Oh LORD,
What are you doing with all of this? What am I expected to learn from this pain? Am I doing O.K....at least for today anyway? Some days the pain is just so raw, and other days painfully far away. I am not sure which feels worse though, and I wonder if I am trusting you and your promise to prosper me. Do I even really know what it means to trust you? Will I one day be like Job or Paul even? Will I ever be strong and wise and close to you like they learned to be? Will others one day tell my story long after I am gone, and tell of my love and devotion to you even through the worst of times? Will I be able to be such a person that can even thank you for this trial? Am I really being refined? I don't feel refined just burned. Please remind me that one day....one day...one day...I don't even know what, just remind me LORD. Remind me how important I am to you. Remind me that you are still in control. You know me better than I do, Remind me LORD..remind me.
I do love you, you know,
Samara
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
A Sobering Question
Often the worst times are in the wee hours of the morning. You simply can’t sleep, even if you have a prescription that can take down a 300 pound bear, you still can’t sleep.
These are the times when I just get out of bed. I have two things I like to do.
First is clean. Reason One is that I enjoy a clean house, and reason two being that after a bit it helps lull you back to sleep with a sense of accomplishment at the very least.
Second is to write, Blogging to you sweet souls puts me more at ease than most things. Even if I start out angry or confused I end up with the peace that undoubtedly God had planned for me in the first place.
What kept me up tonight was the very sobering question we and or our family gets asked a lot. “Are you (they) going to try again?” I will tell you that there is nothing wrong with this question if asked at the appropriate time. After Nathan first passed away it offended me honestly. But now I can answer it knowing that the asker is not trying to hurt me at all. I think most people are generally good, and mean no harm. So I think that They are simply trying to help you place hope of a new beginning back in your heart. They are simply trying to comfort you in a way that seems appropriate in that moment. They simply want your pain to be set aside long enough to see the hope of maybe just maybe.
But these are the things that still run through my head when asked such a sobering question….
How could I even answer that question when I still feel like I am in a horrible dream sequence? Also what do they mean by try again? Do they mean try harder not to loose the next baby? Do they mean try not to blame ourselves every moment for loosing the last baby? Yes I want another baby, but not as a replacement! Does me even considering it make me a horrible person?
These thoughts and questions swirl around in my head until my eyelids get hot.
Now askers ...I know that you mean well. I know there is not an ounce of malice in your quandary. But I do recommend praying for God to show you when that window has been opened for discussion. Then you will know the right words to say at just the right time.
And for those of us being asked...Please know they mean no harm only comfort. So simply say what is comfortable for you. Be honest if you don't even want to answer. They will understand.
And if you have asked me or want to ask me here is my heartfelt response.
"We are praying about it" because dear ones we honestly are, and that is all we know for now. We have learned through this tragedy that God really is in control of it all. So for us it is best to pray and be still. Let God's plan work itself out.
Satan will attack our grief journey. But scripture proves that we are not alone. Our suffering is only temporary. And that The Victor is on the way! So hold tight to the verses below and may they bring you courage. We may be weak but Jesus is strong, and we will overcome...even this.
1 Peter 5:8-11
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
9 But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
11 To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.
These are the times when I just get out of bed. I have two things I like to do.
First is clean. Reason One is that I enjoy a clean house, and reason two being that after a bit it helps lull you back to sleep with a sense of accomplishment at the very least.
Second is to write, Blogging to you sweet souls puts me more at ease than most things. Even if I start out angry or confused I end up with the peace that undoubtedly God had planned for me in the first place.
What kept me up tonight was the very sobering question we and or our family gets asked a lot. “Are you (they) going to try again?” I will tell you that there is nothing wrong with this question if asked at the appropriate time. After Nathan first passed away it offended me honestly. But now I can answer it knowing that the asker is not trying to hurt me at all. I think most people are generally good, and mean no harm. So I think that They are simply trying to help you place hope of a new beginning back in your heart. They are simply trying to comfort you in a way that seems appropriate in that moment. They simply want your pain to be set aside long enough to see the hope of maybe just maybe.
But these are the things that still run through my head when asked such a sobering question….
How could I even answer that question when I still feel like I am in a horrible dream sequence? Also what do they mean by try again? Do they mean try harder not to loose the next baby? Do they mean try not to blame ourselves every moment for loosing the last baby? Yes I want another baby, but not as a replacement! Does me even considering it make me a horrible person?
These thoughts and questions swirl around in my head until my eyelids get hot.
Now askers ...I know that you mean well. I know there is not an ounce of malice in your quandary. But I do recommend praying for God to show you when that window has been opened for discussion. Then you will know the right words to say at just the right time.
And for those of us being asked...Please know they mean no harm only comfort. So simply say what is comfortable for you. Be honest if you don't even want to answer. They will understand.
And if you have asked me or want to ask me here is my heartfelt response.
"We are praying about it" because dear ones we honestly are, and that is all we know for now. We have learned through this tragedy that God really is in control of it all. So for us it is best to pray and be still. Let God's plan work itself out.
Satan will attack our grief journey. But scripture proves that we are not alone. Our suffering is only temporary. And that The Victor is on the way! So hold tight to the verses below and may they bring you courage. We may be weak but Jesus is strong, and we will overcome...even this.
1 Peter 5:8-11
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
9 But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
11 To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Mother's Day
A special Mother's Day to all. This year is going to be especially difficult. That being said I am still blessed to have peace beyond understanding. Even though our little ones are not with us, We are still Mother's. We can have peace knowing they are safe and sound with the Lord.
The Cord
We are connected
My child and I
By an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye
It's not like the cord that connects us until birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth
This cord does its work
Right from the start
It binds us together
Attached to the heart
I know that it is there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me
The strength of this cord
It is hard to describe
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied
It is stronger than any cord man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight
And though you are gone
Though you're not here with me
The cord is still there
But no one can see
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised
I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before
I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child
Death cannot take it away
Thank You to Lori Beth Blaney, Director of Rachel's Gift Inc.
For Sending me this poem
The Cord
We are connected
My child and I
By an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye
It's not like the cord that connects us until birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth
This cord does its work
Right from the start
It binds us together
Attached to the heart
I know that it is there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me
The strength of this cord
It is hard to describe
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied
It is stronger than any cord man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight
And though you are gone
Though you're not here with me
The cord is still there
But no one can see
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised
I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before
I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child
Death cannot take it away
Thank You to Lori Beth Blaney, Director of Rachel's Gift Inc.
For Sending me this poem
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The 8th day
Today I was bummed. I woke up bummed. Showered bummed. Got ready for the day bummed. And did everything bummed the rest of the day. At first I assumed it was because everything I tried on didn’t fit right. You ever have those days? Shirt too tight. Jeans tighter than yesterday. Even my shoes seemed tighter. Then I remembered the shoes never really fit right and that gave me slight relief. Why am I even keeping these silly shoes. I digress….
I spent the day with my sister. We did a little shopping. I used some awesome coupons, and even got 30cents off per gallon! (Thank You Kroger) This alone should have brightened my day. I even had a few really good laughs throughout. But still I was bummed. I even had a slight ache beyond my temples. But I just couldn’t name what it was that was bothering me. I mean besides the obvious, but that is an ache I have become familiar with. I even dare say an ache I am learning to live with. But for some reason today was different. I even had pizza for dinner! Which side note makes me instantly happy on every occasion.
Then I laid my head down, closed my eyes, and quickly it came to me. Today is the 8th of the month. Nathan’s 9 month mark. All day my heart was aching. I was out of sorts all day and just couldn’t name why. I am not sure how to feel exactly. Normally I anticipate the 8th of each month. I anticipate being a little sad and plan accordingly. But this month snuck up on me, and I cried thinking….
I wonder why? Does this make me a bad person? When did I stop counting the days? When did the 8th of the month become just another day? Is this progress or something negative? Is it O.K. that I did not mark the day?
The truth is that with or without me intentionally putting this day aside, my heart knew all along. My heart knew what day it was, but also knew I needed to keep living on this particular day. Maybe it was O.K. to feel a deeper ache today, but to keep going without giving the date itself power. Maybe I shouldn’t put the 8th day of each month in a box, and stare at it all day long. Maybe my heart will hurt and heal with or without my input. Grief obviously doesn’t need my itinerary. God is obviously healing my heart in His time. His time is perfect. Maybe I need to be O.K. that I went with the flow today. Truth be told Nathan is still safe and sound in Glory no matter what day it is. Maybe I need to start marking the 8th day of the month positive instead. The 8th day of the month is when I met Him. The 8th day of the month was when James and I finally held him and kissed his chubby cheeks. The 8th day of the month He was already in Glory.
Today I was shopping I saw a wall plaque that I really wanted to buy. The words really spoke to me. I have seen it a few times, and it always catches my attention. Maybe next week I will go ahead and get it. Because I just now realized what it truly means. It reads…..
Keep Calm and Carry On
Good advice, because in the end, the truth is that I hear God best in the stillness, and He can't guide my steps if don't keep moving.
I spent the day with my sister. We did a little shopping. I used some awesome coupons, and even got 30cents off per gallon! (Thank You Kroger) This alone should have brightened my day. I even had a few really good laughs throughout. But still I was bummed. I even had a slight ache beyond my temples. But I just couldn’t name what it was that was bothering me. I mean besides the obvious, but that is an ache I have become familiar with. I even dare say an ache I am learning to live with. But for some reason today was different. I even had pizza for dinner! Which side note makes me instantly happy on every occasion.
Then I laid my head down, closed my eyes, and quickly it came to me. Today is the 8th of the month. Nathan’s 9 month mark. All day my heart was aching. I was out of sorts all day and just couldn’t name why. I am not sure how to feel exactly. Normally I anticipate the 8th of each month. I anticipate being a little sad and plan accordingly. But this month snuck up on me, and I cried thinking….
I wonder why? Does this make me a bad person? When did I stop counting the days? When did the 8th of the month become just another day? Is this progress or something negative? Is it O.K. that I did not mark the day?
The truth is that with or without me intentionally putting this day aside, my heart knew all along. My heart knew what day it was, but also knew I needed to keep living on this particular day. Maybe it was O.K. to feel a deeper ache today, but to keep going without giving the date itself power. Maybe I shouldn’t put the 8th day of each month in a box, and stare at it all day long. Maybe my heart will hurt and heal with or without my input. Grief obviously doesn’t need my itinerary. God is obviously healing my heart in His time. His time is perfect. Maybe I need to be O.K. that I went with the flow today. Truth be told Nathan is still safe and sound in Glory no matter what day it is. Maybe I need to start marking the 8th day of the month positive instead. The 8th day of the month is when I met Him. The 8th day of the month was when James and I finally held him and kissed his chubby cheeks. The 8th day of the month He was already in Glory.
Today I was shopping I saw a wall plaque that I really wanted to buy. The words really spoke to me. I have seen it a few times, and it always catches my attention. Maybe next week I will go ahead and get it. Because I just now realized what it truly means. It reads…..
Keep Calm and Carry On
Good advice, because in the end, the truth is that I hear God best in the stillness, and He can't guide my steps if don't keep moving.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
A little reminder please
Lord,
I know you guide my steps. I do not do anything without you. I am never without your affection. But today Lord I need reminded. I need reminded that this pain is just a part of the refining fire. I need reminded that one day I will be beyond this, and maybe even better because of it. I need you to remind me who I am to you, and that no matter my doubts, I still need to trust you. Today, this very moment, I need you to remind me to believe even though I cannot see. Remind me that this is just for a little while, and that "one day at a time" is an acceptable pace. Remind me that I do not have to move the mountains. Remind me that this is your task, and that I only have to climb them. As always thank you for your patience. You know my soul well. Sometimes I just need a little reminder. Thank You for you grace :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)