Trust In Me Now?

Thank you Mom for giving me wise counsel. Thank you for the honest conversation that inspired this honest blog.


Do I trust in God?
Do I trust in Him when He is all I have left?
Do I trust Him when I can’t feel Him? I have to be honest…Sometimes I fear that I only trust Him in theory.
To set it straight …I believe that every word of His Holy Word is divinely accurate. Even when I struggle with the meanings and my own interpretations. I trust that He is who He says He is. I Trust that He is The Great I Am. I Trust that He is my Creator.
I want to trust Him completely, in every area of my life. But some time after Nathan died I started to fear that I only trust Him in theory. Can this be right? Can I be holding back and choosing what and when I Trust God?

Recently I when to Nathan’s Grave. I went with my Husband on a beautiful evening. We sat for a while and I just could not hold back the tears. I shook my head at Heaven and cried “Why God? Why?” “How do I let Him Go?” “ How do I move forward Lord without leaving Him behind?” ‘What do you want for me?” “Will Nathan ever know how much we wanted Him?” “Will he ever know how much I ache for him?” “What do I do next” It was one of those waves of grief where I just wanted to pull up a pillow and sleep right there on the cold ground next to Nathan. One of those nights where James had to sweetly pick me up and force me to leave. That is always the hardest part. Knowing when to leave, knowing when to let go.

This is what I mean by trusting in theory. I am crying out to the right One. I am trusting that He hears my pleas. I am trusting that He has the answers. I am trusting that He knows the way. But I lack faith enough to just let Him lead me without Him telling me what our next move will be. I trust Him to Lead, but I struggle with side seat driving. How can I walk by faith if I feel I need the directions in advance? How can I trust that God knows the way when I desperately want Him to tell me our next move?

Other’s before me have asked God why?
J Randall O’Brien PhD. (President and Professor at Carson-Newman College) wrote the following in a wonderful book titled Assaulted by Grief: finding God in the Broken Places
Jeremiah certainly asked, “Why?” Habakkuk asked, “Why?” So did the Psalmist. Job asked God “Why?” five times in chapter 3 alone, Even Jesus cried out from the cross “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”……..it was precisely because they enjoyed such an intensely intimate relationship with their heavenly Father that each felt the freedom to express His true feelings…..Our Lord welcomes honest conversation, which is true prayer. If it were a sin to ask God, “Why” our Savior would not be sinless.

I love this excerpt because I am learning to Trust God with Nathan. Meaning his life, his death, and the life I am left to live. On those days when I shout a thousand “Why’s?” the excerpt above helps remind me that I am not sinning against God by questioning Him. Who else do you talk to about God? Except for God Himself.

Now for the sake of confusion. I know that the Bible clearly warns about how the clay should not ask the potter why He has made him this way. But for the strugglers out there such as myslef.. what a comfort to at least know that I am not a horrible sinner for doing so. And that God in all His Grace even allows me to do so.

Trusting God is sometimes a process, and it has to be an honest conversation you have with Him. You have to admit you are lacking trust. You have to go to the God you are not trusting, and ask Him to show you that trust. It is a full circle of emotion and it all starts with being Honest. Honesty with God is the start of it all. For I trust that he knows my heart through and through. I admit that I need a refresher course in trusting God, but at least I am honest about it. And so the dialog between Him and I has begun again. I am trying not to speak so much this time. I am really really trying.

Thank You Lord for allowing my to try and try again. Thank You for endless chances at the same things. Thank you for speaking to me in the silence. Can you teach me how to trust you properly.?
I trust you know how difficult I can be. Thank you for the whispered discipline. I trust that I need you. Desperately.
I trust you are the only One True God. Can we start there for today? I love you …I trust you knew that before time began .