It has been 4 months today. That takes a minute to sink in doesn't it? 4 Months already?
4 months, 16 weeks, 121.74 days, 2,921.93 hours. But who's counting right? It really does feel like yesterday sometimes, and other times it does feel a bit further away. It is a awkward balance of time. It is hard not to count each minute of the day. It is a strange way of gauging how far you have made it each day. "Well I made it to noon, let's see if I can make it to 4 o'clock!"
I have read that there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The thing you don't read, is that these stages are not always in that order. Sometimes you can bounce back and forth even in one day. I have found that in moving forward it can not be all about Nathan all the time. This was excruciating to accept but necessary for my mental health. How do I move forward without feeling as if I have left Him behind?
You have to move forward, even though you will never really move on. You have to find ways to accept the person you are becoming now, and not look back to who you were. You have to accept that things are different, but that different doesn't have to be horrible.
You have to carry your loss with you, but not let it smother you, letting your hope endure so to speak. You have to find new joy even if you have to try several times a day.
So how do I find some semblance of normality and not make everything about loosing Nathan?
Well this blog is a good step. This is a place where it can be all about Him for designated times. I can come here and write how I am feeling as much as I want. I don't have to worry if talking about Him will be painful or joyful, or if I will burst into tears, or if my knees will buckle even at the sound of His name. I can take my time, and sit with whatever emotion, even ramble if I want to. Because that is what this grief is like. But when I am done, I can make peace with it, and walk away from the computer having purged my emotion, and not letting it build into a grief monster.
At the end of the day, this was God's Will. I have accepted that fact even though I don't understand it. I have accepted that there will never be an answer to Why? I will live my whole life and never know why God took Nathan. This side of Heaven there will not be answers, but one day I will be reunited, and when I finally get to hold Nathan again, this pain will no longer matter. Because we will both be in Glory together.
I did not have a say in this. I am a work in progress, but above all I have peace with you God. I do not understand You, but I trust You. Thank you for accepting me unconditionally, even though I have to accept daily what you are doing in my life. I am sorry for yelling at you the other day...Thank you for not yelling back :)
4 months, 16 weeks, 121.74 days, 2,921.93 hours. But who's counting right? It really does feel like yesterday sometimes, and other times it does feel a bit further away. It is a awkward balance of time. It is hard not to count each minute of the day. It is a strange way of gauging how far you have made it each day. "Well I made it to noon, let's see if I can make it to 4 o'clock!"
I have read that there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The thing you don't read, is that these stages are not always in that order. Sometimes you can bounce back and forth even in one day. I have found that in moving forward it can not be all about Nathan all the time. This was excruciating to accept but necessary for my mental health. How do I move forward without feeling as if I have left Him behind?
You have to move forward, even though you will never really move on. You have to find ways to accept the person you are becoming now, and not look back to who you were. You have to accept that things are different, but that different doesn't have to be horrible.
You have to carry your loss with you, but not let it smother you, letting your hope endure so to speak. You have to find new joy even if you have to try several times a day.
So how do I find some semblance of normality and not make everything about loosing Nathan?
Well this blog is a good step. This is a place where it can be all about Him for designated times. I can come here and write how I am feeling as much as I want. I don't have to worry if talking about Him will be painful or joyful, or if I will burst into tears, or if my knees will buckle even at the sound of His name. I can take my time, and sit with whatever emotion, even ramble if I want to. Because that is what this grief is like. But when I am done, I can make peace with it, and walk away from the computer having purged my emotion, and not letting it build into a grief monster.
At the end of the day, this was God's Will. I have accepted that fact even though I don't understand it. I have accepted that there will never be an answer to Why? I will live my whole life and never know why God took Nathan. This side of Heaven there will not be answers, but one day I will be reunited, and when I finally get to hold Nathan again, this pain will no longer matter. Because we will both be in Glory together.
I did not have a say in this. I am a work in progress, but above all I have peace with you God. I do not understand You, but I trust You. Thank you for accepting me unconditionally, even though I have to accept daily what you are doing in my life. I am sorry for yelling at you the other day...Thank you for not yelling back :)
Loved reading this. :)
ReplyDeleteYour post is so encouraging, Sam. Everything that you have said is proof that God is not only continuing to comfort and sustain you, but that He is answering OUR prayers as well. We all love you and James so very much and continue to pray for you without ceasing. I continue to pray that the Lord has His arms around you and reminds you that not only does He love you unconditionally, but that we all love you as well.
ReplyDeleteGod always brings us insights, reminders when we need them. I needed encouragement this morning and God brought me these verses. I hope they bring some encouragement to you as well.
2 Peter 3:8, 9
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. THE LORD IS NOT SLOW IN KEEPING HIS PROMISE, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you.
Psalm 142:3
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path.
Love you!
I am excited to see Gods hand at work in you and continually pray for His peace in your heart.
ReplyDelete