But what happens when we lack that sparkle of life. What about
the times when belief eludes you. What happens when you stumble over what is
behind you. What about the times when you cannot balance holding on with
letting go. What happens when the loudest sound you hear is the sound of
letting go, and the noise is so deafening that it pulsates pain in every part
of you.
Far be it from me to not believe, but it is true. I have
cursed God. Damn You! Damn this life! Damn this mountain of regret and pain. Damn
the very breathe I take. The breath that my son was denied. Damn you for
breathing life into those undeserving.
Because you see, this demon of sadness came long before I
lost Nathan. I have been plagued by pain from very early on. Nathan’s passing
was a catalyst to seek and find something that I never knew existed. Living a
life in a constant state of pain, is much like death. Every single moment of
every single day.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the
US. Each year 44,965 American die by suicide. It makes me wonder how many of
them have lost a child? I would guess, it is an alarming number, and I would
bet that a great many of these have previous trauma on top of that. For parents the death of their child defies
the natural order of life events. It challenges our basic existential expectations.
It certainly did for me. It is a dark place that sometimes a person cannot come
out of.
Therefore, for this, I am illuminating my own truth.
Many years ago, long before Nathan, and long before I became
the woman I am today, there was a lost, young, girl in hiding. There was a dark
demon that whispered lies into my mind. There was un-diagnosed depression, and mania
filled episodes. The atmosphere was thick in desperation. This was in a space
and time before the state of a person’s mental health was openly discussed in
family settings. Through no fault of my family, it was overlooked and untreated.
It manifested over time and became a darkness I could not escape. Those
whispered lies led me to a serious attempt on ending my life.
I survived, and over
the decades that followed, I pushed it further and further down. Only a select
few knew of my moment of desperation. I didn’t speak about it. I didn’t seek resolution.
I pushed it further and further into a space of bewilderment and shame. I pretended to move forward. I existed in a
space of secrecy and survival. On the outside you would never know that every
day I wanted to fade away. You would never know that this believer did not
believe. You would never know that every time I walked into a room, the air was
sucked out. You would never know that I walked in a perpetual state of shadows.
You would never know that I believed in God but despised him at the same time.
You would never know that I was plagued by nightmares, and restlessness.
And then Nathan died. And in that moment when his heartbeat
ceased, I whispered a threat to God.
“You had better be real to me. You had better show up right
now. You had better save me from this because I do not want to breathe again. If
not, I will never believe in you or anything again. This time I will not live.”
This is the genuine conversation I had with God at that
moment, and I have not fully shared it before. I have only shared it on pieces.
But I feel that it is time. I feel that someone reading this needs this
transparency. I need this transparency every day.
Through the shadows light appeared. I did not have an audible
experience with God that day. But a supernatural experience did occur. A
blanket of peace covered me from my head to my toes. It was a peace that saved
my life.
Many of you tell me how brave I am. How much I inspire you
to keep going. You say the most amazing and affirming things. But I need you to
know that anything powerful you see in me does not come from me at all. It
comes from that blanket of peace. It comes from my surrender. It comes from empty
hands held high. It comes from finally being honest about my weakness. It comes
from a moment when every part of who I was died. I have met the devil. I have
met God. I know which craved my death. I know which craved my life. I know what
is real because I have met both.
I still struggle with darkness and depression every moment
of every day. The demon still whispers in my ear and now with a more urgent persistence.
It presses the weight of the loss of my son into my heart and is unrelenting. I
carry this weight every single moment of every day. I still cry and scream at
God. But he never screams back, and this is what saves me.
Today I fight back. I
seek wise counsel. I seek professional help. I do not live in shame because I
choose medication and therapy. I live with a bold transparency now that was not
possible before Nathan passed. I measure
time differently now. Everything is Pre and Post Nathan. Post Nathan is not
without struggle, but it is possible.
I have lived a lifetime in the almost 7 years since Nathan's passing. However, I have finally lived.
It is possible for you too. You can feel healing in your
bones. You can overcome and not have to fake it any longer. You can live
abundantly, even in the struggle. If you cannot find your way, come find me. We
can stumble together. We are not meant to carry mountains. We are meant to climb
them, and we can climb them together.
