Today we celebrate Four Years of Nathan’s Birth in Glory. It is a strange celebration. A strange, painful, and yet all at the same time peaceful day. After Nathan’s passing we had a Remembrance Ceremony instead of a Dedication. I love the wording in the ceremony….
”We, James and Samara Brennan, in memory of our son Nathan Dean Brennan and Having full faith that Nathan resides with our Lord Jesus Christ, commit ourselves to the continued service of the Lord, with the knowledge that we to will one day be with our Savior and with our son Nathan”
We stood before our friends and family and we declared that we would continue to serve the LORD. Four years later… We are firm in our faith. We are strong in our marriage. We are lifted up daily by an extraordinary support group of friends and family. We have not come this far alone. We do not take for granted those that have traveled this journey with us. We are grateful for the accountability. We are humbled in serving the LORD. Serving a faithful God is a reward in and of itself. In serving Him, we have been blessed with true peace beyond understanding. This peace has carried us through, and it is most precious to us.
My grateful heart does not mean my days are without the ache. I just acknowledge the ache. I wake with it, I breathe it in. The ache never leaves me. The best way to describe it is a balloon that floats above me. It is tethered to me by an almost invisible string. Some days it is quite high above me. Some days it is hovering right at my shoulders. It floats up. It floats down. But I am never unaware of its presence.
Each morning is a choice. I choose to take shallow breaths, until I can breathe deeper. I choose to praise the LORD. I choose life, because Christ fills me with purpose and strength. I am very weak on my own. There is no earthly reason why I have come this far. The peace in my heart is unexplainable. It is a gift. It is God’s Grace. I believe it is because, through it all, I believe. I believe in the miracle of God himself, and all that implies. I believe in His power in my life.
I do not understand the why of it all. I cannot say that I am grateful for Nathan’s passing. However, I will say I am grateful for the undeniable presence and revelation of God, through Nathan's passing. I have a clarity, a perspective, a self- awareness, that I did not have before. My entire world changed. I changed. My heart changed. My faith changed. A new day had come. Through Nathan’s life, God revealed Himself to me in a way I cannot deny. I believed before, but it was through clouded expectations. So many times my faith was conditional, situational even. I believed, I sincerely confessed Him as LORD. But I did not know Him. Like a distant relative of my salvation.
The past four years I have been undergoing a marvelous transformation. It is producing a peculiar acceptance. Today on Nathan’s Birthday I close my eyes and I know. I know He is safe. I know that the first face He saw was Christ’s. I know that I will be reunited one day. I know, without a doubt that the LORD is forever faithful. He is working in my waiting. I am grateful for Nathan’s life. I am grateful for each breath we took together. I am even grateful for the breaths I take without Him. I am grateful even in the valley. Because you see, although Nathan and I share the earthly tether, and subsequent ache of loss. We also share an anchor. The anchor of Christ cannot be destroyed.
Lord,
I thank you for Nathan’s life. I thank you for knowing Him before time. I thank you for holding Him even beyond time. You are wisdom unimagined. Thank you for transforming me. Thank you for meeting me where I am. Thank you for endless grace. Thank you for your promises. Thank you for a new day.
