Mercies in Disguise?

So Christmas has come and gone........

I anticipated the pain this year. It was like the smell of rain in the breeze right before a storm. My family and I planned a quiet Christmas, knowing how difficult this year would be. Everyone in attendance was very encouraging and sensitive to our feelings. There were two little one's in attendance and it was bitter sweet watching them both tear at the wrapping. Sweet because I adore them both and their sweet little faces brought smiles and laughter to the room. Bitter because I couldn't help but whisper to myself "There should have been one more little one, Nathan should be here too." There were moments when it hurt horribly, but then one of them would giggle or smile up at me and somehow that sweetness wrapped around me and made it all O.K.

I expected the pain. Prepared for it the best I could. I guarded against the darkness with prayer, and kind of sat and waited for the grief to knock me over. But a funny thing happened. I felt the grief, I was aware of it, I even shed a few tears, but it did not knock me over.

Grief is such a strange beast. I am not sure what is worse. The moments when missing Nathan hits me suddenly all at once taking my breath away, or how it becomes almost an extension of my consciousness and I carry it. Knowing it is there but somehow being use to it. Sort of like a dull headache that lingers behind your eyes all day, but you still manage.

Which is worse? Not knowing when the pain is coming, or accepting when it lingers. Is accepting it part of moving forward or will that hold me back. Can you live with such a loss and truly live?

Laura Story sings a song called "Blessings" she sings "Pain reminds this heart that this is not our home" This Aching is only temporary. It may never end this side of heaven, but for me it will end someday. Perhaps the pain of missing Nathan is a mercy in disguise? Perhaps it is such a part of something so much bigger? Perhaps this trial is meant to reveal God? God has always been faithful to me, so why do I struggle with Him allowing Nathan's death for His Purpose. Perhaps something glorious?

If I believe Nathan was a gift from god, that even being the literal meaning of his name, then I have to also believe that if He was God's than he was God's to take. That being a hard pill to swallow does not make it untrue. If I am to believe what I believe then I have to believe it all. The Good, the bad, and the tragic. I have to accept it all, and know that it is all temporary. It will not last forever, but Nathan will. In Christ Nathan lives and because I believe so will I. That holds me. That keeps me. That is truth.

Dear God,

Thank you for Truth. It holds it all together. Mainly me.