Even silence has a song

In the times of silence it helps to remember that silence is not a punishement. It is a time for us to be still and know. How refreshing to be reminded that it is O.K. to just be still and not have to figure it all out.

Healing Hearts

A big Thank You to...Healing Hearts Support Organization for providing Nathan's memorial brick at the Angel Of Hope Memorial in Lagrange,GA

This is a wonderful ministry if you are in need of support.

http://www.healingheartsorg.com/ Or
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Healing-Hearts/

The Anchor Holds

The Anchor Holds
Words and music by Lawrence Chewning and Ray Boltz

I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

Ive had visions
Ive had dreams
Ive even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

CHORUS

I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, that's where God proved His love to me

CHORUS (repeat)

Angry Pants

I have recently cycled through an "Angry" stage. I would not say I have said goodbye to this angry stage forever, as I am sure it will cycle back at some point. But this particular season of anger has passed for me, and I am very glad to see it go.

Anger is a strange emotion. I think that is mostly because it is often misdirected. When you loose a child who do you blame it on? Even when human error or reckless decision is involved who do you really blame? In the end doesn't God have the final say? How exactly does a person successfully express anger at the LORD? How does a person ever win that fight? How can a person effectively place blame with the LORD? I think it is human nature to blame our CREATOR when things fall apart. All the more reason for me to adore Him. He allows my rants and loves me still.

I think that anger can be as useful as it is strange. Anger can be used to propel us to another place. Anger can be a handy ladder to have to scale overwhelming walls. We can actually use anger as a catalyst to propel us higher than we could have before. I think this is why God allows it. Even when anger is directed at Him, He knows it has a purpose in the end. Only in being honest about your anger can you overcome what it was that made you angry in the first place. You have to sometimes meet the beast face to face before you can slay it.

I no longer feel like I am a horrible person for being angry. Mostly my anger was because everyone else’s lives seemed to move right along after Nathan’s death. They went to work. They had babies of their own. They laughed and experienced life. While mine seemed to stand still. The truth is that they were suppose to move forward. This is the natural progression of life. We are not meant to stay in misery.

In my humanness it was expected for me to be weak and to be jealous and to feel empty. I am not abnormal for feeling this way. This is what grace is for. God’s grace covers the ugliness of my anger and jealousy, and it allows for me to be forgiven…..especially to forgive myself.


Dear Ones,
Thank you for seeing me through this angry stage. Thank you for loving me despite my misdirected anger. Thank you for not even asking if it was you whom I was angry at? But instead for focusing on encouraging me without ever needing to know the answer.
I love you to reese’s pieces

Keep Your Eyes Open

Keep Your Eyes Open By: Need to Breathe

I love this song. It is like a personal reminder from the LORD. He is telling me to just keep my eyes open, keep my eyes focused on Him. If I just keep fighting the good fight He promises to never leave me. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel, and I can see glimpses of it. I can see glimpses of the brighter days ahead, and I must keep my eyes open during the pain and trials of the everyday. Closing them makes me loose my focus and puts me in the dark again. The battle is already won for me, I just have to keep strong and rememeber that the Lord sees what I cannot. His eyes are always open.

A Series of unfortunate events

A year ago today we buried our son. Last night on the eve of such a horrible day, we buried our sweet dacshund “MoMo”. He was our pal for eleven years. A few days prior to that, while we were at the beach, a man drowned while vacationing with his family.

What a bizarre turn of events. What unexpected sadness. One minute your life is this way and then it is jerked sideways. But still the sun will rise and set. Still the waves will rise and fall. Still we must carry on in some way.

I think Author James Patterson wrote it best in his work ANGEL ( a work of fiction in no way related to the loss of a child)
” The Weird, Weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you’re faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.”


This morning with all the sadness, and uncertainty of life, the sun was shining. There was a soft breeze, and the temperature was perfect. Isn't this just like God? Isn't it just His way to give us such a beautiful morning at the exact moment we need to be reminded He is with us? Somehow I could feel peace on the breeze. And while my eyes are swollen from tears, and my heart is heavy with loss, there is still a reassuring breeze that reminds me that all is not forgotten. As my hair tosses a bit in this breeze I realize.... I never imagined I could stand one year later. I never imagined I could live with such a hurt. And yet here I am. Not completely whole mind you, but together enough to appreciate the breeze itself.

Come and rest here

Kari Jobe "Here"

Here and Now

August 7 2011 I went to bed and I slept. I wasn't sure I would with the lingering tragedy of the night. But Nathan and We were in a safe place, and somehow I was blessed with a deep dreamless sleep.

I was changed. I was different. The life I knew was gone now. I wondered if I could go back? I would look and maybe even behave like me, but I wasn't the same person.

Everything was like a bad dream. "I now realized who I was for better or worse. There was no closing my eyes and sliding back into the blissful dream of "normal" This was my normal now."

To Quote Sara Groves.......
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I’ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned ...............

So Here I sit one year later. I breath a lot. I rest a lot. In these moments I am breathing and resting in God. I am also waiting. I am not sure what i am waiting for but I know God is here with me in the waiting. We are on our way to the beach and I plan to be away from it all during this week of Nathan's Birthday. So I am posting this a few days early in hopes that it brings me closer to our butterball as we journey there.

Nathan,
You are so loved and as near to us now as ever before. On your Birthday we will be at the beach. We are going to celebrate your life and laugh and be together as a family.
But don't worry sweet boy Daddy and I plan to watch the sunset on your Birthday. We are going to squish our toes in the sand, and that moment will be just for you and Mommy and Daddy. We will breath in and out and breath you in. We will rest in Jesus, and breath whispers all the way to where you are.

Happy Birthday Baby We love You,
Mommy and Daddy