A Grief Observed

I wish I could take credit for the title of this blog. But I just finished a short book written by C.S. Lewis titled A Grief Observed. I highly recommend this book with a small disclaimer.

First, it is written in a very, how shall I put it?, a very "Smart" style. I had to look up a few words in the dictionary myself. So don't feel bad if you have to read a few sentences over again like I did. He was a theologian after all.

Second, it is a very powerful book. He writes openly. He writes those things we think, but never say out loud, somehow thinking we can hide our true feelings from our creator. It is powerful reading his anger, and questions, and uncertainty, and relating to them in such a raw way. It is even more powerful coming to terms with the acceptance He finds in the end. He bounces back and forth in the stages of grief, and helped me to feel "normal" for also feeling this way. It helped guide me to a different place.

Not to say that I am O.K. with such a loss as Nathan. Not to say I do not have my moments of anger. And certainly not to say that in my anguish I have not screamed to Heaven, desperate for God to send Nathan back to us. But I will say that this book brought about things I was not even aware I needed to come to terms with. Feelings I am holding onto because I think they bring me closer to Nathan. When in reality they only make Him seem further away.

Who told me that the harder I cry the better Mother I am? Who told me that there is shame in me getting better? Who told me that there is shame in laughing? God never told me such things. Ahhhh it is "The Enemy"of course.

He deceives me by leading me to believe that by moving forward I love Nathan less. His lies lead me to think that without my baby here I am no longer a mother. He shames me into thinking that my body is tainted and useless and lead to Nathan's death. He attacks me daily in the hope that I will turn and attack myself. But I think he underestimates MY GOD.

I am not strong enough. I am desperate. I am weak. I am scared. But I am also tapped into the power of the one true GOD. Nothing can separate me from Him. So perhaps Mr. Enemy you should realize you are wasting your time. You may knock me down, maybe even several times, but i am going to keep getting back up. I am not going to curse God or quit believing in His plan for my life. You are not going to make me turn my back on my creator. I will doubt myself, that is true, but My God will show me the truth. My God never lies. My God never leaves me. I will be sad, but My God will embrace me.

Simply put I am learning that the harder I fight the enemy, and the less I mourn Nathan, the closer He is to me. I am His mother no matter where he is. He was born in Glory, but that does not take away that he lived for 9 months within me. My son is with God, and yet he is still my son.

"The aching may remain, but the breaking does not"-Andrew Peterson