Oh Grief You Trickster

Grief is such a trickster. Let’s be honest I would use a much looser expletive, but this is a family friendly site. I Digress…..

The other night James and I went to a restaurant we had not been at before. We ran into our favorite server that we had not seen since I was very very pregnant. She had left another place we frequent right before, and did not know we had lost Nathan. She is a precious girl, and of course greeted us with the most excited “How is the baby?”

These moments are dreadful. Most of the time it is because James and I are concerned with how horrible the other person is going to feel. He or She feel awful for asking, but it is an honest question. How could they have imagined such a horrible ending to something so wonderful? So of course we told her and remained strong. We love talking about Nathan so as painful as the conversation is at first, it always ends up positive and uplifting.

You would think that with the above happening, and being able to talk about it openly, that I am very strong. I am actually not. I am quite weak. I just have a relationship with God and go to Him for strength. Most of the time I am fine around babies. Most of the time I see a pregnant woman and smile at the thought. But sometimes it hits me like a wave. Sometimes I simply fall right where I am.

I was in Wal-Mart just a few days after our restaurant encounter and heard a little baby crying at the other end of the store, and I lost it. I had to go into the bathroom and have a good solid cry. Here I was just a few days before telling my story full of smiles, and the next I am crying in the dog food isle.

There is just no way to predict when grief’s winds will blow your way. This makes me believe if grief had a gender she would be female. Let’s be honest ladies we can change our direction, mind, mood, appetite at a moments notice. Grief is an emotional wind that can suck you up at times. It helps me to give grief it’s due respect, but not give it control. I don’t know if that makes since or not. You have to spend your moments with grief. Never ignore her. It is healthy to cry when needed. It is healthy to be honest when you are not doing so well. But when grief gets out of hand remind her that this is your journey. God has your journey in His hands, and she can shake the boat all she wants. But it is still God’s boat.

My boat is not watertight. Sometimes it fills to the tip top. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am strong enough to tread water, and when I can’t anymore, God will pull me out or drain the water. Or maybe even do something more amazing. Either way I am not alone, and I don’t have to be strong all the time. I just have to be brave enough to try.