We prefer to be by the water during our celebration. We tried it the first birthday and it was so relaxing that we choose it again this year. Water is so therapeutic. There is just something healing about the flow and sound of water. There seems to be a sense of timelessness, and the freedom of mind not to worry.
We had such a wonderful time both years and I find it heals me to be far from his grave on his birthday. I don't want to mourn over where his body resides, but rather praise where his spirit is. I want to celebrate his Life and not focus on his death. The darkness is just too overwhelming, and I refuse to let it overtake me. I want to focus on the joy Nathan still brings us. I want to spend quality time with my sweet James, and be thankful for the precious life we created,
When I was pregnant with Nathan I remember thinking how blessed I was. I remember thinking it was such a gift that I was going to be permitted to impact this little Life. It is only now that I see the roles are reversed and that Nathan is actually the one impacting my life. I thought I would teach Nathan how to change His little piece of the world, but it was Nathan who taught me how to change my world. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what great things he would have done? I wonder a lot about what he would be when he grew up? Would he have lived a life dedicated to his Faith? Would he love The LORD like I do? Or better yet love The LORD even more.
2 years have passed and as I sat on the beach a few weeks ago, I watched the sunset with James. I felt a huge wave of peace and realization. It suddenly became very clear the dreams of my pregnancy, the hoping of pending impact, the acknowledgement of such a gift, still impact my soul to this day. There are little pieces of Nathan all around us. Nathan is physical gone, but he remains proof of life and miracles. He remains proof of healing. and of peace.
Our most recent trip to the beach was awesome. Our favorite part was evening time. When the sun set we would start to see the bobbing of flashlights on the beach. Families were searching for nighttime treasures and baby sand crabs. The sound of giggles and flashlights bobbing was something we looked forward to each night. Dad's would catch their sand crab and the kids would cheer, that is until Daddy put it on one of their shoulders, and they would squeal and run away, Laughing the whole time. It was something we looked forward to each night. We enjoyed watching the families having fun and spending time all together.
At one point James asked me if "I thought we would have had fun like that with Nathan?"
After a long pause I said "Sometimes I imagine we are a family like they are, and we do fun things together like that" After an even longer pause, and the feel of the incoming tide on our toes, James Sweetly responded. "We are a family Baby".
It reminded me to be grateful. Sometimes there are families of two souls. Nevertheless , they are still as much a family as a family of more. Sometimes, most times actually, God's plan for our lives is unclear. But there can be moments similar to ours that night, when you know you feel complete, even if only for a moment. In that moment it is just the two of you, side by side is a beautiful way to soar. These moments I cherish. The moments when in confusion I can look to my Love and know we are meant to fly together.
"Yet those who wait (hope) for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary". Isaiah 40:31
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