our adult visitors. For some reason putting a "real" bed, in what was to be his room, seemed very final to me. A big bed made it a guest room and seemed to put the final stamp on it.

Today was a huge milestone and very painful. Today we did just that. We set up our guest bed, and made that final gesture. My heart was not ready to do this but mind was. My mind said "Samara it is time". Maybe it wasn't my mind at all, but the voice of God. Either way it has been done.

I have let it sink in all day. It was a beautiful, breezy, sunshiny day so I did yard work. I mowed the lawn and cried the entire time. My heart just broke. Later while watching T.V. one character said to another...
"The pain never goes away, you just make room for it."
It was a completely unrelated show to my life. It was just a line in a script. But it really clung to me.

So after James was all tucked in, and I of course was wide awake, I went in and sat in our "new room". I rocked and rocked and cried and cried. And I stared at that big painful bed. And I remembered that line from T.V. today. And I thought to myself. It's true…because that is what I did today. I made room for pain.

You see… it is not going to go away. Nathan is never going to come home and sleep in this room. I must make room for the pain of growth. I must start making those final gestures of acceptance. I am going to cry…a lot. It is going to hurt beyond measure. I am going to ask God “Why?” countless times. However, in the end I must keep doing these things that are hard to do. I must face all the proverbial beds that I simply have to put up. I must be brave and keep trying.

I imagine I will live my whole life and never understand all of this. But I really do believe that one day I will be in Glory, and all of this will be revealed to me. There will not be any more confusion or pain. I believe that if I keep running the race, eyes fixed on the prize, that I will hear “Well Done”. Nathan will be there also and all of this will not have been for nothing. God has a purpose for it all.

While I wait, I must keep on living. I must remember that my story will always matter, and those that read these words matter a great deal. One day someone will have to face this very same thing, and maybe, just maybe, they will try to be brave too. I am learning that sometimes brave is a process.

The Shack

I really find it hard to recommend books related to grief. Grief is different for each of us and what helps me may not help someone else. I am careful not to take “too much” from grief support books whether they be fictional or non fictional. I find that a lot of the time the things I am highlighting can be found in my very own Bible, and I feel horrible when I overlook God’s word and hit the bookstores instead. But I also believe God inspires books that truly help people so I think a healthy balance of both is a wonderful idea.

That being said I recently read The Shack by: William P. Young.
I am admittedly late in the game reading this book. It seems like everyone has read it. I happened to see a copy on a goodwill shelf, and knew my sister had read it so I decided what the heck. I guess the best summary is that it is about a man who looses his young daughter to a violent crime. Later he receives a letter from God “Papa” inviting him back to the shack where she was killed. He does go and in turn has a personal journey with God and His three Persons, that changes him forever.

There is so much in this book that has been reported as controversial. I tend to swim upstream so controversial doesn’t bother me at all. But it may bother you so take heed. The writer makes God and His Trinity very personalized. So I only would recommend it if you are in need of healing your personal relationship with god and put religion aside.

Ok now that that is out of the way… there were two main points that struck my heart with some real power. I struggle with why God doesn’t stop our pain, loss, suffering? You know the real ugly stuff that hurts to your bones. The reality that God had the power to keep Nathan alive!

Character Mack has a similar question
“You may not cause those things, but you certainly don’t stop them.”

God “Papa’s” response
“There are millions of reasons to allow pain and hurt and suffering rather then to eradicate them, but most of those reasons can only be understood with each person’s story”

Doesn’t that just hit home. We will never understand loosing Nathan this side of heaven. But the reasons seem to be sometimes all I can focus on. It will never make sense, but it can be made good. In Nathan’s story there are moments of pure peace. There are moments of pure sadness. Sometimes there are just pure moments. I think the point is that there are moments at all. There is a story to be told, and every time I tell it, a seed is planted for something only God can grow. God has His reasons, and for me to understand them would take away from the miracle of grace. The grace that I even know God at all. That He knows I want to know the reasons and knows I am going to be angry, but He loves me anyway and is patient and helps me tell Nathan’s story despite not getting what I want.

Lastly Character Mack and I share the want to shed the “Great Sadness" His character states…
“The great sadness would not be a part of his identity any longer. He knew that (Missy) wouldn’t care if He refused to put it back on. In fact, she wouldn’t want Him to huddle in that shroud and would likely grieve for him if he did. He wondered who he would be now that he was letting all that go -to walk into each day without guilt and despair that had sucked the color of life out of everything”


This spoke so loudly to me. A little over a year it has been now, and I still catch myself feeling guilty if I am not sad a whole day. If I laugh to loud do I hurt Nathan’s feelings? If I decide not to lay in bed and enjoy the sunshine am I a horrible mother? If I want to become a new me, and leave the coat of sadness behind, what does that say about my love for Nathan? These have been my most painful innermost struggles in all of this. How do I move forward without hurting Nathan?

Dear Ones,
I think I have an idea. Our children are with the Lord in their glorified state. The state of Glory is so wonderful it is beyond anything we can imagine. Our children have experienced the presence of Glory. I am not certain if they can see us or not, but if they could see us, I doubt they would want to see us huddled in despair. They are in such holy presence that sadness does not exist. When we pick ourselves up and experience the color of life once again we do not offend or hurt them. If they could reach down to us and wipe our tears away. And in that moment we could see their sweet faces we would never feel guilty again.

We would see the safety that holds them every moment never letting go. We would see peace beyond peace. And I may be alone in saying this, but if I ever saw Nathan that safe and that happy with my own eyes I would send him back up on a very chubby cloud.

Shaken

There are times when the pressure behind my eyes is to great a thing. It comes mostly at bed time. When I close my eyes it is impossible to not see sad images. The harder I try to push them out the more they seem to stay. A lot of the times it is flashes of my hospital stay or Nathan's funeral. I say flashes because the whole scenario seemed like an out of body experience at times. Sometimes I only have pieces in my mind. Other things jump out at me and I remember every horrible detail. I work very hard to control my thoughts and focus on the positive. Most of the time this is when I write to you all. I also read book after book. There is a constant flow of the written word in my life. It does help distract my mind.

But there is this horrible image I just cannot shake. No matter how many blogs, or late night prayers, this horrible image of the nurse shaking my belly that hits me every night like clockwork. It is a terrible memory and has been very traumatic for me. Why do they do this? I get the idea of it, move the belly, and the baby will move. But what about the times when the baby does not move? What about the effect this has on the mother? This is what I remember most. I cannot speak for every mother, but I would bet that this is the one thing they remember most. It is that moment when you realize what they are checking for. In that moment you hold your breath, and are not sure you will ever breath again.

But alas you do breathe again. It is a different way of breathing, but breath all the same. I think a lot about that moment. That is when I knew in my heart that He was gone. Before all the monitors and machinery. I guess I knew because a mother just seems to know about her child. He always moved. He moved until he simply didn’t.

It is this particular memory where I struggle the most. Sometimes I wish I could wipe it from my memory. But I know I really wouldn’t. Because to wipe away any part it would take away from the time I had with Nathan. Unfortunately I must take the painful moments just as I do the wonderful. The painful ones are a part of my story as well, and just as important. The painful parts remind me that it was real. Nathan’s heart did beat and the silence of it in the end does not erase the beginning.

Sometimes late at night that is what I focus on. The beginning of Nathan….
And I can keep going because Nathan WAS before I even knew he WAS. He is such an important beginning and in Glory there is no end. He did not cease to exist, and no amount of shaking, can shake that he was “fearfully and wonderfully made” I carried Him and the LORD carried Him the rest of the way.

Even silence has a song

In the times of silence it helps to remember that silence is not a punishement. It is a time for us to be still and know. How refreshing to be reminded that it is O.K. to just be still and not have to figure it all out.

Healing Hearts

A big Thank You to...Healing Hearts Support Organization for providing Nathan's memorial brick at the Angel Of Hope Memorial in Lagrange,GA

This is a wonderful ministry if you are in need of support.

http://www.healingheartsorg.com/ Or
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Healing-Hearts/

The Anchor Holds

The Anchor Holds
Words and music by Lawrence Chewning and Ray Boltz

I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

Ive had visions
Ive had dreams
Ive even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

CHORUS

I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, that's where God proved His love to me

CHORUS (repeat)

Angry Pants

I have recently cycled through an "Angry" stage. I would not say I have said goodbye to this angry stage forever, as I am sure it will cycle back at some point. But this particular season of anger has passed for me, and I am very glad to see it go.

Anger is a strange emotion. I think that is mostly because it is often misdirected. When you loose a child who do you blame it on? Even when human error or reckless decision is involved who do you really blame? In the end doesn't God have the final say? How exactly does a person successfully express anger at the LORD? How does a person ever win that fight? How can a person effectively place blame with the LORD? I think it is human nature to blame our CREATOR when things fall apart. All the more reason for me to adore Him. He allows my rants and loves me still.

I think that anger can be as useful as it is strange. Anger can be used to propel us to another place. Anger can be a handy ladder to have to scale overwhelming walls. We can actually use anger as a catalyst to propel us higher than we could have before. I think this is why God allows it. Even when anger is directed at Him, He knows it has a purpose in the end. Only in being honest about your anger can you overcome what it was that made you angry in the first place. You have to sometimes meet the beast face to face before you can slay it.

I no longer feel like I am a horrible person for being angry. Mostly my anger was because everyone else’s lives seemed to move right along after Nathan’s death. They went to work. They had babies of their own. They laughed and experienced life. While mine seemed to stand still. The truth is that they were suppose to move forward. This is the natural progression of life. We are not meant to stay in misery.

In my humanness it was expected for me to be weak and to be jealous and to feel empty. I am not abnormal for feeling this way. This is what grace is for. God’s grace covers the ugliness of my anger and jealousy, and it allows for me to be forgiven…..especially to forgive myself.


Dear Ones,
Thank you for seeing me through this angry stage. Thank you for loving me despite my misdirected anger. Thank you for not even asking if it was you whom I was angry at? But instead for focusing on encouraging me without ever needing to know the answer.
I love you to reese’s pieces

Keep Your Eyes Open

Keep Your Eyes Open By: Need to Breathe

I love this song. It is like a personal reminder from the LORD. He is telling me to just keep my eyes open, keep my eyes focused on Him. If I just keep fighting the good fight He promises to never leave me. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel, and I can see glimpses of it. I can see glimpses of the brighter days ahead, and I must keep my eyes open during the pain and trials of the everyday. Closing them makes me loose my focus and puts me in the dark again. The battle is already won for me, I just have to keep strong and rememeber that the Lord sees what I cannot. His eyes are always open.

A Series of unfortunate events

A year ago today we buried our son. Last night on the eve of such a horrible day, we buried our sweet dacshund “MoMo”. He was our pal for eleven years. A few days prior to that, while we were at the beach, a man drowned while vacationing with his family.

What a bizarre turn of events. What unexpected sadness. One minute your life is this way and then it is jerked sideways. But still the sun will rise and set. Still the waves will rise and fall. Still we must carry on in some way.

I think Author James Patterson wrote it best in his work ANGEL ( a work of fiction in no way related to the loss of a child)
” The Weird, Weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you’re faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.”


This morning with all the sadness, and uncertainty of life, the sun was shining. There was a soft breeze, and the temperature was perfect. Isn't this just like God? Isn't it just His way to give us such a beautiful morning at the exact moment we need to be reminded He is with us? Somehow I could feel peace on the breeze. And while my eyes are swollen from tears, and my heart is heavy with loss, there is still a reassuring breeze that reminds me that all is not forgotten. As my hair tosses a bit in this breeze I realize.... I never imagined I could stand one year later. I never imagined I could live with such a hurt. And yet here I am. Not completely whole mind you, but together enough to appreciate the breeze itself.

Come and rest here

Kari Jobe "Here"

Here and Now

August 7 2011 I went to bed and I slept. I wasn't sure I would with the lingering tragedy of the night. But Nathan and We were in a safe place, and somehow I was blessed with a deep dreamless sleep.

I was changed. I was different. The life I knew was gone now. I wondered if I could go back? I would look and maybe even behave like me, but I wasn't the same person.

Everything was like a bad dream. "I now realized who I was for better or worse. There was no closing my eyes and sliding back into the blissful dream of "normal" This was my normal now."

To Quote Sara Groves.......
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I’ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned ...............

So Here I sit one year later. I breath a lot. I rest a lot. In these moments I am breathing and resting in God. I am also waiting. I am not sure what i am waiting for but I know God is here with me in the waiting. We are on our way to the beach and I plan to be away from it all during this week of Nathan's Birthday. So I am posting this a few days early in hopes that it brings me closer to our butterball as we journey there.

Nathan,
You are so loved and as near to us now as ever before. On your Birthday we will be at the beach. We are going to celebrate your life and laugh and be together as a family.
But don't worry sweet boy Daddy and I plan to watch the sunset on your Birthday. We are going to squish our toes in the sand, and that moment will be just for you and Mommy and Daddy. We will breath in and out and breath you in. We will rest in Jesus, and breath whispers all the way to where you are.

Happy Birthday Baby We love You,
Mommy and Daddy

Words I cannot speak

Here lately I have found that music is speaking the words I cannot seam to utter. Nathan's 1 year Birthday is a few weeks away and I have to admit that it is an ache in the pit of my stomach. It is a looming cloud of bitter sweet. I thank God for the miracle that Nathan remains, but it is difficult to accept his absence.

So in this space of waiting and pain I am finding music to speak louder than ever before. Through music I am able to praise God when I myself cannot utter the words on my heart.I will continue to praise God. I will praise because he is worthy, and also because through praise He defeats the enemy. Praising God will not bring Nathan back, but it does allow me to appreciate where he is. Praise brings me closer to Glory, and that is where my Son is. I want to be as close to Nathan as I can, and through God I can do that.

People comment that I am so strong. Actually I am not. I am very weak. I am heartbroken. I struggle every moment of the day. Sometimes breathing is so difficult I just want to crumble. But I am O.K. with being weak. Through my weakness and shaken faith God is mighty and strong. When you have nothing left, and everything you have ever dreamed is lost to you , you find yourself at the end of who you are. You find yourself at the end of all your expectations and plans. This can be a beautiful thing though. Because at the end of who you are is where God meets you. He meets you in the broken places when all seems lost, He meets you when you have no direction, and every step is shaky. In this place He gives you unimaginable peace. A peace that goes beyond words. In the crying out, and in the times of shouting “Why God? Why?” , and the times when my heart screams in agony, there is still peace. I find God in this place of brokenness.

Thank You God for music. Just when I need to release my emotion, I will hear a song that says what needs saying. Thank you to my sweet sister for sharing this song with me.

Won't Back Down

"Won't Back Down"


You woke the morning up
Running off my darkest night
The longest fight I've seen

And here goes a chance I know
Cashing in on all my chips
Let all my ships come fly

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of these ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Gave me second life, you kept me in this fight

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

And you found me once and for all
I laid it down in the sinking ground
The hopeless undertow

Singing out the gentle sound
Rattling through my smoking screens
My broken dreams last night

And these days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of these ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And all of your light, found my bottle in the night
You kept in this fight, you gave me second life

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

And I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain
Sing hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost, all is left to gain

I won't back down
And I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid

And I won't back down
And I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Sing Hallelujah...
Sing Hallelujah...

11 Months

Today Nathan, you would be 11 months old. We wonder how chubby you would be? We imagine you would be into everything, and keeping us very much on our toes.
Oh how we miss you sweet boy. We can rest assure just knowing that you are safe and sound with the LORD. We are blessed to know that one day we will be reunited. What sweet grace this is, that in our sadness we can still have hope and peace. So today we will not be sad but remember your chubby cheeks and blow you kisses.

What a Strange Place

I am in this place. An uncertain place. A place of waiting. A place that is very unfamiliar to me. I don't recognize the scenery. So I am just here in this place. I am waiting and praising all the while anticipating that Hope will reveal itself very soon.
I know something is just around the corner. I am struggling with what that might be.I am struggling with waiting for it to come to me, and for me not to chase it. To chase it, or see it before it's time is not "walking by faith"

I am struggling with my jelousy of close friends with new little ones. I struggle with every pregnant woman or baby I encounter. I am struggling with the ugliness and sadness that this envy brings.

I am simply in this place of struggle. I am struggling with my humanness. I am struggling with my sin nature.

But I do not doubt God is here. I do not doubt He has a plan in all of this. Believing in God is the one thing I seem to not be struggling with. So I tell myself let's start there and begin to trust a God in whom I can.







This One Place
By: Sara Groves

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

Hibernating

I am currently reading a book titled Assaulted by Grief: finding God in Broken Places. I normally do not read grief self help books because the titles alone make me sad. This one however was sent to my sister and I from her former college professor. It written by faculty members who have also lost children, and I have to say it has been very helpful and encouraging to read.

So tonight I am all tucked in, and the words jump out at me like the melody from an ice cream truck ( I am chubby so that explains the reference…I Digress). Professor Blevins writes, "One of the surprises was my hibernation…I broke into sobs so easily, I did not want to make others feel ill at ease or embarrass myself….walking to my car I realized: my fear of seeing others was no greater than other’s fear of seeing me!”

This is exactly how I feel.

I am very blessed that I have not had to go back to work yet. I concider it a true gift from my Husband and God, that I am allowed to take some time off for this journey. Not everyone is so lucky, and I am sincere in my acknowledgment.
I have busied myself with many other things, but have not had to force myself back into my old “normal” routine. But I sometimes feel like I am in this trance state, and until now I couldn’t find a word for it. Hibernating describes it perfectly. I sometimes am painfully aware that I keep safe and cozy in my own little cubby hole because I am afraid of the interaction I may face. I fear that I may break down at any moment so I tend to avoid social encounters as much as I can. I do attend church regularly, and have even taken part in volunteering, but if I am being honest I am uncomfortable the whole time. I worry about if people can see the invisible sign on my forehead “Caution grieving Mother, may explode at any time!”. I worry that someone will refer to Nathan by the simplest of “How are you doing?” I worry because I always seem to round the corner of the grocery store at the same time as a mommy with her brand new little boy, and I worry that today may be the day I burst into tears. I worry and worry in anticipation of awkwardness and pain. The whole time not thinking that I am not the only one uncomfortable. It is just as awkward for the other person. I don't have to fear that blinking neon "grief sign".
I actually went to a wedding a few weeks back, and enjoyed myself. But what you don’t know is that I could not breath for several seconds as I approached the doors. I ran into lots of loving faces. I had several wonderful embraces. Not once did anyone bring up Nathan, but the fear of it, almost kept be at home in hibernation. I bet they felt apprehension too. But they were brave and kind enough to approach me.

This is not healthy, but it is not abnormal. I cannot tell you how wonderful it felt to read that someone else felt this way too. How wonderful to know that someone else has struggled with feeling boxed in. If we are not careful Grief can trap us. Loss and Grief have a purpose. A purpose I will never understand. God gives no explanation to His ways. Tragedy strikes us all, mostly when we are not looking. But I do not believe it is for punishment. It is not because of some secret sin in our lives. God allows tragedy for reasons I cannot comprehend. But often tragedy allows for honest conversation with God. A relationship forms instead of a religion and we pray intimately probably for the first time.

Loss and Grief do have there place, but it is suppose to be a place where what we have learned cannot hold us. We have to break out of that place and go forward. We have to learn to breath differently. We have to learn to take different steps because we are not meant to sit still in anguish. We do not always get what we deserve, or at least what we think we deserve. We get what we get. We are not in control of what propels us to hibernate. We are only in control of how long we choose hibernate. I think it has comfort for a while, but sooner or later we have to come out of the safe place we have created because it is not realistic.

Life is messy, and unpredictable, but it is also wonderful, and funny. There are moments of joy that we are going to miss if we sit in grief’s cocoon too long. Think about this. If a caterpillar stays in the cocoon forever, won’t it just die? Eventually it has to become a new creature, bust out, and fly away. Can I get an Amen?

Trust In Me Now?

Thank you Mom for giving me wise counsel. Thank you for the honest conversation that inspired this honest blog.


Do I trust in God?
Do I trust in Him when He is all I have left?
Do I trust Him when I can’t feel Him? I have to be honest…Sometimes I fear that I only trust Him in theory.
To set it straight …I believe that every word of His Holy Word is divinely accurate. Even when I struggle with the meanings and my own interpretations. I trust that He is who He says He is. I Trust that He is The Great I Am. I Trust that He is my Creator.
I want to trust Him completely, in every area of my life. But some time after Nathan died I started to fear that I only trust Him in theory. Can this be right? Can I be holding back and choosing what and when I Trust God?

Recently I when to Nathan’s Grave. I went with my Husband on a beautiful evening. We sat for a while and I just could not hold back the tears. I shook my head at Heaven and cried “Why God? Why?” “How do I let Him Go?” “ How do I move forward Lord without leaving Him behind?” ‘What do you want for me?” “Will Nathan ever know how much we wanted Him?” “Will he ever know how much I ache for him?” “What do I do next” It was one of those waves of grief where I just wanted to pull up a pillow and sleep right there on the cold ground next to Nathan. One of those nights where James had to sweetly pick me up and force me to leave. That is always the hardest part. Knowing when to leave, knowing when to let go.

This is what I mean by trusting in theory. I am crying out to the right One. I am trusting that He hears my pleas. I am trusting that He has the answers. I am trusting that He knows the way. But I lack faith enough to just let Him lead me without Him telling me what our next move will be. I trust Him to Lead, but I struggle with side seat driving. How can I walk by faith if I feel I need the directions in advance? How can I trust that God knows the way when I desperately want Him to tell me our next move?

Other’s before me have asked God why?
J Randall O’Brien PhD. (President and Professor at Carson-Newman College) wrote the following in a wonderful book titled Assaulted by Grief: finding God in the Broken Places
Jeremiah certainly asked, “Why?” Habakkuk asked, “Why?” So did the Psalmist. Job asked God “Why?” five times in chapter 3 alone, Even Jesus cried out from the cross “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”……..it was precisely because they enjoyed such an intensely intimate relationship with their heavenly Father that each felt the freedom to express His true feelings…..Our Lord welcomes honest conversation, which is true prayer. If it were a sin to ask God, “Why” our Savior would not be sinless.

I love this excerpt because I am learning to Trust God with Nathan. Meaning his life, his death, and the life I am left to live. On those days when I shout a thousand “Why’s?” the excerpt above helps remind me that I am not sinning against God by questioning Him. Who else do you talk to about God? Except for God Himself.

Now for the sake of confusion. I know that the Bible clearly warns about how the clay should not ask the potter why He has made him this way. But for the strugglers out there such as myslef.. what a comfort to at least know that I am not a horrible sinner for doing so. And that God in all His Grace even allows me to do so.

Trusting God is sometimes a process, and it has to be an honest conversation you have with Him. You have to admit you are lacking trust. You have to go to the God you are not trusting, and ask Him to show you that trust. It is a full circle of emotion and it all starts with being Honest. Honesty with God is the start of it all. For I trust that he knows my heart through and through. I admit that I need a refresher course in trusting God, but at least I am honest about it. And so the dialog between Him and I has begun again. I am trying not to speak so much this time. I am really really trying.

Thank You Lord for allowing my to try and try again. Thank You for endless chances at the same things. Thank you for speaking to me in the silence. Can you teach me how to trust you properly.?
I trust you know how difficult I can be. Thank you for the whispered discipline. I trust that I need you. Desperately.
I trust you are the only One True God. Can we start there for today? I love you …I trust you knew that before time began .

Just Breathe

What an amazing song by Superchick. Sometimes, when all the air seems to be sucked out of the room, I have to remind myself to just breath. There are those times when my knees weaken and I fall into my grief. Those are the times when God does the breathing for me.

Walk with me

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

This illustrates my walk with God these days. I am the not so sure Piglet, and God is the ever comforting Pooh Bear. Sometimes it makes all the difference just knowing I am not alone. How gracious He is to walk beside me, and to remind me He is there. Oh... and for not being offended that I affectionatly refered to Him as "Pooh Bear".

oh LORD

Oh LORD,
What are you doing with all of this? What am I expected to learn from this pain? Am I doing O.K....at least for today anyway? Some days the pain is just so raw, and other days painfully far away. I am not sure which feels worse though, and I wonder if I am trusting you and your promise to prosper me. Do I even really know what it means to trust you? Will I one day be like Job or Paul even? Will I ever be strong and wise and close to you like they learned to be? Will others one day tell my story long after I am gone, and tell of my love and devotion to you even through the worst of times? Will I be able to be such a person that can even thank you for this trial? Am I really being refined? I don't feel refined just burned. Please remind me that one day....one day...one day...I don't even know what, just remind me LORD. Remind me how important I am to you. Remind me that you are still in control. You know me better than I do, Remind me LORD..remind me.

I do love you, you know,
Samara

A Sobering Question

Often the worst times are in the wee hours of the morning. You simply can’t sleep, even if you have a prescription that can take down a 300 pound bear, you still can’t sleep.
These are the times when I just get out of bed. I have two things I like to do.
First is clean. Reason One is that I enjoy a clean house, and reason two being that after a bit it helps lull you back to sleep with a sense of accomplishment at the very least.
Second is to write, Blogging to you sweet souls puts me more at ease than most things. Even if I start out angry or confused I end up with the peace that undoubtedly God had planned for me in the first place.

What kept me up tonight was the very sobering question we and or our family gets asked a lot. “Are you (they) going to try again?” I will tell you that there is nothing wrong with this question if asked at the appropriate time. After Nathan first passed away it offended me honestly. But now I can answer it knowing that the asker is not trying to hurt me at all. I think most people are generally good, and mean no harm. So I think that They are simply trying to help you place hope of a new beginning back in your heart. They are simply trying to comfort you in a way that seems appropriate in that moment. They simply want your pain to be set aside long enough to see the hope of maybe just maybe.

But these are the things that still run through my head when asked such a sobering question….
How could I even answer that question when I still feel like I am in a horrible dream sequence? Also what do they mean by try again? Do they mean try harder not to loose the next baby? Do they mean try not to blame ourselves every moment for loosing the last baby? Yes I want another baby, but not as a replacement! Does me even considering it make me a horrible person?
These thoughts and questions swirl around in my head until my eyelids get hot.

Now askers ...I know that you mean well. I know there is not an ounce of malice in your quandary. But I do recommend praying for God to show you when that window has been opened for discussion. Then you will know the right words to say at just the right time.

And for those of us being asked...Please know they mean no harm only comfort. So simply say what is comfortable for you. Be honest if you don't even want to answer. They will understand.

And if you have asked me or want to ask me here is my heartfelt response.
 "We are praying about it" because dear ones we honestly are, and that is all we know for now. We have learned through this tragedy that God really is in control of it all. So for us it is best to pray and be still. Let God's plan work itself out.

Satan will attack our grief journey. But scripture proves that we are not alone. Our suffering is only temporary. And that The Victor is on the way! So hold tight to the verses below and may they bring you courage. We may be weak but Jesus is strong, and we will overcome...even this.

1 Peter 5:8-11
New American Standard Bible (NASB)

8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
9 But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
11 To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Mother's Day

A special Mother's Day to all. This year is going to be especially difficult. That being said I am still blessed to have peace beyond understanding. Even though our little ones are not with us, We are still Mother's. We can have peace knowing they are safe and sound with the Lord.

The Cord
We are connected
My child and I
By an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us until birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth

This cord does its work
Right from the start
It binds us together
Attached to the heart

I know that it is there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me

The strength of this cord
It is hard to describe
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied

It is stronger than any cord man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight

And though you are gone
Though you're not here with me
The cord is still there
But no one can see

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised
I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before

I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child
Death cannot take it away



Thank You to Lori Beth Blaney, Director of Rachel's Gift Inc.
For Sending me this poem

The 8th day

Today I was bummed. I woke up bummed. Showered bummed. Got ready for the day bummed. And did everything bummed the rest of the day. At first I assumed it was because everything I tried on didn’t fit right. You ever have those days? Shirt too tight. Jeans tighter than yesterday. Even my shoes seemed tighter. Then I remembered the shoes never really fit right and that gave me slight relief. Why am I even keeping these silly shoes. I digress….

I spent the day with my sister. We did a little shopping. I used some awesome coupons, and even got 30cents off per gallon! (Thank You Kroger) This alone should have brightened my day. I even had a few really good laughs throughout. But still I was bummed. I even had a slight ache beyond my temples. But I just couldn’t name what it was that was bothering me. I mean besides the obvious, but that is an ache I have become familiar with. I even dare say an ache I am learning to live with. But for some reason today was different. I even had pizza for dinner! Which side note makes me instantly happy on every occasion.

Then I laid my head down, closed my eyes, and quickly it came to me. Today is the 8th of the month. Nathan’s 9 month mark. All day my heart was aching. I was out of sorts all day and just couldn’t name why. I am not sure how to feel exactly. Normally I anticipate the 8th of each month. I anticipate being a little sad and plan accordingly. But this month snuck up on me, and I cried thinking….
I wonder why? Does this make me a bad person? When did I stop counting the days? When did the 8th of the month become just another day? Is this progress or something negative? Is it O.K. that I did not mark the day?


The truth is that with or without me intentionally putting this day aside, my heart knew all along. My heart knew what day it was, but also knew I needed to keep living on this particular day. Maybe it was O.K. to feel a deeper ache today, but to keep going without giving the date itself power. Maybe I shouldn’t put the 8th day of each month in a box, and stare at it all day long. Maybe my heart will hurt and heal with or without my input. Grief obviously doesn’t need my itinerary. God is obviously healing my heart in His time. His time is perfect. Maybe I need to be O.K. that I went with the flow today. Truth be told Nathan is still safe and sound in Glory no matter what day it is. Maybe I need to start marking the 8th day of the month positive instead. The 8th day of the month is when I met Him. The 8th day of the month was when James and I finally held him and kissed his chubby cheeks. The 8th day of the month He was already in Glory.

Today I was shopping I saw a wall plaque that I really wanted to buy. The words really spoke to me. I have seen it a few times, and it always catches my attention. Maybe next week I will go ahead and get it. Because I just now realized what it truly means. It reads…..

Keep Calm and Carry On

Good advice, because in the end, the truth is that I hear God best in the stillness, and He can't guide my steps if don't keep moving.

A little reminder please

Lord, I know you guide my steps. I do not do anything without you. I am never without your affection. But today Lord I need reminded. I need reminded that this pain is just a part of the refining fire. I need reminded that one day I will be beyond this, and maybe even better because of it. I need you to remind me who I am to you, and that no matter my doubts, I still need to trust you. Today, this very moment, I need you to remind me to believe even though I cannot see. Remind me that this is just for a little while, and that "one day at a time" is an acceptable pace. Remind me that I do not have to move the mountains. Remind me that this is your task, and that I only have to climb them. As always thank you for your patience. You know my soul well. Sometimes I just need a little reminder. Thank You for you grace :)

What they don't tell you

During pregnancy we all gain a little weight. I did not gain an excessive amount of weight. The problem is that I was big before I got pregnant. So I just got rounder and rounder. But I was super cute at the time. In most cases after you bring baby home I imagine you tend to overlook it for a while. Because you are so filled with joy to care how big your butt got for one . And I am sure the sleepless nights keep you too busy to look at the scale.

But what no one tells those of us who don’t get to bring baby home, is that our bodies know we had a baby. We have the same post baby body. The same hormonal changes occurred and it takes some time to get back into shape. For a while….unless you are a superstar with unlimited income for personal trainers and someone to slap the carbs away….. you may still look a little pregnant. The problem is that grieving mother’s are too focused on getting out of bed to even worry about their physical appearance. It has been almost 9 months now, and I still look a little pregnant. And since I was big before Nathan my belly just seems to stay frozen at about 5 months Prego.

This is not really a problem in the grand scheme of things but I mention it because I was confronted by a kid in the store, and I cried about it for hours. I know I cannot be alone in this.

I was looking at some life vests for my nephew and this kid, probably about 8 years old, starts up a conversation. Asking me “if I am going to the beach“, and starts chatting me up about how much “he likes to swim“. So far so good right?
Then he asks if I have any “little kids” I tell Him “No” He asks why I "am looking at little kid stuff then ?“ I want to tell him that is none of his beeswax and shue him away, but instead I tell Him that “I am looking at them for my nephew.” He says “Oh that’s nice” walks up towards his grandma, gives it a few seconds, comes back, points at my stomach, and says “are you sure you don’t have any little kids?” I smile say “no I am sure“, and he gets bored enough to walk away.

Now I know this is just a kid. But I wish I could say this type of thing has only happened once in the past 8 months. It has happened several different ways actually. It has really taught me never to ask a woman “When she is due?” because you just never know the situation. I have been confronted several times with “If I have children?“ It always stings. I of course always tell them about my much older daughter Arlene, and smile. But it still stings because I should have two children. I should have a boy and a girl. The American dream right?

This random kid is not to blame for how I feel. All He did was bring to the surface something I am already struggling with. It is so hard to deal with a post baby body and not get to enjoy the baby. It is hard to deal with physical changes on top of emotional roller-coasters. It is hard to have the motivation to get physically healthy again when I should be toning up chasing a busy baby boy right now.

I just have to continually remind myself that I live in a fallen world. A world flawed to its core. But the good news is that this pain is only temporary. And the pain reminds me that this is not my home. For some reason Nathan’s time with us was limited. And for some reason we are left with a big question mark, and I am left with this flawed body. It simply is what it is. The only thing I can do is hang on and keep standing up. …..And I guess get on the dreaded treadmill…Lord Help me!

The Hurt and The Healer

Sunday Nathan would have been 8 Months old. It was a very difficult day. But today, the next day, marked the anniversary of the first time I felt Nathan move. So today I choose to replace the sadness with the happiness I felt with every little thump.

Today I was in the car and had to pull over when I heard this amazing song written and performed by Mercy Me (The Hurt and The Healer).
It speaks words that are in my heart. It speaks them louder than I can. Sometimes the power of a song is so great it leaves me speechless. This song did that for me today. All I could do was clutch my chest and cry healing tears. I am not alone.

It speaks of when "Glory meets our suffering". When "The Hurt and Healer collide". How powerful this is. That the Creator of it all, meets me in my pain. He meets me in my mess and does not scold me for my weakness. He collides with the ugliness and pain of this world and molds it into something worthy of praise.


Lord,
You are my healer. Thank you for your life, and for breathing life back into me today. You never forget me. You knew I needed you before I did. I am humbled by your love. "Deuces God, Deuces"

Angel On Loan

A Child Loaned
by Edgar Guest


"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she's dead.

"It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for me?

"She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.

"I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

"I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane,
I have selected you.

"Now, will you give her all your love,
And not think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call
And take her back again?

I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may.
And for the happiness we know,
Forever grateful stay.

"But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."

Oh Grief You Trickster

Grief is such a trickster. Let’s be honest I would use a much looser expletive, but this is a family friendly site. I Digress…..

The other night James and I went to a restaurant we had not been at before. We ran into our favorite server that we had not seen since I was very very pregnant. She had left another place we frequent right before, and did not know we had lost Nathan. She is a precious girl, and of course greeted us with the most excited “How is the baby?”

These moments are dreadful. Most of the time it is because James and I are concerned with how horrible the other person is going to feel. He or She feel awful for asking, but it is an honest question. How could they have imagined such a horrible ending to something so wonderful? So of course we told her and remained strong. We love talking about Nathan so as painful as the conversation is at first, it always ends up positive and uplifting.

You would think that with the above happening, and being able to talk about it openly, that I am very strong. I am actually not. I am quite weak. I just have a relationship with God and go to Him for strength. Most of the time I am fine around babies. Most of the time I see a pregnant woman and smile at the thought. But sometimes it hits me like a wave. Sometimes I simply fall right where I am.

I was in Wal-Mart just a few days after our restaurant encounter and heard a little baby crying at the other end of the store, and I lost it. I had to go into the bathroom and have a good solid cry. Here I was just a few days before telling my story full of smiles, and the next I am crying in the dog food isle.

There is just no way to predict when grief’s winds will blow your way. This makes me believe if grief had a gender she would be female. Let’s be honest ladies we can change our direction, mind, mood, appetite at a moments notice. Grief is an emotional wind that can suck you up at times. It helps me to give grief it’s due respect, but not give it control. I don’t know if that makes since or not. You have to spend your moments with grief. Never ignore her. It is healthy to cry when needed. It is healthy to be honest when you are not doing so well. But when grief gets out of hand remind her that this is your journey. God has your journey in His hands, and she can shake the boat all she wants. But it is still God’s boat.

My boat is not watertight. Sometimes it fills to the tip top. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am strong enough to tread water, and when I can’t anymore, God will pull me out or drain the water. Or maybe even do something more amazing. Either way I am not alone, and I don’t have to be strong all the time. I just have to be brave enough to try.

Thank You

Thank You God for moving mountains.....Even if You choose to move them just one inch at a time :)

Greeting Grief

Grief is such an unexpected house quest. Whether you hate your grief or embrace your grief doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it has showed up at your doorstep and you have a choice to make.

“Do I slam the door in it’s face and try to ignore it? Possibly even run out the back door? “ Or “Do I welcome it in and offer it to stay for coffee? Possibly for a short visit that will no doubt be the entire length of my favorite T.V. show? “
At some point, to avoid insanity, you have to make a choice. Run from the grief or embrace it?

A few weeks after we lost Nathan a sweet woman who works at our bank heard our story and she opened up about also loosing a son many years ago. She told me that yes it is difficult to go forward. But it is possible. It is a choice. You can choose to let the grief overcome you. To live life only a shell of who you once were. To live a life void of God’s blessings because your heart is full of regret and anger.

She expressed the flip side as well. Or you can embrace it and take a journey with it. See what God has for you on the other side of this trial. And gain a peace beyond understanding. You will never move on but you can move forward

She too is a believer and I could immediately feel her sweet spirit as she was speaking with James and I. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. While the world was spinning around us there was just the three of us. And she took valuable time to minister to a couple that needed to see her courage, we needed to be reminded that the power of God can still be found in dark places, and actually that is where the power of God shines the brightest.

I have carried these words with me thought the past 7 months. At the beginning we all were very afraid of which option I would choose, I had to choose one way to greet my grief. Ignoring it is not an option and it only leads to insanity. So with much prayer and the prayers of my amazing support system I choose and am able to embrace grief.


I open the door to grief when I feel it knocking. I am finding that if I am almost welcoming to it, the bad times are less frequent and the sting is a little less harsh each time.
But sometimes grief sneaks in the back door and knocks my knees completely out from under me. Expecting me to fall so far I won’t even try to get back up.
So I sit with it for a minute giving it some attention. I say good morning grief and then I tell it what we will be doing today. Grief we are going to get out of bed, take a shower, enjoy some coffee, talk to the lord, see what I need to be doing today and at some point I would like to get a nap in.
I am only able to do this because God has given me power through Him. Sometimes grief leaves quickly and sometimes it lingers. However it knows that it isn’t allowed to overcome me. Even grief must know it’s place in Gods plan. There will be pain. Grief will be part of it, but only within My God’s boundaries.

Thursday evening I was remembering Nathan’s features.
I could remember his dark hair, button nose, chubby hands, his broad shoulders.
But was very saddened because I could not remember if his eyebrows were light or dark? Or what his feet looked liked? Grief shot me out of bed and I had to get out Nathan’s memory box. I looked through all the photos and was frantically trying to find just one picture of his feet. I could never find one.
I was able to see that his eyebrows were lighter than his hair, and I had to accept that some memories just are not going to be so easy to recall. I have to accept that I won’t have pictures of every little thing.
I sat with grief for a bit that night. I had a good cry, but it was on my terms.

The fear of forgetting Nathan’s features is something I struggle with.
I simply have to see Him in my mind because memories are all I have left of Him. When you have no tangible evidence of your baby . You need your memories to be clear.
That is how you see them and bond with them. That is how you respect that they were once a living individual and not just something you held in your dreams.

I am glad that God sets boundaries even on grief. Almost as if it is there to serve me, by keeping me focused. If I stay focused I have the power to overcome. Grief can sometimes be useful. It can serve as a reminder that we are still in this place but we are in control of how we choose to meet the circumstances in this place. Pain reminds us that this is not our home.

Triggers

This past Thursday we celebrated that Nathan would have been 7 months old . It always brings a smile to my face thinking about what He would be like at this point. The eighth of the month always triggers happy thoughts and very little tears for me. We really try to celebrate the day, talk about him, remember the life of kicks and bounces, focus on the fact that He was here and not that he is not here. The eighth day of the month triggers warm feelings and happy memories of our 9 months together.

Most days are wonderful. Most days the things that trigger memories are good thoughts, and the painful ones are bearable. So I usually don’t pay much attention to what triggers my missing Him, but rather just accept grief when it comes and take a moments to sit with it. But sometimes the triggers are overwhelming as well.

My pack-n-play became a trigger this week as well. I see this pack -n- play all day long, it sits in my living room. It has become a regular fixture in the living room and it has never bothered me to use it for my nephew or any other visiting children. There are several of “Nathan’s” things that we currently use for our little visitors, and they never make me sad. Nathan was never brought home ,so He was never in any of them, so there is not a sentimental attachment to these objects. It actually makes me feel good to know that I can use them and not feel sad or guilty. The items that I do have attachment to, I have put up in His memory box.


But on this particular night I was overnight babysitting my nephew. We put the pack-n-play at the foot of the bed and I cried that cry. “The week knees cry”. I realized at that moment that we had not had the pack-n-play in that exact position since the night we went to go have Nathan. We had it set up waiting for our little man, who just simply didn’t come home. This was a trigger I wasn’t expecting. I see this pak-n-play everyday, but seeing it at the foot our bed let the floodgates open. I had to just sit on the edge of the bed and have a really good cry.

The last trigger I had recently was when we were moving our items into our new church building. All the little ones were going to be there “helping”. For a spilt second my mind deceived me and I thought “ Where am I going to keep Nathan while I am cleaning, so that He will……” and the second I thought it….I cried ….with the realization that Nathan is not here. I know that in my heart all the time, but sometimes it takes my mind a minute. Like they are off a few beats from each other sometimes. Because sometimes this feels like a very bad dream or a very good dream depending on which parts you focus on. But it feels like a dream all the same.

It is just so strange that he is not here, and while my friends are making plans for their little ones. I am not.
But I will say each of them help with this grief. They all embrace me with so much love, that I never feel baby less. I get to love their little ones and be a part of their everyday milestones. It has been such a blessing in a disaster. God knows how my heart will randomly ache and He provides friends like family, whose little ones are in need of a very special Aunt Sammy.

Triggers are different and hit at the most incontinent times. I am finding that when grief knocks your knees out. Simply sit with it for a while. Ignoring it is damaging. So I sit with it, and I have whatever cry I need. I also allow negativity in these moments. In these moments I yell all my “Why God Whys?” In these moments I second guess my progress. "Am I really doing as well as others say I am?" I shout all my imperfect curses towards Heaven. I even send up the most dreaded question , "was there something I could have done to make Nathan live?" I let it all fly up, whatever I need to purge, anything that is between the grief I am in and the place of peace I need to be in. I let it all go up and out, and I wait. I wait for minutes. I wait for days. Sometimes I wait for much longer .
And always while I am not looking, it finally comes back down to me. Peace beyond understanding. It always finds me right where I am. I never have to clean myself up for it’s arrival. God’s Grace simply finds me, and gives me the peace I need, right where I am, in His perfect time.

Our little blue butterfly

"Butterflies in general have many meanings within different cultures, with the most common being symbols for life, love, change or rebirth. Butterflies are also popularly thought to symbolize a person's essence, or soul, either past, present or future."

"A blue butterfly is a breathtaking example of Mother Nature at her finest. Because of its beauty, a blue butterfly is often thought to have special meaning and symbolism for those lucky enough to see one. Although seeing a blue butterfly is not a common experience, several species throughout the world are blue—or appear to be—and each holds special significance for its admirers."
Robin McClure- eHow contributor

I read the above information online(The Meaning of a Blue Butterfly @ eHow.com) I thought it was interesting because Nathan's memory "symbol", if you will,is a blue butterfly. Nathan is my blue butterfly. Amazingly the article states that it is rare to see them. And that a person is lucky to experience a blue butterfly. How true that is. I am lucky to have experienced Nathan's life and am still amazed at the impact His life has on so many people. What a rare butterfly He was indeed. Funny how one little blue butterfly can change your whole life.

Happy Tears

I was up later than usual this evening getting together my art supplies for the cards I am going to send out. I had cards made for nathan's blog and I am sending them several places to be handed out to grieving parents. I know God will be using these cards for great comfort. I was on my way to bed and felt the urge to check my e-mail.

I was brought to tears. The email was from a woman I had reached out to. I had sent her a card with the link to Nathan's blog. Never knowing if it would bless her life, but planted the seed of healing for God to grow.
She is the first person to request the comfort packet, and tell me her story.
I nearly fell to my knees. God told me to write this blog, God told me to make the comfort packets, God even told me to make the business cards about the blog to leave randomly. Even though somewhat scared, I knew it would help at least one person. God is going to minister to her in just the way she needs. God is going to give her the peace we all so desperately need.

I have cried happy tears tonight. I have cried in abundance tonight. I have cried because tonight I saw Nathan's life instead of His death. Through reaching out to grieving parents Nathan's legacy begins. I realized today that His life was not cut short, but perhaps His life was short to begin something so much bigger.

When the holy spirit speaks to you it is a moment you will never forget. I will never forget this moment and I am so grateful for God's presence. This woman blessed me in a way she will never know. It gave me joy unspeakable, just to be reminded that God is in control, even this blog is in his hands, and He is going to do amazing works.

Nathan,
Mommy misses you to pieces, but tonight you did not feel so far away. I Love You and don't worry....these are happy tears.

Progress

Today marks 6 months.
Unbelievable I know. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. I would not say it is getting any easier, but I am at a point where I am more and more at peace. James and I now have a codeword that we can whisper to each other if we are in a social situation, and get sad enough to need to leave. I read this idea in a book that one of my sister's professors sent us. He and His wife began doing this after they lost their son. If they were in a place and missing their son became to overwhelming, they would whisper their own codeword, and the other would know they were hurting. It is a way to kindly wrap things up and just be with each other. I think it is a wonderful tool.

6 months later I am finding that taking expectation out of things is allowing me to be more flexible and be very at peace with not being in control. James and I know that Nathan lived the days He was meant to, and we did not fail Him in any way. What is to happen will happen. God is in control, and I just have to surrender that He knows what is best for us. All I can do is hope, and keep going forward. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows how much we wanted Nathan, and He knows how hard loosing Him has been for us. I am in the best hands, even if I don't understand.

Something that has been difficult is learning how to adjust to being in public or anything social. I have always been a bit socially anxious, and never really liked crowds. Now it is just amplified.
I feel like I have a huge sign on me. "Warning Warning grieving Mother...could cry at any time" Like everyone is staring at me or something. Let's be honest. 99 percent of people are too busy with there own tasks to even notice me. And even if they do they are certainly not even aware of my grief. So I know it is crazy talk, but still it is a struggle. A breakdown in public has never even happened, but the fear of it can be debilitating.

One of the things I decided to do to overcome this is to volunteer a few hours a week at the Library.
I will only be doing it a few hours per week. But it is a huge step. It will merge me back into social settings, and force me to overcome.
I had to find something that was set apart from loosing Nathan. I need something that is just for me. I have to learn to separate myself from loosing Nathan. Not everything can be about that. That is why I have this blog. Here it can be all about Him all the time. It is a safe place. But I can't only focus on Him. I have to live this life. Even if He had lived it couldn't be all about Him.

While making small talk recently with someone new, the conversation led to if I have any children. I told Him about my 19 year old daughter, whom I was blessed to have adopted many years ago. I simply stated that James and I hope to add to our family one day. It felt like a slow motion moment. I did not mention Nathan even though I was thinking about him. But for the first time I felt O.K. with not mentioning Him. I did not feel guilty about not opening up the wound. I felt O.K. with thinking about Nathan but not mentioning Him in the setting I was in. It was a huge step.


With such a loss you feel that every moment you don't talk about your child you are somehow forgetting them and wronging them in some way. Even though deep down I know this is not the case, the yucky feelings are still there. So it was nice to have interaction about children without feeling this guilt. I have, and continue to honor Nathan’s memory. I am finding that I also honor Him with happy things. Every time I laugh I feel closer to Him.

Because you see God wants me to be happy. Laughing and enjoying moments is what God wants me to do. When I do what God wants, I am closer to Him. That same God holds it all in His hands, including our Nathan. So every step forward I take I am closer to it all.

Holding

Holding

In bitter waves of woe,
Beaten and tossed about,
By the sullen winds that blow,
From the desolate shores of doubt,
Where the anchors that faith has cast,
Are dragging in the gale,
I am quietly holding fast,
To the things that cannot fail.

--Washington Gladden

--

Well said Paul

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do:forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus

Philippians 3:12-14

Now this is some good stuff. This is just one thing I love about the Bible. It says exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. I love how Paul speaks of pressing on. Running the race so to speak. Not that we forget our little ones, but rather the pain associated with loosing them. I will never forget Nathan nor should I. He remains a miracle I am blessed to have experienced. I do not have to forget Him to forget the aching and breaking of my heart. I can set Him aside from that pain and see Him as a living gift from God. He just lives elsewhere, in His glorified body, and gets to hang out with Jesus every moment. What a lucky little booger.

The most amazing thing I have experienced this side of heaven was feeling Nathan grow within me. To feel His life is something I cherish. To see my belly grow as He grew was an awesome display. I loved every moment expecting Him. Now I must love every moment in anticipation of our reunion.

One day I will stand before The Lord. One day I will answer for my life. And even though I have questioned this trial and screamed of it's unfairness, he will give me the gift of being reunited with Nathan. Seeing Jesus, praising Him in Glory, is the goal, and will be the ultimate experience of my whole life. But He loves me so much he will still give me Nathan. Now that is Love. Even when it is all about Him he will still consider me. Heaven is not about Me and Nathan. But Jesus loves me to the point that He will still give that to me. He loves me that much.

Fly-Celine Dion

What a sweet sweet song. The words really touched my heart. Fly, Fly sweet Nathan. You are so safe and that makes Mommy and Daddy so happy. We love you sweet boy.

It's O.K.

This morning was a difficult morning. But that is O.K
This morning I missed Nathan more than I can describe. But that is O.K
This morning I questioned God's plan for me. But that is O.K
This morning I felt a bit more restless. But that is O.K.

This morning Satan taunted me with self doubt about Nathan's death. Making me feel guilt and filling my head with lies That is not O.K.

So I got out of bed and in that one gesture I fought back.
I took a shower and in that one gesture I fought back.
I got dressed and did not crawl back in bed and in that one gesture I fought back.

And then I prayed and in that one gesture Satan fled. God wins everytime. And that is more than O.K.

Why I pray

This time 5 months ago I said hello and goodbye to Nathan. Shalom sweet angel.
From the moment we learned Nathan had left us I felt God’s presence roll over me like a fog. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I felt only what I can describe as a “Peace Blanket”. I will never forget how God revealed Himself to me that night. He revealed Himself to me just like He has done for many before me. This was my burning bush moment. A moment where I could not deny Him. It was a supernatural experience that I cherish. As painful as not having Nathan is…And hear me out on this… I would not trade him being here for God revealing Himself to me. Don’t misunderstand me. I want my son here. I ache for his chubby fingers to wrap around mine. But that horrible night I really, really met God. I felt to my core what i have believed all these years. God revealed Himself to me despite my cries to take my life instead. God revealed Himself to me? Stubborn, broken, full of yuck… me?

Audrey Assad & Chris Tomlin sing a song called “Winter Snow” This song is written to describe how Jesus could have come to us any way he wanted. He could have come to us in a grand display, but he came more softly. They sing…..

You could’ve come like a mighty storm, with all of the strength of a hurricane.
You could’ve come like a forest fire. With the power of Heaven in your flame.
But you came like a winter snow. Quiet. Soft. And Slow.
Falling from the sky. In the night. To the earth below.

I heard this song the other day, and it brought me to tears. I relate to it differently then the way they intended because this is how I felt that night. God could have saved Nathan’s life. Even the next morning, as he was delivered, he could have breathed life into Nathan. He could have shown His power in a grand display, but instead he came to us quietly like a fog, and covered me in a “Peace Blanket”.

I don’t pray to a God that I created. I pray to a God that created me. He is not sitting around waiting on my instruction. He is not going to do what I want , but He is always going to answer. Mom has told us for years that “God has three answers. Yes. No. And Wait”
That night God said “No” when I begged. He said “No” when my sister was face on the floor begging. He said “No” to my husband who begged at my bedside. . but He said “Yes” when others prayed for our comfort.

I don’t pray because it necessarily changes the outcome. I pray because it changes me. It changes how I see things. It allows me a glimpse of God and how He sees things. I pray because it unleashes the power of God in my heart. Prayer does not mean I get what I choose. God is going to do what is in His will to do, what He has had planned from the beginning of creation. Prayer does not change God but it does change things.

Prayer will not bring Nathan back from the grave. It does however, take away the darkness of his grave.

Thank You Lord for not leaving me. Thank you for prayer. My Hope is in You.

What is normal anyway?

Today was not a bad day. I had one moment while I was vacuuming, but was able to carry on. So that is a pretty good day for me.

It was one of those moments where Nathan's absence hit me all at once. Most of the time I carry missing him like a horrible headache. It is something I carry all day, I am aware of it, but am able to function.

So I was vacuuming, and for a split second I wondered if the vacuum would wake Nathan up? Isn't that a wild thought? I know he is not here, but it is like my mind forgot for a moment, and regarded him as present. As if he was just in another room or something. The rude awakening of reality snapped my knees a little, and I immediately corrected my thoughts to think "I wonder if the vacuum would have woken Nathan up if he was here".

It is strange. Sometimes it is like a dream. Like this didn't really happen. Like I am watching a horrible movie. But Alas it is true, and I know I am not "Crazy" for these moments when my mind plays with what my heart knows is missing.
These moments actually make me feel as "normal" as possible. It is quite normal for a mother to think of her child. It is quite normal for me to regard Nathan. To wonder about what he would be doing, or how things would affect him. And even those split seconds of confusion are normal too.
The fact that I can bounce back from these moments is proof of my progress.

I am not even sure what normal is anyway. You can't put this loss in a box or any other loss for that matter. What works for me may not work for someone else, and vice a versa. My grief is not the same as anyone Else's even if the situations are the same. The only thing I know for sure about Grief is that it does not discriminate. It hits anyone at anytime. It does not care who you are or what you have done. Good or bad. No one person stands out.

Those of us on the road of loss can only give each other landmarks as a guide because our maps are all different. They have to be because our destinations are not the same. Up or Down? Left or right? It is all confusion really, and in the end the fact that none of us know the way alone helps me feel more normal. There isn't a short cut I am missing. Others feel the way I do.
And while confusion exists...at least we are not alone, and if we believe I think we will find that Jesus provides excellent maps and even shelter on the road. He was a Carpenter after all.

A Grief Observed

I wish I could take credit for the title of this blog. But I just finished a short book written by C.S. Lewis titled A Grief Observed. I highly recommend this book with a small disclaimer.

First, it is written in a very, how shall I put it?, a very "Smart" style. I had to look up a few words in the dictionary myself. So don't feel bad if you have to read a few sentences over again like I did. He was a theologian after all.

Second, it is a very powerful book. He writes openly. He writes those things we think, but never say out loud, somehow thinking we can hide our true feelings from our creator. It is powerful reading his anger, and questions, and uncertainty, and relating to them in such a raw way. It is even more powerful coming to terms with the acceptance He finds in the end. He bounces back and forth in the stages of grief, and helped me to feel "normal" for also feeling this way. It helped guide me to a different place.

Not to say that I am O.K. with such a loss as Nathan. Not to say I do not have my moments of anger. And certainly not to say that in my anguish I have not screamed to Heaven, desperate for God to send Nathan back to us. But I will say that this book brought about things I was not even aware I needed to come to terms with. Feelings I am holding onto because I think they bring me closer to Nathan. When in reality they only make Him seem further away.

Who told me that the harder I cry the better Mother I am? Who told me that there is shame in me getting better? Who told me that there is shame in laughing? God never told me such things. Ahhhh it is "The Enemy"of course.

He deceives me by leading me to believe that by moving forward I love Nathan less. His lies lead me to think that without my baby here I am no longer a mother. He shames me into thinking that my body is tainted and useless and lead to Nathan's death. He attacks me daily in the hope that I will turn and attack myself. But I think he underestimates MY GOD.

I am not strong enough. I am desperate. I am weak. I am scared. But I am also tapped into the power of the one true GOD. Nothing can separate me from Him. So perhaps Mr. Enemy you should realize you are wasting your time. You may knock me down, maybe even several times, but i am going to keep getting back up. I am not going to curse God or quit believing in His plan for my life. You are not going to make me turn my back on my creator. I will doubt myself, that is true, but My God will show me the truth. My God never lies. My God never leaves me. I will be sad, but My God will embrace me.

Simply put I am learning that the harder I fight the enemy, and the less I mourn Nathan, the closer He is to me. I am His mother no matter where he is. He was born in Glory, but that does not take away that he lived for 9 months within me. My son is with God, and yet he is still my son.

"The aching may remain, but the breaking does not"-Andrew Peterson