Perspective

I don’t have to look too far in life to get some perspective. God always puts a certain person directly in my path just when I need reminding or reflection. Today I read the words of a friend of mine in regards to her precious little girl in Glory. Her story echoes what my heart speaks. Her understanding of it all somehow validated my hurt.

My father in law once told me that “the difference between pain and misery is the lack of growth”. Something about her precious words struck a chord. Something about it planted a seed of healing and I believe the gap between pain and misery is a bit smaller today. It wasn’t any one thing. Perhaps it is because she has such a sweet spirit, despite her loss, and I hope to be like that. I hope to be a beacon for others. I hope that others look at me, despite my loss, and see my faith in action.
Each night, like clockwork, I have flashes of my hospital stay. It hits me as soon as I turn the light off and close my eyes. I can feel each sting like it is still happening. I can see each color that I focused on. It is an extra sensory thing I pray one day dulls. I pray one day I will close my eyes to sleep and I will just drift off without painful memories.

Today as I read her words something struck me that I think may help with that, and maybe even help my dear readers. She wrote of her sweet baby girl… “this one precious little soul has brought all of these people together to worship, God was Present”….. I had forgotten that part. I had forgotten that from the moment we learned Nathan had passed, we were surrounded by believers. It started with our first nurse, and ended with the nurse who helped me to the car. There was not one person caring for me that was not a believer. Even my visitors commented on the spirit in the room. God was indeed present, even in our agony. There was so much love and peace in our room despite Nathan’s absence. We could all feel it. Even the few nonbelievers in my close circle could feel it. This presence changed us. This presence sustained us, and still does.

How could I forget this? Perhaps this will be the key to my sleepless nights. When those flashes come..because they will…to remember those moments of God’s presence instead. To remember those moments when God used Nathan’s life for such a purpose as worship. To remember how we all cried, and laughed at the same time. To remember the scriptures being brought to life, and the faith that was in motion. To remember all of this is a blessing. The fact that I have peaceful memories when I choose to train my brain to search for them is a gift.
Isn’t it just like the enemy to only remind us of the pain? Isn’t it just like him to poke and prod us with the loss? Isn’t it just like him to distract us from the glory that was and is still surrounding us? Sometimes I am so focused on trying to breathe, I overlook that God has not forgotten how to breathe for me. Sometimes I am so focused on trying to gain understanding, I forget there is peace beyond it.

Lord,
Thank you for giving me perspective. Thank You for using my sweet friends and family to get my attention when I ignore you. I am sorry for ceasing to Praise you for a moment. Thank You for your sovereignty and for never ever abandoning me. Thank You for working in our waiting. Thank You for building a bridge to you, and for allowing Nathan to cross it. Thank you that I not only get to cross it one day too, but that I will see our precious Nathan there. We will praise you together, and I will see with new sight.