This time 5 months ago I said hello and goodbye to Nathan. Shalom sweet angel.
From the moment we learned Nathan had left us I felt God’s presence roll over me like a fog. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I felt only what I can describe as a “Peace Blanket”. I will never forget how God revealed Himself to me that night. He revealed Himself to me just like He has done for many before me. This was my burning bush moment. A moment where I could not deny Him. It was a supernatural experience that I cherish. As painful as not having Nathan is…And hear me out on this… I would not trade him being here for God revealing Himself to me. Don’t misunderstand me. I want my son here. I ache for his chubby fingers to wrap around mine. But that horrible night I really, really met God. I felt to my core what i have believed all these years. God revealed Himself to me despite my cries to take my life instead. God revealed Himself to me? Stubborn, broken, full of yuck… me?
Audrey Assad & Chris Tomlin sing a song called “Winter Snow” This song is written to describe how Jesus could have come to us any way he wanted. He could have come to us in a grand display, but he came more softly. They sing…..
You could’ve come like a mighty storm, with all of the strength of a hurricane.
You could’ve come like a forest fire. With the power of Heaven in your flame.
But you came like a winter snow. Quiet. Soft. And Slow.
Falling from the sky. In the night. To the earth below.
I heard this song the other day, and it brought me to tears. I relate to it differently then the way they intended because this is how I felt that night. God could have saved Nathan’s life. Even the next morning, as he was delivered, he could have breathed life into Nathan. He could have shown His power in a grand display, but instead he came to us quietly like a fog, and covered me in a “Peace Blanket”.
I don’t pray to a God that I created. I pray to a God that created me. He is not sitting around waiting on my instruction. He is not going to do what I want , but He is always going to answer. Mom has told us for years that “God has three answers. Yes. No. And Wait”
That night God said “No” when I begged. He said “No” when my sister was face on the floor begging. He said “No” to my husband who begged at my bedside. . but He said “Yes” when others prayed for our comfort.
I don’t pray because it necessarily changes the outcome. I pray because it changes me. It changes how I see things. It allows me a glimpse of God and how He sees things. I pray because it unleashes the power of God in my heart. Prayer does not mean I get what I choose. God is going to do what is in His will to do, what He has had planned from the beginning of creation. Prayer does not change God but it does change things.
Prayer will not bring Nathan back from the grave. It does however, take away the darkness of his grave.
Thank You Lord for not leaving me. Thank you for prayer. My Hope is in You.
From the moment we learned Nathan had left us I felt God’s presence roll over me like a fog. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I felt only what I can describe as a “Peace Blanket”. I will never forget how God revealed Himself to me that night. He revealed Himself to me just like He has done for many before me. This was my burning bush moment. A moment where I could not deny Him. It was a supernatural experience that I cherish. As painful as not having Nathan is…And hear me out on this… I would not trade him being here for God revealing Himself to me. Don’t misunderstand me. I want my son here. I ache for his chubby fingers to wrap around mine. But that horrible night I really, really met God. I felt to my core what i have believed all these years. God revealed Himself to me despite my cries to take my life instead. God revealed Himself to me? Stubborn, broken, full of yuck… me?
Audrey Assad & Chris Tomlin sing a song called “Winter Snow” This song is written to describe how Jesus could have come to us any way he wanted. He could have come to us in a grand display, but he came more softly. They sing…..
You could’ve come like a mighty storm, with all of the strength of a hurricane.
You could’ve come like a forest fire. With the power of Heaven in your flame.
But you came like a winter snow. Quiet. Soft. And Slow.
Falling from the sky. In the night. To the earth below.
I heard this song the other day, and it brought me to tears. I relate to it differently then the way they intended because this is how I felt that night. God could have saved Nathan’s life. Even the next morning, as he was delivered, he could have breathed life into Nathan. He could have shown His power in a grand display, but instead he came to us quietly like a fog, and covered me in a “Peace Blanket”.
I don’t pray to a God that I created. I pray to a God that created me. He is not sitting around waiting on my instruction. He is not going to do what I want , but He is always going to answer. Mom has told us for years that “God has three answers. Yes. No. And Wait”
That night God said “No” when I begged. He said “No” when my sister was face on the floor begging. He said “No” to my husband who begged at my bedside. . but He said “Yes” when others prayed for our comfort.
I don’t pray because it necessarily changes the outcome. I pray because it changes me. It changes how I see things. It allows me a glimpse of God and how He sees things. I pray because it unleashes the power of God in my heart. Prayer does not mean I get what I choose. God is going to do what is in His will to do, what He has had planned from the beginning of creation. Prayer does not change God but it does change things.
Prayer will not bring Nathan back from the grave. It does however, take away the darkness of his grave.
Thank You Lord for not leaving me. Thank you for prayer. My Hope is in You.
It's amazing how our whole lives we've heard sermons, lessons, prayers about "peace that surpasses all understanding"...but it isn't until we experienced the heartache and aching that we truly learned what that means. God is so faithful and the Holy Spirit gives us peace that could not come from anywhere else except the love of our Savior. You need to check out Kari Jobe's album -- seriously, it is amazing and her lyrics are nothing less than anointed. Better yet, I'll make you a copy of mine. :)
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