Our little blue butterfly

"Butterflies in general have many meanings within different cultures, with the most common being symbols for life, love, change or rebirth. Butterflies are also popularly thought to symbolize a person's essence, or soul, either past, present or future."

"A blue butterfly is a breathtaking example of Mother Nature at her finest. Because of its beauty, a blue butterfly is often thought to have special meaning and symbolism for those lucky enough to see one. Although seeing a blue butterfly is not a common experience, several species throughout the world are blue—or appear to be—and each holds special significance for its admirers."
Robin McClure- eHow contributor

I read the above information online(The Meaning of a Blue Butterfly @ eHow.com) I thought it was interesting because Nathan's memory "symbol", if you will,is a blue butterfly. Nathan is my blue butterfly. Amazingly the article states that it is rare to see them. And that a person is lucky to experience a blue butterfly. How true that is. I am lucky to have experienced Nathan's life and am still amazed at the impact His life has on so many people. What a rare butterfly He was indeed. Funny how one little blue butterfly can change your whole life.

Happy Tears

I was up later than usual this evening getting together my art supplies for the cards I am going to send out. I had cards made for nathan's blog and I am sending them several places to be handed out to grieving parents. I know God will be using these cards for great comfort. I was on my way to bed and felt the urge to check my e-mail.

I was brought to tears. The email was from a woman I had reached out to. I had sent her a card with the link to Nathan's blog. Never knowing if it would bless her life, but planted the seed of healing for God to grow.
She is the first person to request the comfort packet, and tell me her story.
I nearly fell to my knees. God told me to write this blog, God told me to make the comfort packets, God even told me to make the business cards about the blog to leave randomly. Even though somewhat scared, I knew it would help at least one person. God is going to minister to her in just the way she needs. God is going to give her the peace we all so desperately need.

I have cried happy tears tonight. I have cried in abundance tonight. I have cried because tonight I saw Nathan's life instead of His death. Through reaching out to grieving parents Nathan's legacy begins. I realized today that His life was not cut short, but perhaps His life was short to begin something so much bigger.

When the holy spirit speaks to you it is a moment you will never forget. I will never forget this moment and I am so grateful for God's presence. This woman blessed me in a way she will never know. It gave me joy unspeakable, just to be reminded that God is in control, even this blog is in his hands, and He is going to do amazing works.

Nathan,
Mommy misses you to pieces, but tonight you did not feel so far away. I Love You and don't worry....these are happy tears.

Progress

Today marks 6 months.
Unbelievable I know. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. I would not say it is getting any easier, but I am at a point where I am more and more at peace. James and I now have a codeword that we can whisper to each other if we are in a social situation, and get sad enough to need to leave. I read this idea in a book that one of my sister's professors sent us. He and His wife began doing this after they lost their son. If they were in a place and missing their son became to overwhelming, they would whisper their own codeword, and the other would know they were hurting. It is a way to kindly wrap things up and just be with each other. I think it is a wonderful tool.

6 months later I am finding that taking expectation out of things is allowing me to be more flexible and be very at peace with not being in control. James and I know that Nathan lived the days He was meant to, and we did not fail Him in any way. What is to happen will happen. God is in control, and I just have to surrender that He knows what is best for us. All I can do is hope, and keep going forward. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows how much we wanted Nathan, and He knows how hard loosing Him has been for us. I am in the best hands, even if I don't understand.

Something that has been difficult is learning how to adjust to being in public or anything social. I have always been a bit socially anxious, and never really liked crowds. Now it is just amplified.
I feel like I have a huge sign on me. "Warning Warning grieving Mother...could cry at any time" Like everyone is staring at me or something. Let's be honest. 99 percent of people are too busy with there own tasks to even notice me. And even if they do they are certainly not even aware of my grief. So I know it is crazy talk, but still it is a struggle. A breakdown in public has never even happened, but the fear of it can be debilitating.

One of the things I decided to do to overcome this is to volunteer a few hours a week at the Library.
I will only be doing it a few hours per week. But it is a huge step. It will merge me back into social settings, and force me to overcome.
I had to find something that was set apart from loosing Nathan. I need something that is just for me. I have to learn to separate myself from loosing Nathan. Not everything can be about that. That is why I have this blog. Here it can be all about Him all the time. It is a safe place. But I can't only focus on Him. I have to live this life. Even if He had lived it couldn't be all about Him.

While making small talk recently with someone new, the conversation led to if I have any children. I told Him about my 19 year old daughter, whom I was blessed to have adopted many years ago. I simply stated that James and I hope to add to our family one day. It felt like a slow motion moment. I did not mention Nathan even though I was thinking about him. But for the first time I felt O.K. with not mentioning Him. I did not feel guilty about not opening up the wound. I felt O.K. with thinking about Nathan but not mentioning Him in the setting I was in. It was a huge step.


With such a loss you feel that every moment you don't talk about your child you are somehow forgetting them and wronging them in some way. Even though deep down I know this is not the case, the yucky feelings are still there. So it was nice to have interaction about children without feeling this guilt. I have, and continue to honor Nathan’s memory. I am finding that I also honor Him with happy things. Every time I laugh I feel closer to Him.

Because you see God wants me to be happy. Laughing and enjoying moments is what God wants me to do. When I do what God wants, I am closer to Him. That same God holds it all in His hands, including our Nathan. So every step forward I take I am closer to it all.

Holding

Holding

In bitter waves of woe,
Beaten and tossed about,
By the sullen winds that blow,
From the desolate shores of doubt,
Where the anchors that faith has cast,
Are dragging in the gale,
I am quietly holding fast,
To the things that cannot fail.

--Washington Gladden

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