Words I cannot speak

Here lately I have found that music is speaking the words I cannot seam to utter. Nathan's 1 year Birthday is a few weeks away and I have to admit that it is an ache in the pit of my stomach. It is a looming cloud of bitter sweet. I thank God for the miracle that Nathan remains, but it is difficult to accept his absence.

So in this space of waiting and pain I am finding music to speak louder than ever before. Through music I am able to praise God when I myself cannot utter the words on my heart.I will continue to praise God. I will praise because he is worthy, and also because through praise He defeats the enemy. Praising God will not bring Nathan back, but it does allow me to appreciate where he is. Praise brings me closer to Glory, and that is where my Son is. I want to be as close to Nathan as I can, and through God I can do that.

People comment that I am so strong. Actually I am not. I am very weak. I am heartbroken. I struggle every moment of the day. Sometimes breathing is so difficult I just want to crumble. But I am O.K. with being weak. Through my weakness and shaken faith God is mighty and strong. When you have nothing left, and everything you have ever dreamed is lost to you , you find yourself at the end of who you are. You find yourself at the end of all your expectations and plans. This can be a beautiful thing though. Because at the end of who you are is where God meets you. He meets you in the broken places when all seems lost, He meets you when you have no direction, and every step is shaky. In this place He gives you unimaginable peace. A peace that goes beyond words. In the crying out, and in the times of shouting “Why God? Why?” , and the times when my heart screams in agony, there is still peace. I find God in this place of brokenness.

Thank You God for music. Just when I need to release my emotion, I will hear a song that says what needs saying. Thank you to my sweet sister for sharing this song with me.