A Child Loaned
by Edgar Guest
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she's dead.
"It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for me?
"She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
"I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
"I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane,
I have selected you.
"Now, will you give her all your love,
And not think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call
And take her back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
"We'll shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may.
And for the happiness we know,
Forever grateful stay.
"But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Oh Grief You Trickster
Grief is such a trickster. Let’s be honest I would use a much looser expletive, but this is a family friendly site. I Digress…..
The other night James and I went to a restaurant we had not been at before. We ran into our favorite server that we had not seen since I was very very pregnant. She had left another place we frequent right before, and did not know we had lost Nathan. She is a precious girl, and of course greeted us with the most excited “How is the baby?”
These moments are dreadful. Most of the time it is because James and I are concerned with how horrible the other person is going to feel. He or She feel awful for asking, but it is an honest question. How could they have imagined such a horrible ending to something so wonderful? So of course we told her and remained strong. We love talking about Nathan so as painful as the conversation is at first, it always ends up positive and uplifting.
You would think that with the above happening, and being able to talk about it openly, that I am very strong. I am actually not. I am quite weak. I just have a relationship with God and go to Him for strength. Most of the time I am fine around babies. Most of the time I see a pregnant woman and smile at the thought. But sometimes it hits me like a wave. Sometimes I simply fall right where I am.
I was in Wal-Mart just a few days after our restaurant encounter and heard a little baby crying at the other end of the store, and I lost it. I had to go into the bathroom and have a good solid cry. Here I was just a few days before telling my story full of smiles, and the next I am crying in the dog food isle.
There is just no way to predict when grief’s winds will blow your way. This makes me believe if grief had a gender she would be female. Let’s be honest ladies we can change our direction, mind, mood, appetite at a moments notice. Grief is an emotional wind that can suck you up at times. It helps me to give grief it’s due respect, but not give it control. I don’t know if that makes since or not. You have to spend your moments with grief. Never ignore her. It is healthy to cry when needed. It is healthy to be honest when you are not doing so well. But when grief gets out of hand remind her that this is your journey. God has your journey in His hands, and she can shake the boat all she wants. But it is still God’s boat.
My boat is not watertight. Sometimes it fills to the tip top. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am strong enough to tread water, and when I can’t anymore, God will pull me out or drain the water. Or maybe even do something more amazing. Either way I am not alone, and I don’t have to be strong all the time. I just have to be brave enough to try.
The other night James and I went to a restaurant we had not been at before. We ran into our favorite server that we had not seen since I was very very pregnant. She had left another place we frequent right before, and did not know we had lost Nathan. She is a precious girl, and of course greeted us with the most excited “How is the baby?”
These moments are dreadful. Most of the time it is because James and I are concerned with how horrible the other person is going to feel. He or She feel awful for asking, but it is an honest question. How could they have imagined such a horrible ending to something so wonderful? So of course we told her and remained strong. We love talking about Nathan so as painful as the conversation is at first, it always ends up positive and uplifting.
You would think that with the above happening, and being able to talk about it openly, that I am very strong. I am actually not. I am quite weak. I just have a relationship with God and go to Him for strength. Most of the time I am fine around babies. Most of the time I see a pregnant woman and smile at the thought. But sometimes it hits me like a wave. Sometimes I simply fall right where I am.
I was in Wal-Mart just a few days after our restaurant encounter and heard a little baby crying at the other end of the store, and I lost it. I had to go into the bathroom and have a good solid cry. Here I was just a few days before telling my story full of smiles, and the next I am crying in the dog food isle.
There is just no way to predict when grief’s winds will blow your way. This makes me believe if grief had a gender she would be female. Let’s be honest ladies we can change our direction, mind, mood, appetite at a moments notice. Grief is an emotional wind that can suck you up at times. It helps me to give grief it’s due respect, but not give it control. I don’t know if that makes since or not. You have to spend your moments with grief. Never ignore her. It is healthy to cry when needed. It is healthy to be honest when you are not doing so well. But when grief gets out of hand remind her that this is your journey. God has your journey in His hands, and she can shake the boat all she wants. But it is still God’s boat.
My boat is not watertight. Sometimes it fills to the tip top. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am strong enough to tread water, and when I can’t anymore, God will pull me out or drain the water. Or maybe even do something more amazing. Either way I am not alone, and I don’t have to be strong all the time. I just have to be brave enough to try.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thank You
Thank You God for moving mountains.....Even if You choose to move them just one inch at a time :)
Monday, March 19, 2012
Greeting Grief
Grief is such an unexpected house quest. Whether you hate your grief or embrace your grief doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it has showed up at your doorstep and you have a choice to make.
“Do I slam the door in it’s face and try to ignore it? Possibly even run out the back door? “ Or “Do I welcome it in and offer it to stay for coffee? Possibly for a short visit that will no doubt be the entire length of my favorite T.V. show? “
At some point, to avoid insanity, you have to make a choice. Run from the grief or embrace it?
A few weeks after we lost Nathan a sweet woman who works at our bank heard our story and she opened up about also loosing a son many years ago. She told me that yes it is difficult to go forward. But it is possible. It is a choice. You can choose to let the grief overcome you. To live life only a shell of who you once were. To live a life void of God’s blessings because your heart is full of regret and anger.
She expressed the flip side as well. Or you can embrace it and take a journey with it. See what God has for you on the other side of this trial. And gain a peace beyond understanding. You will never move on but you can move forward
She too is a believer and I could immediately feel her sweet spirit as she was speaking with James and I. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. While the world was spinning around us there was just the three of us. And she took valuable time to minister to a couple that needed to see her courage, we needed to be reminded that the power of God can still be found in dark places, and actually that is where the power of God shines the brightest.
I have carried these words with me thought the past 7 months. At the beginning we all were very afraid of which option I would choose, I had to choose one way to greet my grief. Ignoring it is not an option and it only leads to insanity. So with much prayer and the prayers of my amazing support system I choose and am able to embrace grief.
I open the door to grief when I feel it knocking. I am finding that if I am almost welcoming to it, the bad times are less frequent and the sting is a little less harsh each time.
But sometimes grief sneaks in the back door and knocks my knees completely out from under me. Expecting me to fall so far I won’t even try to get back up.
So I sit with it for a minute giving it some attention. I say good morning grief and then I tell it what we will be doing today. Grief we are going to get out of bed, take a shower, enjoy some coffee, talk to the lord, see what I need to be doing today and at some point I would like to get a nap in.
I am only able to do this because God has given me power through Him. Sometimes grief leaves quickly and sometimes it lingers. However it knows that it isn’t allowed to overcome me. Even grief must know it’s place in Gods plan. There will be pain. Grief will be part of it, but only within My God’s boundaries.
Thursday evening I was remembering Nathan’s features.
I could remember his dark hair, button nose, chubby hands, his broad shoulders.
But was very saddened because I could not remember if his eyebrows were light or dark? Or what his feet looked liked? Grief shot me out of bed and I had to get out Nathan’s memory box. I looked through all the photos and was frantically trying to find just one picture of his feet. I could never find one.
I was able to see that his eyebrows were lighter than his hair, and I had to accept that some memories just are not going to be so easy to recall. I have to accept that I won’t have pictures of every little thing.
I sat with grief for a bit that night. I had a good cry, but it was on my terms.
The fear of forgetting Nathan’s features is something I struggle with.
I simply have to see Him in my mind because memories are all I have left of Him. When you have no tangible evidence of your baby . You need your memories to be clear.
That is how you see them and bond with them. That is how you respect that they were once a living individual and not just something you held in your dreams.
I am glad that God sets boundaries even on grief. Almost as if it is there to serve me, by keeping me focused. If I stay focused I have the power to overcome. Grief can sometimes be useful. It can serve as a reminder that we are still in this place but we are in control of how we choose to meet the circumstances in this place. Pain reminds us that this is not our home.
“Do I slam the door in it’s face and try to ignore it? Possibly even run out the back door? “ Or “Do I welcome it in and offer it to stay for coffee? Possibly for a short visit that will no doubt be the entire length of my favorite T.V. show? “
At some point, to avoid insanity, you have to make a choice. Run from the grief or embrace it?
A few weeks after we lost Nathan a sweet woman who works at our bank heard our story and she opened up about also loosing a son many years ago. She told me that yes it is difficult to go forward. But it is possible. It is a choice. You can choose to let the grief overcome you. To live life only a shell of who you once were. To live a life void of God’s blessings because your heart is full of regret and anger.
She expressed the flip side as well. Or you can embrace it and take a journey with it. See what God has for you on the other side of this trial. And gain a peace beyond understanding. You will never move on but you can move forward
She too is a believer and I could immediately feel her sweet spirit as she was speaking with James and I. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. While the world was spinning around us there was just the three of us. And she took valuable time to minister to a couple that needed to see her courage, we needed to be reminded that the power of God can still be found in dark places, and actually that is where the power of God shines the brightest.
I have carried these words with me thought the past 7 months. At the beginning we all were very afraid of which option I would choose, I had to choose one way to greet my grief. Ignoring it is not an option and it only leads to insanity. So with much prayer and the prayers of my amazing support system I choose and am able to embrace grief.
I open the door to grief when I feel it knocking. I am finding that if I am almost welcoming to it, the bad times are less frequent and the sting is a little less harsh each time.
But sometimes grief sneaks in the back door and knocks my knees completely out from under me. Expecting me to fall so far I won’t even try to get back up.
So I sit with it for a minute giving it some attention. I say good morning grief and then I tell it what we will be doing today. Grief we are going to get out of bed, take a shower, enjoy some coffee, talk to the lord, see what I need to be doing today and at some point I would like to get a nap in.
I am only able to do this because God has given me power through Him. Sometimes grief leaves quickly and sometimes it lingers. However it knows that it isn’t allowed to overcome me. Even grief must know it’s place in Gods plan. There will be pain. Grief will be part of it, but only within My God’s boundaries.
Thursday evening I was remembering Nathan’s features.
I could remember his dark hair, button nose, chubby hands, his broad shoulders.
But was very saddened because I could not remember if his eyebrows were light or dark? Or what his feet looked liked? Grief shot me out of bed and I had to get out Nathan’s memory box. I looked through all the photos and was frantically trying to find just one picture of his feet. I could never find one.
I was able to see that his eyebrows were lighter than his hair, and I had to accept that some memories just are not going to be so easy to recall. I have to accept that I won’t have pictures of every little thing.
I sat with grief for a bit that night. I had a good cry, but it was on my terms.
The fear of forgetting Nathan’s features is something I struggle with.
I simply have to see Him in my mind because memories are all I have left of Him. When you have no tangible evidence of your baby . You need your memories to be clear.
That is how you see them and bond with them. That is how you respect that they were once a living individual and not just something you held in your dreams.
I am glad that God sets boundaries even on grief. Almost as if it is there to serve me, by keeping me focused. If I stay focused I have the power to overcome. Grief can sometimes be useful. It can serve as a reminder that we are still in this place but we are in control of how we choose to meet the circumstances in this place. Pain reminds us that this is not our home.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Triggers
This past Thursday we celebrated that Nathan would have been 7 months old . It always brings a smile to my face thinking about what He would be like at this point. The eighth of the month always triggers happy thoughts and very little tears for me. We really try to celebrate the day, talk about him, remember the life of kicks and bounces, focus on the fact that He was here and not that he is not here. The eighth day of the month triggers warm feelings and happy memories of our 9 months together.
Most days are wonderful. Most days the things that trigger memories are good thoughts, and the painful ones are bearable. So I usually don’t pay much attention to what triggers my missing Him, but rather just accept grief when it comes and take a moments to sit with it. But sometimes the triggers are overwhelming as well.
My pack-n-play became a trigger this week as well. I see this pack -n- play all day long, it sits in my living room. It has become a regular fixture in the living room and it has never bothered me to use it for my nephew or any other visiting children. There are several of “Nathan’s” things that we currently use for our little visitors, and they never make me sad. Nathan was never brought home ,so He was never in any of them, so there is not a sentimental attachment to these objects. It actually makes me feel good to know that I can use them and not feel sad or guilty. The items that I do have attachment to, I have put up in His memory box.
But on this particular night I was overnight babysitting my nephew. We put the pack-n-play at the foot of the bed and I cried that cry. “The week knees cry”. I realized at that moment that we had not had the pack-n-play in that exact position since the night we went to go have Nathan. We had it set up waiting for our little man, who just simply didn’t come home. This was a trigger I wasn’t expecting. I see this pak-n-play everyday, but seeing it at the foot our bed let the floodgates open. I had to just sit on the edge of the bed and have a really good cry.
The last trigger I had recently was when we were moving our items into our new church building. All the little ones were going to be there “helping”. For a spilt second my mind deceived me and I thought “ Where am I going to keep Nathan while I am cleaning, so that He will……” and the second I thought it….I cried ….with the realization that Nathan is not here. I know that in my heart all the time, but sometimes it takes my mind a minute. Like they are off a few beats from each other sometimes. Because sometimes this feels like a very bad dream or a very good dream depending on which parts you focus on. But it feels like a dream all the same.
It is just so strange that he is not here, and while my friends are making plans for their little ones. I am not.
But I will say each of them help with this grief. They all embrace me with so much love, that I never feel baby less. I get to love their little ones and be a part of their everyday milestones. It has been such a blessing in a disaster. God knows how my heart will randomly ache and He provides friends like family, whose little ones are in need of a very special Aunt Sammy.
Triggers are different and hit at the most incontinent times. I am finding that when grief knocks your knees out. Simply sit with it for a while. Ignoring it is damaging. So I sit with it, and I have whatever cry I need. I also allow negativity in these moments. In these moments I yell all my “Why God Whys?” In these moments I second guess my progress. "Am I really doing as well as others say I am?" I shout all my imperfect curses towards Heaven. I even send up the most dreaded question , "was there something I could have done to make Nathan live?" I let it all fly up, whatever I need to purge, anything that is between the grief I am in and the place of peace I need to be in. I let it all go up and out, and I wait. I wait for minutes. I wait for days. Sometimes I wait for much longer .
And always while I am not looking, it finally comes back down to me. Peace beyond understanding. It always finds me right where I am. I never have to clean myself up for it’s arrival. God’s Grace simply finds me, and gives me the peace I need, right where I am, in His perfect time.
Most days are wonderful. Most days the things that trigger memories are good thoughts, and the painful ones are bearable. So I usually don’t pay much attention to what triggers my missing Him, but rather just accept grief when it comes and take a moments to sit with it. But sometimes the triggers are overwhelming as well.
My pack-n-play became a trigger this week as well. I see this pack -n- play all day long, it sits in my living room. It has become a regular fixture in the living room and it has never bothered me to use it for my nephew or any other visiting children. There are several of “Nathan’s” things that we currently use for our little visitors, and they never make me sad. Nathan was never brought home ,so He was never in any of them, so there is not a sentimental attachment to these objects. It actually makes me feel good to know that I can use them and not feel sad or guilty. The items that I do have attachment to, I have put up in His memory box.
But on this particular night I was overnight babysitting my nephew. We put the pack-n-play at the foot of the bed and I cried that cry. “The week knees cry”. I realized at that moment that we had not had the pack-n-play in that exact position since the night we went to go have Nathan. We had it set up waiting for our little man, who just simply didn’t come home. This was a trigger I wasn’t expecting. I see this pak-n-play everyday, but seeing it at the foot our bed let the floodgates open. I had to just sit on the edge of the bed and have a really good cry.
The last trigger I had recently was when we were moving our items into our new church building. All the little ones were going to be there “helping”. For a spilt second my mind deceived me and I thought “ Where am I going to keep Nathan while I am cleaning, so that He will……” and the second I thought it….I cried ….with the realization that Nathan is not here. I know that in my heart all the time, but sometimes it takes my mind a minute. Like they are off a few beats from each other sometimes. Because sometimes this feels like a very bad dream or a very good dream depending on which parts you focus on. But it feels like a dream all the same.
It is just so strange that he is not here, and while my friends are making plans for their little ones. I am not.
But I will say each of them help with this grief. They all embrace me with so much love, that I never feel baby less. I get to love their little ones and be a part of their everyday milestones. It has been such a blessing in a disaster. God knows how my heart will randomly ache and He provides friends like family, whose little ones are in need of a very special Aunt Sammy.
Triggers are different and hit at the most incontinent times. I am finding that when grief knocks your knees out. Simply sit with it for a while. Ignoring it is damaging. So I sit with it, and I have whatever cry I need. I also allow negativity in these moments. In these moments I yell all my “Why God Whys?” In these moments I second guess my progress. "Am I really doing as well as others say I am?" I shout all my imperfect curses towards Heaven. I even send up the most dreaded question , "was there something I could have done to make Nathan live?" I let it all fly up, whatever I need to purge, anything that is between the grief I am in and the place of peace I need to be in. I let it all go up and out, and I wait. I wait for minutes. I wait for days. Sometimes I wait for much longer .
And always while I am not looking, it finally comes back down to me. Peace beyond understanding. It always finds me right where I am. I never have to clean myself up for it’s arrival. God’s Grace simply finds me, and gives me the peace I need, right where I am, in His perfect time.
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