Perspective

I don’t have to look too far in life to get some perspective. God always puts a certain person directly in my path just when I need reminding or reflection. Today I read the words of a friend of mine in regards to her precious little girl in Glory. Her story echoes what my heart speaks. Her understanding of it all somehow validated my hurt.

My father in law once told me that “the difference between pain and misery is the lack of growth”. Something about her precious words struck a chord. Something about it planted a seed of healing and I believe the gap between pain and misery is a bit smaller today. It wasn’t any one thing. Perhaps it is because she has such a sweet spirit, despite her loss, and I hope to be like that. I hope to be a beacon for others. I hope that others look at me, despite my loss, and see my faith in action.
Each night, like clockwork, I have flashes of my hospital stay. It hits me as soon as I turn the light off and close my eyes. I can feel each sting like it is still happening. I can see each color that I focused on. It is an extra sensory thing I pray one day dulls. I pray one day I will close my eyes to sleep and I will just drift off without painful memories.

Today as I read her words something struck me that I think may help with that, and maybe even help my dear readers. She wrote of her sweet baby girl… “this one precious little soul has brought all of these people together to worship, God was Present”….. I had forgotten that part. I had forgotten that from the moment we learned Nathan had passed, we were surrounded by believers. It started with our first nurse, and ended with the nurse who helped me to the car. There was not one person caring for me that was not a believer. Even my visitors commented on the spirit in the room. God was indeed present, even in our agony. There was so much love and peace in our room despite Nathan’s absence. We could all feel it. Even the few nonbelievers in my close circle could feel it. This presence changed us. This presence sustained us, and still does.

How could I forget this? Perhaps this will be the key to my sleepless nights. When those flashes come..because they will…to remember those moments of God’s presence instead. To remember those moments when God used Nathan’s life for such a purpose as worship. To remember how we all cried, and laughed at the same time. To remember the scriptures being brought to life, and the faith that was in motion. To remember all of this is a blessing. The fact that I have peaceful memories when I choose to train my brain to search for them is a gift.
Isn’t it just like the enemy to only remind us of the pain? Isn’t it just like him to poke and prod us with the loss? Isn’t it just like him to distract us from the glory that was and is still surrounding us? Sometimes I am so focused on trying to breathe, I overlook that God has not forgotten how to breathe for me. Sometimes I am so focused on trying to gain understanding, I forget there is peace beyond it.

Lord,
Thank you for giving me perspective. Thank You for using my sweet friends and family to get my attention when I ignore you. I am sorry for ceasing to Praise you for a moment. Thank You for your sovereignty and for never ever abandoning me. Thank You for working in our waiting. Thank You for building a bridge to you, and for allowing Nathan to cross it. Thank you that I not only get to cross it one day too, but that I will see our precious Nathan there. We will praise you together, and I will see with new sight.

Keep It Open

Today was a good Nathan Day. James and I use that type of blanket phrase because we have to have constant communication between us about Nathan. Any moment can be good or bad and it can be different for each of us at different times. If one of us is having a good Nathan Day we have to be sensitive if the other isn't and vise a versa. Resentment builds otherwise and who needs that?

When one of us is "off" the other needs to be "on". We have to be each other’s soldiers. This is the fight of our collective lives thus far. Because of our open communication about Nathan our marriage has never wavered. Our marriage is strong. Our marriage is solid. Keeping our focus on strengthening each other is how we can fight "The Enemy". Satan wants Nathans death to tear us apart. He wants the worst possible things for us. That is why he is referred to as "The Enemy".

The day of Nathan's funeral we sat amongst our parents and asked for prayer over our marriage. I asked that they pray a blanket of protection that we not loose each other in all of this pain. Over a year later I can say that this prayer of protection is still in full effect. This is a prayer in action.

Today we were not just able to talk to two sweet ladies at the bookstore about Nathan, but when we walked away we had a glow. A glow we now call a "Nathan Glow". I started telling these sweet ladies about our loss, and I instantly felt James beside me. I don't know how long he had been there, all I know was he was there, and that gave me strength. For the first time I understood what James means when he says " I love talking about Nathan with people, it never makes me sad, I am proud of my son."
Today for the first time I could hear above the noise in my mind, and in my heart, and hear the holy spirit say "Go ahead and talk about your boy".

I believe we planted seeds of peace today, and it all began with the strength we give each other on a daily basis. That strength goes straight from God to us, and we pass it along to each other. Perhaps we may have even changed someone's perspective today. Our talk on the way home was how Nathan is so much bigger than we will ever understand. He is so important in this life, and he doesn’t have to physically be here to leave His mark.

Nathan,
You are such a lucky little booger. We love you so much, and are very proud to tell people that you are part of us forever.
Love , Mommy and Daddy