Tomorrow will Be August 8th. It will be Nathan's second birthday. As I write this there is an ache in my chest, but also a smile in my heart. There has been so much growth on this journey. Sometimes the loss seems very far behind me, and other days it is so close I can barely breathe. I recently published my story, and it has been such an honor to share Nathan with this big world. It really has been amazing grace the past two years. I have been awakened to my purpose. My purpose is to serve others, and point them to the LORD.
Since Nathan passed I have felt this power inside me. A power to impact lives with this tragedy. A power from God that is so real I have to act, it simply pours out of me now. Two years later I believe now more than ever that Nathan’s purpose is so much bigger than I can ever imagine. Although his earthly time was short, he lives. He lives is the work God is doing. He lives in the hearts that are experiencing God for the first time. He lives everytime I laugh. He lives in each act of kindness. He lives in every moment of my day, and this is only possible through Christ.
Dear one do you know how precious it is to know without any doubt that the creator of it all holds you in his hands? To know that you are valued more than you could ever imagine? Two years later I know this. I know that I was created for this very moment. I was created to be Nathan’s mother. I was created to be the mother of a miracle that will never end. I was created to bless others who are hurting. My purpose is clear to me now, and I am humbled. I am humbled that in my mess, God still choose me to make a difference. As imperfect as I am God works through me in a way only He can. God took Nathan from this earth this is true. However, he took him HOME. He took Him to a glory beyond words. Can you imagine how amazing it was for Nathan to be safe and sound within me, and then to be born in Glory. The first face He ever saw was the LORD. It brings me to tears that Nathan is in the presence of my savior, and he has never experienced anything but the goodness of God. He has never, nor will he ever feel pain. He will never be sad, not ever. As a parent this is music to my heart. Nathan was created, born, but never really died.
God is real to me now more than ever. He revealed himself to me in a darkness I couldn’t not imagine. He continues to heal my heart, and breathe new life into me. I have to admit that even with this assurance and peace; I still have moments of restlessness. I don’t know what to do with the ache some days. This morning I had that weak at the knees moment. I had to sit on my bed and spend quite a while with the LORD. I sobbed and lifted my hands to God in anguish. I could not utter one word; all I could do was feel it. But I was not alone. God‘s presence filled the room and I felt peace wash over me. That same peace blanket that covered me two years ago covered me again. God has given me something real. He has revealed a part of Him I never knew before. He has awakened my heart with true, undeniable peace. I have peace in my anguish, and as contradictory as it sounds it is real. I can be in the middle of the storm, and close my eyes, and be at peace. I can lay and stare up at the clouds for hours. I can appreciate the breeze, the sunset, the sunrise. I can appreciate so much more now than I ever could before. I cannot change what happened. I cannot bring Nathan back. However I can trade my misery for ministry.
I can live each moment with a certantity so far beyond my understanding that I can only be at peace. There are moments of pain, but never uncertantity. I am certain there is a loving God. I am certain that I was made for such a time as this. All of the pain in the past two years does not overshadow that this life I now live is no accident. No matter what roads I have traveled, led me here. I feel as if I have lived a lifetime in the past two years. But this is something I am grateful for. In my humanness I cannot utter the words that I am grateful for Nathan’s passing, but I am grateful for the experience of it. I have traveled this road of uncertainty, and I cannot remember that I ever cursed God. I questioned him of course, but always believing. I am pressing on day by day. Some days are leaps, and others are shuffles, but I am moving. I am moving forward, not moving on. I cannot ever put this behind me. But I can carry it with me as a blessing, and remember that Nathan is still a miracle. For some reason this life was made for me. For some reason I am where I am. But the reason does not matter to me as much today. What matters to me is the journey, and the lives I impact on the road. What matters are my relationships. What matters is that I reflect Christ enough to help others.
Two years later what matters to me has shifted. I care about many things, but there are two things more precious to me than anything. First is that I serve others so that when I meet my savior I will hear “Well done”. Secondly is my promised reunion with Nathan. These two things are what keep me going. When I bless others I heal, and they see the LORD, and when I see the LORD, I see will see Nathan too.
For Me there is no question that there is a loving God, but perhaps someone reading this wonders "With all this pain in life, Is there a loving God?, Maybe?" Sometimes we are meant for things that only God can see. There is a loving God that loves you, and has plans for you....even in your doubt.
