Unbelievable I know. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. I would not say it is getting any easier, but I am at a point where I am more and more at peace. James and I now have a codeword that we can whisper to each other if we are in a social situation, and get sad enough to need to leave. I read this idea in a book that one of my sister's professors sent us. He and His wife began doing this after they lost their son. If they were in a place and missing their son became to overwhelming, they would whisper their own codeword, and the other would know they were hurting. It is a way to kindly wrap things up and just be with each other. I think it is a wonderful tool.
6 months later I am finding that taking expectation out of things is allowing me to be more flexible and be very at peace with not being in control. James and I know that Nathan lived the days He was meant to, and we did not fail Him in any way. What is to happen will happen. God is in control, and I just have to surrender that He knows what is best for us. All I can do is hope, and keep going forward. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows how much we wanted Nathan, and He knows how hard loosing Him has been for us. I am in the best hands, even if I don't understand.
Something that has been difficult is learning how to adjust to being in public or anything social. I have always been a bit socially anxious, and never really liked crowds. Now it is just amplified.
I feel like I have a huge sign on me. "Warning Warning grieving Mother...could cry at any time"
One of the things I decided to do to overcome this is to volunteer a few hours a week at the Library.
I will only be doing it a few hours per week. But it is a huge step. It will merge me back into social settings, and force me to overcome.
I had to find something that was set apart from loosing Nathan. I need something that is just for me. I have to learn to separate myself from loosing Nathan. Not everything can be about that. That is why I have this blog. Here it can be all about Him all the time. It is a safe place. But I can't only focus on Him. I have to live this life. Even if He had lived it couldn't be all about Him.
While making small talk recently with someone new, the conversation led to if I have any children. I told Him about my 19 year old daughter, whom I was blessed to have adopted many years ago. I simply stated that James and I hope to add to our family one day. It felt like a slow motion moment. I did not mention Nathan even though I was thinking about him. But for the first time I felt O.K. with not mentioning Him. I did not feel guilty about not opening up the wound. I felt O.K. with thinking about Nathan but not mentioning Him in the setting I was in. It was a huge step.
With such a loss you feel that every moment you don't talk about your child you are somehow forgetting them and wronging them in some way. Even though deep down I know this is not the case, the yucky feelings are still there. So it was nice to have interaction about children without feeling this guilt. I have, and continue to honor Nathan’s memory. I am finding that I also honor Him with happy things. Every time I laugh I feel closer to Him.
Because you see God wants me to be happy. Laughing and enjoying moments is what God wants me to do. When I do what God wants, I am closer to Him. That same God holds it all in His hands, including our Nathan. So every step forward I take I am closer to it all.
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