Here and Now

August 7 2011 I went to bed and I slept. I wasn't sure I would with the lingering tragedy of the night. But Nathan and We were in a safe place, and somehow I was blessed with a deep dreamless sleep.

I was changed. I was different. The life I knew was gone now. I wondered if I could go back? I would look and maybe even behave like me, but I wasn't the same person.

Everything was like a bad dream. "I now realized who I was for better or worse. There was no closing my eyes and sliding back into the blissful dream of "normal" This was my normal now."

To Quote Sara Groves.......
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I’ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned ...............

So Here I sit one year later. I breath a lot. I rest a lot. In these moments I am breathing and resting in God. I am also waiting. I am not sure what i am waiting for but I know God is here with me in the waiting. We are on our way to the beach and I plan to be away from it all during this week of Nathan's Birthday. So I am posting this a few days early in hopes that it brings me closer to our butterball as we journey there.

Nathan,
You are so loved and as near to us now as ever before. On your Birthday we will be at the beach. We are going to celebrate your life and laugh and be together as a family.
But don't worry sweet boy Daddy and I plan to watch the sunset on your Birthday. We are going to squish our toes in the sand, and that moment will be just for you and Mommy and Daddy. We will breath in and out and breath you in. We will rest in Jesus, and breath whispers all the way to where you are.

Happy Birthday Baby We love You,
Mommy and Daddy