Words I cannot speak

Here lately I have found that music is speaking the words I cannot seam to utter. Nathan's 1 year Birthday is a few weeks away and I have to admit that it is an ache in the pit of my stomach. It is a looming cloud of bitter sweet. I thank God for the miracle that Nathan remains, but it is difficult to accept his absence.

So in this space of waiting and pain I am finding music to speak louder than ever before. Through music I am able to praise God when I myself cannot utter the words on my heart.I will continue to praise God. I will praise because he is worthy, and also because through praise He defeats the enemy. Praising God will not bring Nathan back, but it does allow me to appreciate where he is. Praise brings me closer to Glory, and that is where my Son is. I want to be as close to Nathan as I can, and through God I can do that.

People comment that I am so strong. Actually I am not. I am very weak. I am heartbroken. I struggle every moment of the day. Sometimes breathing is so difficult I just want to crumble. But I am O.K. with being weak. Through my weakness and shaken faith God is mighty and strong. When you have nothing left, and everything you have ever dreamed is lost to you , you find yourself at the end of who you are. You find yourself at the end of all your expectations and plans. This can be a beautiful thing though. Because at the end of who you are is where God meets you. He meets you in the broken places when all seems lost, He meets you when you have no direction, and every step is shaky. In this place He gives you unimaginable peace. A peace that goes beyond words. In the crying out, and in the times of shouting “Why God? Why?” , and the times when my heart screams in agony, there is still peace. I find God in this place of brokenness.

Thank You God for music. Just when I need to release my emotion, I will hear a song that says what needs saying. Thank you to my sweet sister for sharing this song with me.

Won't Back Down

"Won't Back Down"


You woke the morning up
Running off my darkest night
The longest fight I've seen

And here goes a chance I know
Cashing in on all my chips
Let all my ships come fly

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of these ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Gave me second life, you kept me in this fight

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

And you found me once and for all
I laid it down in the sinking ground
The hopeless undertow

Singing out the gentle sound
Rattling through my smoking screens
My broken dreams last night

And these days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of these ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And all of your light, found my bottle in the night
You kept in this fight, you gave me second life

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

And I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain
Sing hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost, all is left to gain

I won't back down
And I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid

And I won't back down
And I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Sing Hallelujah...
Sing Hallelujah...

11 Months

Today Nathan, you would be 11 months old. We wonder how chubby you would be? We imagine you would be into everything, and keeping us very much on our toes.
Oh how we miss you sweet boy. We can rest assure just knowing that you are safe and sound with the LORD. We are blessed to know that one day we will be reunited. What sweet grace this is, that in our sadness we can still have hope and peace. So today we will not be sad but remember your chubby cheeks and blow you kisses.

What a Strange Place

I am in this place. An uncertain place. A place of waiting. A place that is very unfamiliar to me. I don't recognize the scenery. So I am just here in this place. I am waiting and praising all the while anticipating that Hope will reveal itself very soon.
I know something is just around the corner. I am struggling with what that might be.I am struggling with waiting for it to come to me, and for me not to chase it. To chase it, or see it before it's time is not "walking by faith"

I am struggling with my jelousy of close friends with new little ones. I struggle with every pregnant woman or baby I encounter. I am struggling with the ugliness and sadness that this envy brings.

I am simply in this place of struggle. I am struggling with my humanness. I am struggling with my sin nature.

But I do not doubt God is here. I do not doubt He has a plan in all of this. Believing in God is the one thing I seem to not be struggling with. So I tell myself let's start there and begin to trust a God in whom I can.







This One Place
By: Sara Groves

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else