Triggers

This past Thursday we celebrated that Nathan would have been 7 months old . It always brings a smile to my face thinking about what He would be like at this point. The eighth of the month always triggers happy thoughts and very little tears for me. We really try to celebrate the day, talk about him, remember the life of kicks and bounces, focus on the fact that He was here and not that he is not here. The eighth day of the month triggers warm feelings and happy memories of our 9 months together.

Most days are wonderful. Most days the things that trigger memories are good thoughts, and the painful ones are bearable. So I usually don’t pay much attention to what triggers my missing Him, but rather just accept grief when it comes and take a moments to sit with it. But sometimes the triggers are overwhelming as well.

My pack-n-play became a trigger this week as well. I see this pack -n- play all day long, it sits in my living room. It has become a regular fixture in the living room and it has never bothered me to use it for my nephew or any other visiting children. There are several of “Nathan’s” things that we currently use for our little visitors, and they never make me sad. Nathan was never brought home ,so He was never in any of them, so there is not a sentimental attachment to these objects. It actually makes me feel good to know that I can use them and not feel sad or guilty. The items that I do have attachment to, I have put up in His memory box.


But on this particular night I was overnight babysitting my nephew. We put the pack-n-play at the foot of the bed and I cried that cry. “The week knees cry”. I realized at that moment that we had not had the pack-n-play in that exact position since the night we went to go have Nathan. We had it set up waiting for our little man, who just simply didn’t come home. This was a trigger I wasn’t expecting. I see this pak-n-play everyday, but seeing it at the foot our bed let the floodgates open. I had to just sit on the edge of the bed and have a really good cry.

The last trigger I had recently was when we were moving our items into our new church building. All the little ones were going to be there “helping”. For a spilt second my mind deceived me and I thought “ Where am I going to keep Nathan while I am cleaning, so that He will……” and the second I thought it….I cried ….with the realization that Nathan is not here. I know that in my heart all the time, but sometimes it takes my mind a minute. Like they are off a few beats from each other sometimes. Because sometimes this feels like a very bad dream or a very good dream depending on which parts you focus on. But it feels like a dream all the same.

It is just so strange that he is not here, and while my friends are making plans for their little ones. I am not.
But I will say each of them help with this grief. They all embrace me with so much love, that I never feel baby less. I get to love their little ones and be a part of their everyday milestones. It has been such a blessing in a disaster. God knows how my heart will randomly ache and He provides friends like family, whose little ones are in need of a very special Aunt Sammy.

Triggers are different and hit at the most incontinent times. I am finding that when grief knocks your knees out. Simply sit with it for a while. Ignoring it is damaging. So I sit with it, and I have whatever cry I need. I also allow negativity in these moments. In these moments I yell all my “Why God Whys?” In these moments I second guess my progress. "Am I really doing as well as others say I am?" I shout all my imperfect curses towards Heaven. I even send up the most dreaded question , "was there something I could have done to make Nathan live?" I let it all fly up, whatever I need to purge, anything that is between the grief I am in and the place of peace I need to be in. I let it all go up and out, and I wait. I wait for minutes. I wait for days. Sometimes I wait for much longer .
And always while I am not looking, it finally comes back down to me. Peace beyond understanding. It always finds me right where I am. I never have to clean myself up for it’s arrival. God’s Grace simply finds me, and gives me the peace I need, right where I am, in His perfect time.