I truly try to always seek wise counsel before making decisions.
Proverbs 24:14 says "Know that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is hope for you."
I find this to be more and more true everyday. Recently I was advised to let go of some anger in my heart, as it crushes your spirit, I believe this to be one of life's great lessons. Only through Christ can we truly rid our hearts of the ugliness of our humaness. Past mistakes and pain cloud our spirit.
It is true that you only live once, here on earth that is. It seems silly to even say. Duh of course right? But sometimes you need a reminder. Sometimes you forget to live at peace with others. Only then can you trust your gut, follow your heart so to speak, in your daily decisions.
It is your life after all. You don't always get what you give, sometimes you get a poo sandwich no matter how Godly you try to live. At the end of the day you just have to listen to the spirit, and trust that you can live abundantly while you're alive. Live life your way, but always strive to be at peace with others. I believe this is the key to the secret door.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Family of Two
James and I decided that each year we will go on vacation to celebrate Nathan's Birthday. I highly recommend doing this.
We prefer to be by the water during our celebration. We tried it the first birthday and it was so relaxing that we choose it again this year. Water is so therapeutic. There is just something healing about the flow and sound of water. There seems to be a sense of timelessness, and the freedom of mind not to worry.
We had such a wonderful time both years and I find it heals me to be far from his grave on his birthday. I don't want to mourn over where his body resides, but rather praise where his spirit is. I want to celebrate his Life and not focus on his death. The darkness is just too overwhelming, and I refuse to let it overtake me. I want to focus on the joy Nathan still brings us. I want to spend quality time with my sweet James, and be thankful for the precious life we created,
When I was pregnant with Nathan I remember thinking how blessed I was. I remember thinking it was such a gift that I was going to be permitted to impact this little Life. It is only now that I see the roles are reversed and that Nathan is actually the one impacting my life. I thought I would teach Nathan how to change His little piece of the world, but it was Nathan who taught me how to change my world. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what great things he would have done? I wonder a lot about what he would be when he grew up? Would he have lived a life dedicated to his Faith? Would he love The LORD like I do? Or better yet love The LORD even more.
2 years have passed and as I sat on the beach a few weeks ago, I watched the sunset with James. I felt a huge wave of peace and realization. It suddenly became very clear the dreams of my pregnancy, the hoping of pending impact, the acknowledgement of such a gift, still impact my soul to this day. There are little pieces of Nathan all around us. Nathan is physical gone, but he remains proof of life and miracles. He remains proof of healing. and of peace.
Our most recent trip to the beach was awesome. Our favorite part was evening time. When the sun set we would start to see the bobbing of flashlights on the beach. Families were searching for nighttime treasures and baby sand crabs. The sound of giggles and flashlights bobbing was something we looked forward to each night. Dad's would catch their sand crab and the kids would cheer, that is until Daddy put it on one of their shoulders, and they would squeal and run away, Laughing the whole time. It was something we looked forward to each night. We enjoyed watching the families having fun and spending time all together.
At one point James asked me if "I thought we would have had fun like that with Nathan?"
After a long pause I said "Sometimes I imagine we are a family like they are, and we do fun things together like that" After an even longer pause, and the feel of the incoming tide on our toes, James Sweetly responded. "We are a family Baby".
It reminded me to be grateful. Sometimes there are families of two souls. Nevertheless , they are still as much a family as a family of more. Sometimes, most times actually, God's plan for our lives is unclear. But there can be moments similar to ours that night, when you know you feel complete, even if only for a moment. In that moment it is just the two of you, side by side is a beautiful way to soar. These moments I cherish. The moments when in confusion I can look to my Love and know we are meant to fly together.
"Yet those who wait (hope) for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary". Isaiah 40:31
We prefer to be by the water during our celebration. We tried it the first birthday and it was so relaxing that we choose it again this year. Water is so therapeutic. There is just something healing about the flow and sound of water. There seems to be a sense of timelessness, and the freedom of mind not to worry.
We had such a wonderful time both years and I find it heals me to be far from his grave on his birthday. I don't want to mourn over where his body resides, but rather praise where his spirit is. I want to celebrate his Life and not focus on his death. The darkness is just too overwhelming, and I refuse to let it overtake me. I want to focus on the joy Nathan still brings us. I want to spend quality time with my sweet James, and be thankful for the precious life we created,
When I was pregnant with Nathan I remember thinking how blessed I was. I remember thinking it was such a gift that I was going to be permitted to impact this little Life. It is only now that I see the roles are reversed and that Nathan is actually the one impacting my life. I thought I would teach Nathan how to change His little piece of the world, but it was Nathan who taught me how to change my world. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what great things he would have done? I wonder a lot about what he would be when he grew up? Would he have lived a life dedicated to his Faith? Would he love The LORD like I do? Or better yet love The LORD even more.
2 years have passed and as I sat on the beach a few weeks ago, I watched the sunset with James. I felt a huge wave of peace and realization. It suddenly became very clear the dreams of my pregnancy, the hoping of pending impact, the acknowledgement of such a gift, still impact my soul to this day. There are little pieces of Nathan all around us. Nathan is physical gone, but he remains proof of life and miracles. He remains proof of healing. and of peace.
Our most recent trip to the beach was awesome. Our favorite part was evening time. When the sun set we would start to see the bobbing of flashlights on the beach. Families were searching for nighttime treasures and baby sand crabs. The sound of giggles and flashlights bobbing was something we looked forward to each night. Dad's would catch their sand crab and the kids would cheer, that is until Daddy put it on one of their shoulders, and they would squeal and run away, Laughing the whole time. It was something we looked forward to each night. We enjoyed watching the families having fun and spending time all together.
At one point James asked me if "I thought we would have had fun like that with Nathan?"
After a long pause I said "Sometimes I imagine we are a family like they are, and we do fun things together like that" After an even longer pause, and the feel of the incoming tide on our toes, James Sweetly responded. "We are a family Baby".
It reminded me to be grateful. Sometimes there are families of two souls. Nevertheless , they are still as much a family as a family of more. Sometimes, most times actually, God's plan for our lives is unclear. But there can be moments similar to ours that night, when you know you feel complete, even if only for a moment. In that moment it is just the two of you, side by side is a beautiful way to soar. These moments I cherish. The moments when in confusion I can look to my Love and know we are meant to fly together.
"Yet those who wait (hope) for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary". Isaiah 40:31
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Two Years Later
Tomorrow will Be August 8th. It will be Nathan's second birthday. As I write this there is an ache in my chest, but also a smile in my heart. There has been so much growth on this journey. Sometimes the loss seems very far behind me, and other days it is so close I can barely breathe. I recently published my story, and it has been such an honor to share Nathan with this big world. It really has been amazing grace the past two years. I have been awakened to my purpose. My purpose is to serve others, and point them to the LORD.
Since Nathan passed I have felt this power inside me. A power to impact lives with this tragedy. A power from God that is so real I have to act, it simply pours out of me now. Two years later I believe now more than ever that Nathan’s purpose is so much bigger than I can ever imagine. Although his earthly time was short, he lives. He lives is the work God is doing. He lives in the hearts that are experiencing God for the first time. He lives everytime I laugh. He lives in each act of kindness. He lives in every moment of my day, and this is only possible through Christ.
Dear one do you know how precious it is to know without any doubt that the creator of it all holds you in his hands? To know that you are valued more than you could ever imagine? Two years later I know this. I know that I was created for this very moment. I was created to be Nathan’s mother. I was created to be the mother of a miracle that will never end. I was created to bless others who are hurting. My purpose is clear to me now, and I am humbled. I am humbled that in my mess, God still choose me to make a difference. As imperfect as I am God works through me in a way only He can. God took Nathan from this earth this is true. However, he took him HOME. He took Him to a glory beyond words. Can you imagine how amazing it was for Nathan to be safe and sound within me, and then to be born in Glory. The first face He ever saw was the LORD. It brings me to tears that Nathan is in the presence of my savior, and he has never experienced anything but the goodness of God. He has never, nor will he ever feel pain. He will never be sad, not ever. As a parent this is music to my heart. Nathan was created, born, but never really died.
God is real to me now more than ever. He revealed himself to me in a darkness I couldn’t not imagine. He continues to heal my heart, and breathe new life into me. I have to admit that even with this assurance and peace; I still have moments of restlessness. I don’t know what to do with the ache some days. This morning I had that weak at the knees moment. I had to sit on my bed and spend quite a while with the LORD. I sobbed and lifted my hands to God in anguish. I could not utter one word; all I could do was feel it. But I was not alone. God‘s presence filled the room and I felt peace wash over me. That same peace blanket that covered me two years ago covered me again. God has given me something real. He has revealed a part of Him I never knew before. He has awakened my heart with true, undeniable peace. I have peace in my anguish, and as contradictory as it sounds it is real. I can be in the middle of the storm, and close my eyes, and be at peace. I can lay and stare up at the clouds for hours. I can appreciate the breeze, the sunset, the sunrise. I can appreciate so much more now than I ever could before. I cannot change what happened. I cannot bring Nathan back. However I can trade my misery for ministry.
I can live each moment with a certantity so far beyond my understanding that I can only be at peace. There are moments of pain, but never uncertantity. I am certain there is a loving God. I am certain that I was made for such a time as this. All of the pain in the past two years does not overshadow that this life I now live is no accident. No matter what roads I have traveled, led me here. I feel as if I have lived a lifetime in the past two years. But this is something I am grateful for. In my humanness I cannot utter the words that I am grateful for Nathan’s passing, but I am grateful for the experience of it. I have traveled this road of uncertainty, and I cannot remember that I ever cursed God. I questioned him of course, but always believing. I am pressing on day by day. Some days are leaps, and others are shuffles, but I am moving. I am moving forward, not moving on. I cannot ever put this behind me. But I can carry it with me as a blessing, and remember that Nathan is still a miracle. For some reason this life was made for me. For some reason I am where I am. But the reason does not matter to me as much today. What matters to me is the journey, and the lives I impact on the road. What matters are my relationships. What matters is that I reflect Christ enough to help others.
Two years later what matters to me has shifted. I care about many things, but there are two things more precious to me than anything. First is that I serve others so that when I meet my savior I will hear “Well done”. Secondly is my promised reunion with Nathan. These two things are what keep me going. When I bless others I heal, and they see the LORD, and when I see the LORD, I see will see Nathan too.
For Me there is no question that there is a loving God, but perhaps someone reading this wonders "With all this pain in life, Is there a loving God?, Maybe?" Sometimes we are meant for things that only God can see. There is a loving God that loves you, and has plans for you....even in your doubt.
Since Nathan passed I have felt this power inside me. A power to impact lives with this tragedy. A power from God that is so real I have to act, it simply pours out of me now. Two years later I believe now more than ever that Nathan’s purpose is so much bigger than I can ever imagine. Although his earthly time was short, he lives. He lives is the work God is doing. He lives in the hearts that are experiencing God for the first time. He lives everytime I laugh. He lives in each act of kindness. He lives in every moment of my day, and this is only possible through Christ.
Dear one do you know how precious it is to know without any doubt that the creator of it all holds you in his hands? To know that you are valued more than you could ever imagine? Two years later I know this. I know that I was created for this very moment. I was created to be Nathan’s mother. I was created to be the mother of a miracle that will never end. I was created to bless others who are hurting. My purpose is clear to me now, and I am humbled. I am humbled that in my mess, God still choose me to make a difference. As imperfect as I am God works through me in a way only He can. God took Nathan from this earth this is true. However, he took him HOME. He took Him to a glory beyond words. Can you imagine how amazing it was for Nathan to be safe and sound within me, and then to be born in Glory. The first face He ever saw was the LORD. It brings me to tears that Nathan is in the presence of my savior, and he has never experienced anything but the goodness of God. He has never, nor will he ever feel pain. He will never be sad, not ever. As a parent this is music to my heart. Nathan was created, born, but never really died.
God is real to me now more than ever. He revealed himself to me in a darkness I couldn’t not imagine. He continues to heal my heart, and breathe new life into me. I have to admit that even with this assurance and peace; I still have moments of restlessness. I don’t know what to do with the ache some days. This morning I had that weak at the knees moment. I had to sit on my bed and spend quite a while with the LORD. I sobbed and lifted my hands to God in anguish. I could not utter one word; all I could do was feel it. But I was not alone. God‘s presence filled the room and I felt peace wash over me. That same peace blanket that covered me two years ago covered me again. God has given me something real. He has revealed a part of Him I never knew before. He has awakened my heart with true, undeniable peace. I have peace in my anguish, and as contradictory as it sounds it is real. I can be in the middle of the storm, and close my eyes, and be at peace. I can lay and stare up at the clouds for hours. I can appreciate the breeze, the sunset, the sunrise. I can appreciate so much more now than I ever could before. I cannot change what happened. I cannot bring Nathan back. However I can trade my misery for ministry.
I can live each moment with a certantity so far beyond my understanding that I can only be at peace. There are moments of pain, but never uncertantity. I am certain there is a loving God. I am certain that I was made for such a time as this. All of the pain in the past two years does not overshadow that this life I now live is no accident. No matter what roads I have traveled, led me here. I feel as if I have lived a lifetime in the past two years. But this is something I am grateful for. In my humanness I cannot utter the words that I am grateful for Nathan’s passing, but I am grateful for the experience of it. I have traveled this road of uncertainty, and I cannot remember that I ever cursed God. I questioned him of course, but always believing. I am pressing on day by day. Some days are leaps, and others are shuffles, but I am moving. I am moving forward, not moving on. I cannot ever put this behind me. But I can carry it with me as a blessing, and remember that Nathan is still a miracle. For some reason this life was made for me. For some reason I am where I am. But the reason does not matter to me as much today. What matters to me is the journey, and the lives I impact on the road. What matters are my relationships. What matters is that I reflect Christ enough to help others.
Two years later what matters to me has shifted. I care about many things, but there are two things more precious to me than anything. First is that I serve others so that when I meet my savior I will hear “Well done”. Secondly is my promised reunion with Nathan. These two things are what keep me going. When I bless others I heal, and they see the LORD, and when I see the LORD, I see will see Nathan too.
For Me there is no question that there is a loving God, but perhaps someone reading this wonders "With all this pain in life, Is there a loving God?, Maybe?" Sometimes we are meant for things that only God can see. There is a loving God that loves you, and has plans for you....even in your doubt.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Every Little Thing
Today I was reminded that nothing we do in Gods Name, with a pure heart, ever comes back void. I really believe that one day I will hear two sweet words from The LORD "Well Done" It is all I ever need to hear. It is the most important thing I long to hear.
I have been horribly missing Nathan this week, and questioning if I am blessing others enough to help ease their hurt too. Because you see true blessing are when we bless others, and it brings about a peace in me, and makes me feel closer to Nathan than ever. Long story short I quietly blessed someone, and they returned the blessing to someone else that was strugglng. It reminded me that no gestures of kindness is too small for God. It reminded me that pain is only temporary, and when we help others in pain, it shows them who God really is. There will come a day when I will meet my savior face to face, and hold nathan again, The two things I long for the most. But until then I am going to show others that God is real. Not by huge billboards, and flashy Christianity, but just by being a servent. Just by doing the little things God asks me to do. I am finding that the more little things I can do to ease another persons heartache, heals me too, and brings me closer to God, and Nathan by proxy. And really that isn't so little at all. God knows my heart, and for the first time I can remember I am sad, but I am at peace. I have joy even with tears. I am starting to learn that God is in every little thing, becasue nothing is little to Him. He is in every Little Thing.
I have been horribly missing Nathan this week, and questioning if I am blessing others enough to help ease their hurt too. Because you see true blessing are when we bless others, and it brings about a peace in me, and makes me feel closer to Nathan than ever. Long story short I quietly blessed someone, and they returned the blessing to someone else that was strugglng. It reminded me that no gestures of kindness is too small for God. It reminded me that pain is only temporary, and when we help others in pain, it shows them who God really is. There will come a day when I will meet my savior face to face, and hold nathan again, The two things I long for the most. But until then I am going to show others that God is real. Not by huge billboards, and flashy Christianity, but just by being a servent. Just by doing the little things God asks me to do. I am finding that the more little things I can do to ease another persons heartache, heals me too, and brings me closer to God, and Nathan by proxy. And really that isn't so little at all. God knows my heart, and for the first time I can remember I am sad, but I am at peace. I have joy even with tears. I am starting to learn that God is in every little thing, becasue nothing is little to Him. He is in every Little Thing.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sweet Sweet Peace
In Sunday's sermon it was said.." There is a big difference between something being hard to understand, and something being hidden from you"
This spoke loudly to me, and I immediately thought about Nathan. It may be hard to understand, but God's peace and grace and love, have not been hidden from me.
Yesterday Nathan would have been 18 months old, and I thought about those words and for the first time a weight was lifted and I was not sad. In fact I was not sad all day long. I thought about Nathan all day of course, but it was peaceful, and I had a grateful heart. Thank you Holy Spirit. Even though I don't understand..God never hides his blessings from me.
His blessings are not always what i anticipate. His blessings are often what I need instead. A grateful heart. A life of contentment. Peace beyond understanding. These things hold the most value to me. And while I miss my boy, the ache was filled with peace. Sweet sweet peace.
This spoke loudly to me, and I immediately thought about Nathan. It may be hard to understand, but God's peace and grace and love, have not been hidden from me.
Yesterday Nathan would have been 18 months old, and I thought about those words and for the first time a weight was lifted and I was not sad. In fact I was not sad all day long. I thought about Nathan all day of course, but it was peaceful, and I had a grateful heart. Thank you Holy Spirit. Even though I don't understand..God never hides his blessings from me.
His blessings are not always what i anticipate. His blessings are often what I need instead. A grateful heart. A life of contentment. Peace beyond understanding. These things hold the most value to me. And while I miss my boy, the ache was filled with peace. Sweet sweet peace.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Peace on the Breeze
Have you ever wondered why those of us that love the LORD endure so much tragedy and suffering? I wonder about it all the time. I am sure there is a philosophical answer. I am sure it can be backed up with scripture. But honestly, in my simple mind, I believe it is really all about God. Because, in our weakness God reveals Himself.
When I am at the end of my plans, and at the end of what I think is best, God reveals what are His plans and what is really best. What the enemy means for evil, God turns into amazing.
I tell myself the above each and every morning. It has been 16 -months now…. and each morning I have to remind myself of the above. Each morning I struggle with the guilt of moving forward. Knowing all the while that this is what God wants for me. It doesn’t bother Nathan that I laugh and experience life. It doesn’t bother Him at all that I carry him with me but not so close all the time. Some days I have to carry him a bit further away so that I can function.
It’s kind of like holding a balloon on a string. Sometimes the balloon is right at my shoulders and other times it is floating above me. Sometimes the balloon is far above my head. Other days it is in my arms. But the balloon is never out of my thoughts. I am aware of its presence and I value it. But if I hold it to tight it may burst. It may burst into the grief monster, and pull me down into darkness and sadness. I would rather watch it float in the breeze, knowing God is on the breeze, and my balloon is safe and sound.
Peace is a tremendous gift, even when we don’t understand. Have you ever seen the end of the movie Forrest Gump? The part when he sits on the stump, and the feather floats up and up and up. It’s cinematically breathtaking.
Peace is a lot like that. It just floats up and up and up, and it is an awesome display to just sit and experience it.
When I am at the end of my plans, and at the end of what I think is best, God reveals what are His plans and what is really best. What the enemy means for evil, God turns into amazing.
I tell myself the above each and every morning. It has been 16 -months now…. and each morning I have to remind myself of the above. Each morning I struggle with the guilt of moving forward. Knowing all the while that this is what God wants for me. It doesn’t bother Nathan that I laugh and experience life. It doesn’t bother Him at all that I carry him with me but not so close all the time. Some days I have to carry him a bit further away so that I can function.
It’s kind of like holding a balloon on a string. Sometimes the balloon is right at my shoulders and other times it is floating above me. Sometimes the balloon is far above my head. Other days it is in my arms. But the balloon is never out of my thoughts. I am aware of its presence and I value it. But if I hold it to tight it may burst. It may burst into the grief monster, and pull me down into darkness and sadness. I would rather watch it float in the breeze, knowing God is on the breeze, and my balloon is safe and sound.
Peace is a tremendous gift, even when we don’t understand. Have you ever seen the end of the movie Forrest Gump? The part when he sits on the stump, and the feather floats up and up and up. It’s cinematically breathtaking.
Peace is a lot like that. It just floats up and up and up, and it is an awesome display to just sit and experience it.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Proof Of Life
A new year has begun. When I think back on my life, I imagine that the little girl I once was could never have imagined where I am now. Little me could not have imagined climbing such huge mountains. But climb I did, and not alone I might add.
The past few weeks have been building behind my eyes. It was a strange pressure that all at once was there and then was gone. It was like a gust of wind that comes and refreshes the landscape. I didn’t realize the pressure had passed until I was on the way to North Carolina to visit my folks. We were in the car and I was talking about the memory box I have containing Nathan’s things. In it is the blanket, hat, and gloves he wore, and they are beyond precious to me. I never travel without them. Even if just for a night, I carry at least one of these items. It has always made me feel closer to him.
So I am in the car talking about the box, and it hits me that I have forgotten them. I am three hours into the trip, we can’t turn back, I don’t have his blanket. I don’t have anything of his at all. My heart sinks and I tell James what I have done. He asks me how I feel about it. I take a deep breath and say “Well I am not sure. I guess it wasn’t an accident I forgot.” I am quiet for a few minutes and James holds my hand. We are both expecting me to cry and need to turn around to get it. But a strange thing happened.
I didn’t cry and I never asked that we turn around. I took deep breaths. I sat with a bit of pain, and thought. I thought that maybe our minds and our hearts misfire exactly when they are suppose to. Maybe this was my minds way of making me takes steps my heart wasn’t ready to take. Maybe this was just life’s natural progression.
It is natural to hold on to things most precious to us. It is natural to not like change at some capacity. I think the problem is when it turns into fear. Fear holds us back from what God has for us. What was I so afraid of? Did I think that if I didn’t take a physical part of Nathan, that he would be left behind? Did I think He would be forgotten? I thought about these two questions the rest of our car ride, and it is only a few weeks later that I have the answer.
It was not that I thought He would be left behind. It was not that I thought He would be forgotten. It was because I needed something tangible to prove Nathan was here. The closer I held his “things” the more it felt like I was holding Him. My memories of Him come in flashes. His blankets and pictures and such, are my proof that He was here. They prove that this was all real. I did have a baby. I did have a son. He was here and he was beautiful. I know these things in my heart of course. But often my mind flip flops in trying to make sense of it. It wasn’t until our car ride that I was forced to accept that I do not have to have anything of Nathans to be his mother. His blankets are not what binds us together. I felt that if I let go of his things I was letting go of Nathan too.
In the weeks since, I have noticed a shift in my spirit. Being Nathan’s mother is very important. But it is not all that is important. I am a Mother, but I am also a child of God. Meaning I have a journey to fulfill. A journey designed for me. Nathan and even the absence of Him is part of this journey. He is a miracle I can carry with me if I can stop over thinking everything about Him. If I let go of his blanket I am not letting go of Him. I am simply putting down things I cannot carry all the time. It is ok to look around a bit and change the scenery. Nathan will be right there with me even without the physical proof.
Stories are not told by the final chapter alone. Stories are a continuation of thoughts
One line at a time.
One step at a time.
One lesson at a time.
One breath at a time.
Nathan is never without my love. He is proof of love, no matter where he is. Nothing I will ever do will change His purpose. I don’t need to do things to prove He was here.
God breathed life into Nathan, and he continues to breathe life into Me, Nathan’s Momma. That is really all the proof I need.
The past few weeks have been building behind my eyes. It was a strange pressure that all at once was there and then was gone. It was like a gust of wind that comes and refreshes the landscape. I didn’t realize the pressure had passed until I was on the way to North Carolina to visit my folks. We were in the car and I was talking about the memory box I have containing Nathan’s things. In it is the blanket, hat, and gloves he wore, and they are beyond precious to me. I never travel without them. Even if just for a night, I carry at least one of these items. It has always made me feel closer to him.
So I am in the car talking about the box, and it hits me that I have forgotten them. I am three hours into the trip, we can’t turn back, I don’t have his blanket. I don’t have anything of his at all. My heart sinks and I tell James what I have done. He asks me how I feel about it. I take a deep breath and say “Well I am not sure. I guess it wasn’t an accident I forgot.” I am quiet for a few minutes and James holds my hand. We are both expecting me to cry and need to turn around to get it. But a strange thing happened.
I didn’t cry and I never asked that we turn around. I took deep breaths. I sat with a bit of pain, and thought. I thought that maybe our minds and our hearts misfire exactly when they are suppose to. Maybe this was my minds way of making me takes steps my heart wasn’t ready to take. Maybe this was just life’s natural progression.
It is natural to hold on to things most precious to us. It is natural to not like change at some capacity. I think the problem is when it turns into fear. Fear holds us back from what God has for us. What was I so afraid of? Did I think that if I didn’t take a physical part of Nathan, that he would be left behind? Did I think He would be forgotten? I thought about these two questions the rest of our car ride, and it is only a few weeks later that I have the answer.
It was not that I thought He would be left behind. It was not that I thought He would be forgotten. It was because I needed something tangible to prove Nathan was here. The closer I held his “things” the more it felt like I was holding Him. My memories of Him come in flashes. His blankets and pictures and such, are my proof that He was here. They prove that this was all real. I did have a baby. I did have a son. He was here and he was beautiful. I know these things in my heart of course. But often my mind flip flops in trying to make sense of it. It wasn’t until our car ride that I was forced to accept that I do not have to have anything of Nathans to be his mother. His blankets are not what binds us together. I felt that if I let go of his things I was letting go of Nathan too.
In the weeks since, I have noticed a shift in my spirit. Being Nathan’s mother is very important. But it is not all that is important. I am a Mother, but I am also a child of God. Meaning I have a journey to fulfill. A journey designed for me. Nathan and even the absence of Him is part of this journey. He is a miracle I can carry with me if I can stop over thinking everything about Him. If I let go of his blanket I am not letting go of Him. I am simply putting down things I cannot carry all the time. It is ok to look around a bit and change the scenery. Nathan will be right there with me even without the physical proof.
Stories are not told by the final chapter alone. Stories are a continuation of thoughts
One line at a time.
One step at a time.
One lesson at a time.
One breath at a time.
Nathan is never without my love. He is proof of love, no matter where he is. Nothing I will ever do will change His purpose. I don’t need to do things to prove He was here.
God breathed life into Nathan, and he continues to breathe life into Me, Nathan’s Momma. That is really all the proof I need.
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