Blessings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Mercies in Disguise?

So Christmas has come and gone........

I anticipated the pain this year. It was like the smell of rain in the breeze right before a storm. My family and I planned a quiet Christmas, knowing how difficult this year would be. Everyone in attendance was very encouraging and sensitive to our feelings. There were two little one's in attendance and it was bitter sweet watching them both tear at the wrapping. Sweet because I adore them both and their sweet little faces brought smiles and laughter to the room. Bitter because I couldn't help but whisper to myself "There should have been one more little one, Nathan should be here too." There were moments when it hurt horribly, but then one of them would giggle or smile up at me and somehow that sweetness wrapped around me and made it all O.K.

I expected the pain. Prepared for it the best I could. I guarded against the darkness with prayer, and kind of sat and waited for the grief to knock me over. But a funny thing happened. I felt the grief, I was aware of it, I even shed a few tears, but it did not knock me over.

Grief is such a strange beast. I am not sure what is worse. The moments when missing Nathan hits me suddenly all at once taking my breath away, or how it becomes almost an extension of my consciousness and I carry it. Knowing it is there but somehow being use to it. Sort of like a dull headache that lingers behind your eyes all day, but you still manage.

Which is worse? Not knowing when the pain is coming, or accepting when it lingers. Is accepting it part of moving forward or will that hold me back. Can you live with such a loss and truly live?

Laura Story sings a song called "Blessings" she sings "Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home" This Aching is only temporary. It may never end this side of heaven, but for me it will end someday. Perhaps the pain of missing Nathan is a mercy in disguise? Perhaps it is such a part of something so much bigger? Perhaps this trial is meant to reveal God? God has always been faithful to me, so why do I struggle with Him allowing Nathan's death for His Purpose. Perhaps something glorious?

If I believe Nathan was a gift from god, that even being the literal meaning of his name, then I have to also believe that if He was God's than he was God's to take. That being a hard pill to swallow does not make it untrue. If I am to believe what I believe then I have to believe it all. The Good, the bad, and the tragic. I have to accept it all, and know that it is all temporary. It will not last forever, but Nathan will. In Christ Nathan lives and because I believe so will I. That holds me. That keeps me. That is truth.

Dear God,

Thank you for Truth. It holds it all together. Mainly me.

While I'm waiting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6X71sXagUY

Christmas

Ahhhh Christmas Time. "It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" It should be shouldn't it?

It is the time when we celebrate Jesus's Birth. It is when we celebrate that He came to us. All the while knowing that He would die for us. What a pure love Jesus has for us. To come here, to walk in our proverbial shoes, to feel our humanness, never sinning, but knowing our struggle with sin.

Oh how I miss Nathan. I was so looking forward to His first Christmas. I was so excited to tell Him about Baby Jesus. I wanted to see that twinkle in his eyes.

Nathan,

You are so lucky to get to hang out with The Lord. I wonder everyday what you are doing with Him? I wonder how it feels for you? I wonder what the word is to describe what Jesus's presence is like for You? I wonder if your chubby little fingers fit perfectly in Jesus's hands? Do you know how special you are? You have belonged to God from the very first moment. Maybe that is why you are with Him now. It is hard for Mommy to know that because you were God's to give, you were His to take. When I am sad I am not sad for you. I am only sad because I love you so very much and want to hug you and kiss you again. But I am reminded that you get plenty of hugs and kisses where you are. So today I will try not to be so sad. I will do that for you and one day there will be no more tears for Mommy. Jesus will hug and kiss me too, and I will know the answers to all those questions, and I will get to hold your chubby hands again. They were the most beautiful hands I've ever seen.

Lord,

I am waiting here for you. I know that in the stillness of my grief you are there. Help me to know peace beyond understanding. Thank you for coming to me where I am and not making me search for you. Thank you for your birth and for walking my walk before me. Help me with my steps... actually strike that.... please be my feet instead.

I Believe In Love-----Barlow Girls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syKpkglSsdY

Say what you need to say

It has been 4 months today. That takes a minute to sink in doesn't it? 4 Months already?
4 months, 16 weeks, 121.74 days, 2,921.93 hours. But who's counting right? It really does feel like yesterday sometimes, and other times it does feel a bit further away. It is a awkward balance of time. It is hard not to count each minute of the day. It is a strange way of gauging how far you have made it each day. "Well I made it to noon, let's see if I can make it to 4 o'clock!"

I have read that there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The thing you don't read, is that these stages are not always in that order. Sometimes you can bounce back and forth even in one day. I have found that in moving forward it can not be all about Nathan all the time. This was excruciating to accept but necessary for my mental health. How do I move forward without feeling as if I have left Him behind?
You have to move forward, even though you will never really move on. You have to find ways to accept the person you are becoming now, and not look back to who you were. You have to accept that things are different, but that different doesn't have to be horrible.
You have to carry your loss with you, but not let it smother you, letting your hope endure so to speak. You have to find new joy even if you have to try several times a day.

So how do I find some semblance of normality and not make everything about loosing Nathan?
Well this blog is a good step. This is a place where it can be all about Him for designated times. I can come here and write how I am feeling as much as I want. I don't have to worry if talking about Him will be painful or joyful, or if I will burst into tears, or if my knees will buckle even at the sound of His name. I can take my time, and sit with whatever emotion, even ramble if I want to. Because that is what this grief is like. But when I am done, I can make peace with it, and walk away from the computer having purged my emotion, and not letting it build into a grief monster.

At the end of the day, this was God's Will. I have accepted that fact even though I don't understand it. I have accepted that there will never be an answer to Why? I will live my whole life and never know why God took Nathan. This side of Heaven there will not be answers, but one day I will be reunited, and when I finally get to hold Nathan again, this pain will no longer matter. Because we will both be in Glory together.
I did not have a say in this. I am a work in progress, but above all I have peace with you God. I do not understand You, but I trust You. Thank you for accepting me unconditionally, even though I have to accept daily what you are doing in my life. I am sorry for yelling at you the other day...Thank you for not yelling back :)

Quotes

“Where there is love there is life.”
Mahatma Gandhi
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.”
Robert Frost
“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.”
Soren Kierkegaard

A New Day

A New Day Has Come
By: Celine Dion
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
Hush, Now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
Hush, Now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come