What they don't tell you

During pregnancy we all gain a little weight. I did not gain an excessive amount of weight. The problem is that I was big before I got pregnant. So I just got rounder and rounder. But I was super cute at the time. In most cases after you bring baby home I imagine you tend to overlook it for a while. Because you are so filled with joy to care how big your butt got for one . And I am sure the sleepless nights keep you too busy to look at the scale.

But what no one tells those of us who don’t get to bring baby home, is that our bodies know we had a baby. We have the same post baby body. The same hormonal changes occurred and it takes some time to get back into shape. For a while….unless you are a superstar with unlimited income for personal trainers and someone to slap the carbs away….. you may still look a little pregnant. The problem is that grieving mother’s are too focused on getting out of bed to even worry about their physical appearance. It has been almost 9 months now, and I still look a little pregnant. And since I was big before Nathan my belly just seems to stay frozen at about 5 months Prego.

This is not really a problem in the grand scheme of things but I mention it because I was confronted by a kid in the store, and I cried about it for hours. I know I cannot be alone in this.

I was looking at some life vests for my nephew and this kid, probably about 8 years old, starts up a conversation. Asking me “if I am going to the beach“, and starts chatting me up about how much “he likes to swim“. So far so good right?
Then he asks if I have any “little kids” I tell Him “No” He asks why I "am looking at little kid stuff then ?“ I want to tell him that is none of his beeswax and shue him away, but instead I tell Him that “I am looking at them for my nephew.” He says “Oh that’s nice” walks up towards his grandma, gives it a few seconds, comes back, points at my stomach, and says “are you sure you don’t have any little kids?” I smile say “no I am sure“, and he gets bored enough to walk away.

Now I know this is just a kid. But I wish I could say this type of thing has only happened once in the past 8 months. It has happened several different ways actually. It has really taught me never to ask a woman “When she is due?” because you just never know the situation. I have been confronted several times with “If I have children?“ It always stings. I of course always tell them about my much older daughter Arlene, and smile. But it still stings because I should have two children. I should have a boy and a girl. The American dream right?

This random kid is not to blame for how I feel. All He did was bring to the surface something I am already struggling with. It is so hard to deal with a post baby body and not get to enjoy the baby. It is hard to deal with physical changes on top of emotional roller-coasters. It is hard to have the motivation to get physically healthy again when I should be toning up chasing a busy baby boy right now.

I just have to continually remind myself that I live in a fallen world. A world flawed to its core. But the good news is that this pain is only temporary. And the pain reminds me that this is not my home. For some reason Nathan’s time with us was limited. And for some reason we are left with a big question mark, and I am left with this flawed body. It simply is what it is. The only thing I can do is hang on and keep standing up. …..And I guess get on the dreaded treadmill…Lord Help me!

The Hurt and The Healer

Sunday Nathan would have been 8 Months old. It was a very difficult day. But today, the next day, marked the anniversary of the first time I felt Nathan move. So today I choose to replace the sadness with the happiness I felt with every little thump.

Today I was in the car and had to pull over when I heard this amazing song written and performed by Mercy Me (The Hurt and The Healer).
It speaks words that are in my heart. It speaks them louder than I can. Sometimes the power of a song is so great it leaves me speechless. This song did that for me today. All I could do was clutch my chest and cry healing tears. I am not alone.

It speaks of when "Glory meets our suffering". When "The Hurt and Healer collide". How powerful this is. That the Creator of it all, meets me in my pain. He meets me in my mess and does not scold me for my weakness. He collides with the ugliness and pain of this world and molds it into something worthy of praise.


Lord,
You are my healer. Thank you for your life, and for breathing life back into me today. You never forget me. You knew I needed you before I did. I am humbled by your love. "Deuces God, Deuces"