Proof Of Life

A new year has begun. When I think back on my life, I imagine that the little girl I once was could never have imagined where I am now. Little me could not have imagined climbing such huge mountains. But climb I did, and not alone I might add.

The past few weeks have been building behind my eyes. It was a strange pressure that all at once was there and then was gone. It was like a gust of wind that comes and refreshes the landscape. I didn’t realize the pressure had passed until I was on the way to North Carolina to visit my folks. We were in the car and I was talking about the memory box I have containing Nathan’s things. In it is the blanket, hat, and gloves he wore, and they are beyond precious to me. I never travel without them. Even if just for a night, I carry at least one of these items. It has always made me feel closer to him.

So I am in the car talking about the box, and it hits me that I have forgotten them. I am three hours into the trip, we can’t turn back, I don’t have his blanket. I don’t have anything of his at all. My heart sinks and I tell James what I have done. He asks me how I feel about it. I take a deep breath and say “Well I am not sure. I guess it wasn’t an accident I forgot.” I am quiet for a few minutes and James holds my hand. We are both expecting me to cry and need to turn around to get it. But a strange thing happened.

I didn’t cry and I never asked that we turn around. I took deep breaths. I sat with a bit of pain, and thought. I thought that maybe our minds and our hearts misfire exactly when they are suppose to. Maybe this was my minds way of making me takes steps my heart wasn’t ready to take. Maybe this was just life’s natural progression.
It is natural to hold on to things most precious to us. It is natural to not like change at some capacity. I think the problem is when it turns into fear. Fear holds us back from what God has for us. What was I so afraid of? Did I think that if I didn’t take a physical part of Nathan, that he would be left behind? Did I think He would be forgotten? I thought about these two questions the rest of our car ride, and it is only a few weeks later that I have the answer.

It was not that I thought He would be left behind. It was not that I thought He would be forgotten. It was because I needed something tangible to prove Nathan was here. The closer I held his “things” the more it felt like I was holding Him. My memories of Him come in flashes. His blankets and pictures and such, are my proof that He was here. They prove that this was all real. I did have a baby. I did have a son. He was here and he was beautiful. I know these things in my heart of course. But often my mind flip flops in trying to make sense of it. It wasn’t until our car ride that I was forced to accept that I do not have to have anything of Nathans to be his mother. His blankets are not what binds us together. I felt that if I let go of his things I was letting go of Nathan too.

In the weeks since, I have noticed a shift in my spirit. Being Nathan’s mother is very important. But it is not all that is important. I am a Mother, but I am also a child of God. Meaning I have a journey to fulfill. A journey designed for me. Nathan and even the absence of Him is part of this journey. He is a miracle I can carry with me if I can stop over thinking everything about Him. If I let go of his blanket I am not letting go of Him. I am simply putting down things I cannot carry all the time. It is ok to look around a bit and change the scenery. Nathan will be right there with me even without the physical proof.

Stories are not told by the final chapter alone. Stories are a continuation of thoughts
One line at a time.
One step at a time.
One lesson at a time.
One breath at a time.
Nathan is never without my love. He is proof of love, no matter where he is. Nothing I will ever do will change His purpose. I don’t need to do things to prove He was here.
God breathed life into Nathan, and he continues to breathe life into Me, Nathan’s Momma. That is really all the proof I need.