Hibernating

I am currently reading a book titled Assaulted by Grief: finding God in Broken Places. I normally do not read grief self help books because the titles alone make me sad. This one however was sent to my sister and I from her former college professor. It written by faculty members who have also lost children, and I have to say it has been very helpful and encouraging to read.

So tonight I am all tucked in, and the words jump out at me like the melody from an ice cream truck ( I am chubby so that explains the reference…I Digress). Professor Blevins writes, "One of the surprises was my hibernation…I broke into sobs so easily, I did not want to make others feel ill at ease or embarrass myself….walking to my car I realized: my fear of seeing others was no greater than other’s fear of seeing me!”

This is exactly how I feel.

I am very blessed that I have not had to go back to work yet. I concider it a true gift from my Husband and God, that I am allowed to take some time off for this journey. Not everyone is so lucky, and I am sincere in my acknowledgment.
I have busied myself with many other things, but have not had to force myself back into my old “normal” routine. But I sometimes feel like I am in this trance state, and until now I couldn’t find a word for it. Hibernating describes it perfectly. I sometimes am painfully aware that I keep safe and cozy in my own little cubby hole because I am afraid of the interaction I may face. I fear that I may break down at any moment so I tend to avoid social encounters as much as I can. I do attend church regularly, and have even taken part in volunteering, but if I am being honest I am uncomfortable the whole time. I worry about if people can see the invisible sign on my forehead “Caution grieving Mother, may explode at any time!”. I worry that someone will refer to Nathan by the simplest of “How are you doing?” I worry because I always seem to round the corner of the grocery store at the same time as a mommy with her brand new little boy, and I worry that today may be the day I burst into tears. I worry and worry in anticipation of awkwardness and pain. The whole time not thinking that I am not the only one uncomfortable. It is just as awkward for the other person. I don't have to fear that blinking neon "grief sign".
I actually went to a wedding a few weeks back, and enjoyed myself. But what you don’t know is that I could not breath for several seconds as I approached the doors. I ran into lots of loving faces. I had several wonderful embraces. Not once did anyone bring up Nathan, but the fear of it, almost kept be at home in hibernation. I bet they felt apprehension too. But they were brave and kind enough to approach me.

This is not healthy, but it is not abnormal. I cannot tell you how wonderful it felt to read that someone else felt this way too. How wonderful to know that someone else has struggled with feeling boxed in. If we are not careful Grief can trap us. Loss and Grief have a purpose. A purpose I will never understand. God gives no explanation to His ways. Tragedy strikes us all, mostly when we are not looking. But I do not believe it is for punishment. It is not because of some secret sin in our lives. God allows tragedy for reasons I cannot comprehend. But often tragedy allows for honest conversation with God. A relationship forms instead of a religion and we pray intimately probably for the first time.

Loss and Grief do have there place, but it is suppose to be a place where what we have learned cannot hold us. We have to break out of that place and go forward. We have to learn to breath differently. We have to learn to take different steps because we are not meant to sit still in anguish. We do not always get what we deserve, or at least what we think we deserve. We get what we get. We are not in control of what propels us to hibernate. We are only in control of how long we choose hibernate. I think it has comfort for a while, but sooner or later we have to come out of the safe place we have created because it is not realistic.

Life is messy, and unpredictable, but it is also wonderful, and funny. There are moments of joy that we are going to miss if we sit in grief’s cocoon too long. Think about this. If a caterpillar stays in the cocoon forever, won’t it just die? Eventually it has to become a new creature, bust out, and fly away. Can I get an Amen?

Trust In Me Now?

Thank you Mom for giving me wise counsel. Thank you for the honest conversation that inspired this honest blog.


Do I trust in God?
Do I trust in Him when He is all I have left?
Do I trust Him when I can’t feel Him? I have to be honest…Sometimes I fear that I only trust Him in theory.
To set it straight …I believe that every word of His Holy Word is divinely accurate. Even when I struggle with the meanings and my own interpretations. I trust that He is who He says He is. I Trust that He is The Great I Am. I Trust that He is my Creator.
I want to trust Him completely, in every area of my life. But some time after Nathan died I started to fear that I only trust Him in theory. Can this be right? Can I be holding back and choosing what and when I Trust God?

Recently I when to Nathan’s Grave. I went with my Husband on a beautiful evening. We sat for a while and I just could not hold back the tears. I shook my head at Heaven and cried “Why God? Why?” “How do I let Him Go?” “ How do I move forward Lord without leaving Him behind?” ‘What do you want for me?” “Will Nathan ever know how much we wanted Him?” “Will he ever know how much I ache for him?” “What do I do next” It was one of those waves of grief where I just wanted to pull up a pillow and sleep right there on the cold ground next to Nathan. One of those nights where James had to sweetly pick me up and force me to leave. That is always the hardest part. Knowing when to leave, knowing when to let go.

This is what I mean by trusting in theory. I am crying out to the right One. I am trusting that He hears my pleas. I am trusting that He has the answers. I am trusting that He knows the way. But I lack faith enough to just let Him lead me without Him telling me what our next move will be. I trust Him to Lead, but I struggle with side seat driving. How can I walk by faith if I feel I need the directions in advance? How can I trust that God knows the way when I desperately want Him to tell me our next move?

Other’s before me have asked God why?
J Randall O’Brien PhD. (President and Professor at Carson-Newman College) wrote the following in a wonderful book titled Assaulted by Grief: finding God in the Broken Places
Jeremiah certainly asked, “Why?” Habakkuk asked, “Why?” So did the Psalmist. Job asked God “Why?” five times in chapter 3 alone, Even Jesus cried out from the cross “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”……..it was precisely because they enjoyed such an intensely intimate relationship with their heavenly Father that each felt the freedom to express His true feelings…..Our Lord welcomes honest conversation, which is true prayer. If it were a sin to ask God, “Why” our Savior would not be sinless.

I love this excerpt because I am learning to Trust God with Nathan. Meaning his life, his death, and the life I am left to live. On those days when I shout a thousand “Why’s?” the excerpt above helps remind me that I am not sinning against God by questioning Him. Who else do you talk to about God? Except for God Himself.

Now for the sake of confusion. I know that the Bible clearly warns about how the clay should not ask the potter why He has made him this way. But for the strugglers out there such as myslef.. what a comfort to at least know that I am not a horrible sinner for doing so. And that God in all His Grace even allows me to do so.

Trusting God is sometimes a process, and it has to be an honest conversation you have with Him. You have to admit you are lacking trust. You have to go to the God you are not trusting, and ask Him to show you that trust. It is a full circle of emotion and it all starts with being Honest. Honesty with God is the start of it all. For I trust that he knows my heart through and through. I admit that I need a refresher course in trusting God, but at least I am honest about it. And so the dialog between Him and I has begun again. I am trying not to speak so much this time. I am really really trying.

Thank You Lord for allowing my to try and try again. Thank You for endless chances at the same things. Thank you for speaking to me in the silence. Can you teach me how to trust you properly.?
I trust you know how difficult I can be. Thank you for the whispered discipline. I trust that I need you. Desperately.
I trust you are the only One True God. Can we start there for today? I love you …I trust you knew that before time began .

Just Breathe

What an amazing song by Superchick. Sometimes, when all the air seems to be sucked out of the room, I have to remind myself to just breath. There are those times when my knees weaken and I fall into my grief. Those are the times when God does the breathing for me.

Walk with me

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

This illustrates my walk with God these days. I am the not so sure Piglet, and God is the ever comforting Pooh Bear. Sometimes it makes all the difference just knowing I am not alone. How gracious He is to walk beside me, and to remind me He is there. Oh... and for not being offended that I affectionatly refered to Him as "Pooh Bear".