What is normal anyway?

Today was not a bad day. I had one moment while I was vacuuming, but was able to carry on. So that is a pretty good day for me.

It was one of those moments where Nathan's absence hit me all at once. Most of the time I carry missing him like a horrible headache. It is something I carry all day, I am aware of it, but am able to function.

So I was vacuuming, and for a split second I wondered if the vacuum would wake Nathan up? Isn't that a wild thought? I know he is not here, but it is like my mind forgot for a moment, and regarded him as present. As if he was just in another room or something. The rude awakening of reality snapped my knees a little, and I immediately corrected my thoughts to think "I wonder if the vacuum would have woken Nathan up if he was here".

It is strange. Sometimes it is like a dream. Like this didn't really happen. Like I am watching a horrible movie. But Alas it is true, and I know I am not "Crazy" for these moments when my mind plays with what my heart knows is missing.
These moments actually make me feel as "normal" as possible. It is quite normal for a mother to think of her child. It is quite normal for me to regard Nathan. To wonder about what he would be doing, or how things would affect him. And even those split seconds of confusion are normal too.
The fact that I can bounce back from these moments is proof of my progress.

I am not even sure what normal is anyway. You can't put this loss in a box or any other loss for that matter. What works for me may not work for someone else, and vice a versa. My grief is not the same as anyone Else's even if the situations are the same. The only thing I know for sure about Grief is that it does not discriminate. It hits anyone at anytime. It does not care who you are or what you have done. Good or bad. No one person stands out.

Those of us on the road of loss can only give each other landmarks as a guide because our maps are all different. They have to be because our destinations are not the same. Up or Down? Left or right? It is all confusion really, and in the end the fact that none of us know the way alone helps me feel more normal. There isn't a short cut I am missing. Others feel the way I do.
And while confusion exists...at least we are not alone, and if we believe I think we will find that Jesus provides excellent maps and even shelter on the road. He was a Carpenter after all.