Christmas

Ahhhh Christmas Time. "It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" It should be shouldn't it?

It is the time when we celebrate Jesus's Birth. It is when we celebrate that He came to us. All the while knowing that He would die for us. What a pure love Jesus has for us. To come here, to walk in our proverbial shoes, to feel our humanness, never sinning, but knowing our struggle with sin.

Oh how I miss Nathan. I was so looking forward to His first Christmas. I was so excited to tell Him about Baby Jesus. I wanted to see that twinkle in his eyes.

Nathan,

You are so lucky to get to hang out with The Lord. I wonder everyday what you are doing with Him? I wonder how it feels for you? I wonder what the word is to describe what Jesus's presence is like for You? I wonder if your chubby little fingers fit perfectly in Jesus's hands? Do you know how special you are? You have belonged to God from the very first moment. Maybe that is why you are with Him now. It is hard for Mommy to know that because you were God's to give, you were His to take. When I am sad I am not sad for you. I am only sad because I love you so very much and want to hug you and kiss you again. But I am reminded that you get plenty of hugs and kisses where you are. So today I will try not to be so sad. I will do that for you and one day there will be no more tears for Mommy. Jesus will hug and kiss me too, and I will know the answers to all those questions, and I will get to hold your chubby hands again. They were the most beautiful hands I've ever seen.

Lord,

I am waiting here for you. I know that in the stillness of my grief you are there. Help me to know peace beyond understanding. Thank you for coming to me where I am and not making me search for you. Thank you for your birth and for walking my walk before me. Help me with my steps... actually strike that.... please be my feet instead.