Sunday Nathan would have been 8 Months old. It was a very difficult day. But today, the next day, marked the anniversary of the first time I felt Nathan move. So today I choose to replace the sadness with the happiness I felt with every little thump.
Today I was in the car and had to pull over when I heard this amazing song written and performed by Mercy Me (The Hurt and The Healer).
It speaks words that are in my heart. It speaks them louder than I can. Sometimes the power of a song is so great it leaves me speechless. This song did that for me today. All I could do was clutch my chest and cry healing tears. I am not alone.
It speaks of when "Glory meets our suffering". When "The Hurt and Healer collide". How powerful this is. That the Creator of it all, meets me in my pain. He meets me in my mess and does not scold me for my weakness. He collides with the ugliness and pain of this world and molds it into something worthy of praise.
Lord,
You are my healer. Thank you for your life, and for breathing life back into me today. You never forget me. You knew I needed you before I did. I am humbled by your love. "Deuces God, Deuces"
Monday, April 9, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Angel On Loan
A Child Loaned
by Edgar Guest
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she's dead.
"It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for me?
"She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
"I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
"I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane,
I have selected you.
"Now, will you give her all your love,
And not think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call
And take her back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
"We'll shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may.
And for the happiness we know,
Forever grateful stay.
"But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
by Edgar Guest
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she's dead.
"It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for me?
"She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
"I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
"I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane,
I have selected you.
"Now, will you give her all your love,
And not think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call
And take her back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
"We'll shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may.
And for the happiness we know,
Forever grateful stay.
"But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Oh Grief You Trickster
Grief is such a trickster. Let’s be honest I would use a much looser expletive, but this is a family friendly site. I Digress…..
The other night James and I went to a restaurant we had not been at before. We ran into our favorite server that we had not seen since I was very very pregnant. She had left another place we frequent right before, and did not know we had lost Nathan. She is a precious girl, and of course greeted us with the most excited “How is the baby?”
These moments are dreadful. Most of the time it is because James and I are concerned with how horrible the other person is going to feel. He or She feel awful for asking, but it is an honest question. How could they have imagined such a horrible ending to something so wonderful? So of course we told her and remained strong. We love talking about Nathan so as painful as the conversation is at first, it always ends up positive and uplifting.
You would think that with the above happening, and being able to talk about it openly, that I am very strong. I am actually not. I am quite weak. I just have a relationship with God and go to Him for strength. Most of the time I am fine around babies. Most of the time I see a pregnant woman and smile at the thought. But sometimes it hits me like a wave. Sometimes I simply fall right where I am.
I was in Wal-Mart just a few days after our restaurant encounter and heard a little baby crying at the other end of the store, and I lost it. I had to go into the bathroom and have a good solid cry. Here I was just a few days before telling my story full of smiles, and the next I am crying in the dog food isle.
There is just no way to predict when grief’s winds will blow your way. This makes me believe if grief had a gender she would be female. Let’s be honest ladies we can change our direction, mind, mood, appetite at a moments notice. Grief is an emotional wind that can suck you up at times. It helps me to give grief it’s due respect, but not give it control. I don’t know if that makes since or not. You have to spend your moments with grief. Never ignore her. It is healthy to cry when needed. It is healthy to be honest when you are not doing so well. But when grief gets out of hand remind her that this is your journey. God has your journey in His hands, and she can shake the boat all she wants. But it is still God’s boat.
My boat is not watertight. Sometimes it fills to the tip top. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am strong enough to tread water, and when I can’t anymore, God will pull me out or drain the water. Or maybe even do something more amazing. Either way I am not alone, and I don’t have to be strong all the time. I just have to be brave enough to try.
The other night James and I went to a restaurant we had not been at before. We ran into our favorite server that we had not seen since I was very very pregnant. She had left another place we frequent right before, and did not know we had lost Nathan. She is a precious girl, and of course greeted us with the most excited “How is the baby?”
These moments are dreadful. Most of the time it is because James and I are concerned with how horrible the other person is going to feel. He or She feel awful for asking, but it is an honest question. How could they have imagined such a horrible ending to something so wonderful? So of course we told her and remained strong. We love talking about Nathan so as painful as the conversation is at first, it always ends up positive and uplifting.
You would think that with the above happening, and being able to talk about it openly, that I am very strong. I am actually not. I am quite weak. I just have a relationship with God and go to Him for strength. Most of the time I am fine around babies. Most of the time I see a pregnant woman and smile at the thought. But sometimes it hits me like a wave. Sometimes I simply fall right where I am.
I was in Wal-Mart just a few days after our restaurant encounter and heard a little baby crying at the other end of the store, and I lost it. I had to go into the bathroom and have a good solid cry. Here I was just a few days before telling my story full of smiles, and the next I am crying in the dog food isle.
There is just no way to predict when grief’s winds will blow your way. This makes me believe if grief had a gender she would be female. Let’s be honest ladies we can change our direction, mind, mood, appetite at a moments notice. Grief is an emotional wind that can suck you up at times. It helps me to give grief it’s due respect, but not give it control. I don’t know if that makes since or not. You have to spend your moments with grief. Never ignore her. It is healthy to cry when needed. It is healthy to be honest when you are not doing so well. But when grief gets out of hand remind her that this is your journey. God has your journey in His hands, and she can shake the boat all she wants. But it is still God’s boat.
My boat is not watertight. Sometimes it fills to the tip top. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am strong enough to tread water, and when I can’t anymore, God will pull me out or drain the water. Or maybe even do something more amazing. Either way I am not alone, and I don’t have to be strong all the time. I just have to be brave enough to try.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thank You
Thank You God for moving mountains.....Even if You choose to move them just one inch at a time :)
Monday, March 19, 2012
Greeting Grief
Grief is such an unexpected house quest. Whether you hate your grief or embrace your grief doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it has showed up at your doorstep and you have a choice to make.
“Do I slam the door in it’s face and try to ignore it? Possibly even run out the back door? “ Or “Do I welcome it in and offer it to stay for coffee? Possibly for a short visit that will no doubt be the entire length of my favorite T.V. show? “
At some point, to avoid insanity, you have to make a choice. Run from the grief or embrace it?
A few weeks after we lost Nathan a sweet woman who works at our bank heard our story and she opened up about also loosing a son many years ago. She told me that yes it is difficult to go forward. But it is possible. It is a choice. You can choose to let the grief overcome you. To live life only a shell of who you once were. To live a life void of God’s blessings because your heart is full of regret and anger.
She expressed the flip side as well. Or you can embrace it and take a journey with it. See what God has for you on the other side of this trial. And gain a peace beyond understanding. You will never move on but you can move forward
She too is a believer and I could immediately feel her sweet spirit as she was speaking with James and I. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. While the world was spinning around us there was just the three of us. And she took valuable time to minister to a couple that needed to see her courage, we needed to be reminded that the power of God can still be found in dark places, and actually that is where the power of God shines the brightest.
I have carried these words with me thought the past 7 months. At the beginning we all were very afraid of which option I would choose, I had to choose one way to greet my grief. Ignoring it is not an option and it only leads to insanity. So with much prayer and the prayers of my amazing support system I choose and am able to embrace grief.
I open the door to grief when I feel it knocking. I am finding that if I am almost welcoming to it, the bad times are less frequent and the sting is a little less harsh each time.
But sometimes grief sneaks in the back door and knocks my knees completely out from under me. Expecting me to fall so far I won’t even try to get back up.
So I sit with it for a minute giving it some attention. I say good morning grief and then I tell it what we will be doing today. Grief we are going to get out of bed, take a shower, enjoy some coffee, talk to the lord, see what I need to be doing today and at some point I would like to get a nap in.
I am only able to do this because God has given me power through Him. Sometimes grief leaves quickly and sometimes it lingers. However it knows that it isn’t allowed to overcome me. Even grief must know it’s place in Gods plan. There will be pain. Grief will be part of it, but only within My God’s boundaries.
Thursday evening I was remembering Nathan’s features.
I could remember his dark hair, button nose, chubby hands, his broad shoulders.
But was very saddened because I could not remember if his eyebrows were light or dark? Or what his feet looked liked? Grief shot me out of bed and I had to get out Nathan’s memory box. I looked through all the photos and was frantically trying to find just one picture of his feet. I could never find one.
I was able to see that his eyebrows were lighter than his hair, and I had to accept that some memories just are not going to be so easy to recall. I have to accept that I won’t have pictures of every little thing.
I sat with grief for a bit that night. I had a good cry, but it was on my terms.
The fear of forgetting Nathan’s features is something I struggle with.
I simply have to see Him in my mind because memories are all I have left of Him. When you have no tangible evidence of your baby . You need your memories to be clear.
That is how you see them and bond with them. That is how you respect that they were once a living individual and not just something you held in your dreams.
I am glad that God sets boundaries even on grief. Almost as if it is there to serve me, by keeping me focused. If I stay focused I have the power to overcome. Grief can sometimes be useful. It can serve as a reminder that we are still in this place but we are in control of how we choose to meet the circumstances in this place. Pain reminds us that this is not our home.
“Do I slam the door in it’s face and try to ignore it? Possibly even run out the back door? “ Or “Do I welcome it in and offer it to stay for coffee? Possibly for a short visit that will no doubt be the entire length of my favorite T.V. show? “
At some point, to avoid insanity, you have to make a choice. Run from the grief or embrace it?
A few weeks after we lost Nathan a sweet woman who works at our bank heard our story and she opened up about also loosing a son many years ago. She told me that yes it is difficult to go forward. But it is possible. It is a choice. You can choose to let the grief overcome you. To live life only a shell of who you once were. To live a life void of God’s blessings because your heart is full of regret and anger.
She expressed the flip side as well. Or you can embrace it and take a journey with it. See what God has for you on the other side of this trial. And gain a peace beyond understanding. You will never move on but you can move forward
She too is a believer and I could immediately feel her sweet spirit as she was speaking with James and I. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear at that exact moment. While the world was spinning around us there was just the three of us. And she took valuable time to minister to a couple that needed to see her courage, we needed to be reminded that the power of God can still be found in dark places, and actually that is where the power of God shines the brightest.
I have carried these words with me thought the past 7 months. At the beginning we all were very afraid of which option I would choose, I had to choose one way to greet my grief. Ignoring it is not an option and it only leads to insanity. So with much prayer and the prayers of my amazing support system I choose and am able to embrace grief.
I open the door to grief when I feel it knocking. I am finding that if I am almost welcoming to it, the bad times are less frequent and the sting is a little less harsh each time.
But sometimes grief sneaks in the back door and knocks my knees completely out from under me. Expecting me to fall so far I won’t even try to get back up.
So I sit with it for a minute giving it some attention. I say good morning grief and then I tell it what we will be doing today. Grief we are going to get out of bed, take a shower, enjoy some coffee, talk to the lord, see what I need to be doing today and at some point I would like to get a nap in.
I am only able to do this because God has given me power through Him. Sometimes grief leaves quickly and sometimes it lingers. However it knows that it isn’t allowed to overcome me. Even grief must know it’s place in Gods plan. There will be pain. Grief will be part of it, but only within My God’s boundaries.
Thursday evening I was remembering Nathan’s features.
I could remember his dark hair, button nose, chubby hands, his broad shoulders.
But was very saddened because I could not remember if his eyebrows were light or dark? Or what his feet looked liked? Grief shot me out of bed and I had to get out Nathan’s memory box. I looked through all the photos and was frantically trying to find just one picture of his feet. I could never find one.
I was able to see that his eyebrows were lighter than his hair, and I had to accept that some memories just are not going to be so easy to recall. I have to accept that I won’t have pictures of every little thing.
I sat with grief for a bit that night. I had a good cry, but it was on my terms.
The fear of forgetting Nathan’s features is something I struggle with.
I simply have to see Him in my mind because memories are all I have left of Him. When you have no tangible evidence of your baby . You need your memories to be clear.
That is how you see them and bond with them. That is how you respect that they were once a living individual and not just something you held in your dreams.
I am glad that God sets boundaries even on grief. Almost as if it is there to serve me, by keeping me focused. If I stay focused I have the power to overcome. Grief can sometimes be useful. It can serve as a reminder that we are still in this place but we are in control of how we choose to meet the circumstances in this place. Pain reminds us that this is not our home.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Triggers
This past Thursday we celebrated that Nathan would have been 7 months old . It always brings a smile to my face thinking about what He would be like at this point. The eighth of the month always triggers happy thoughts and very little tears for me. We really try to celebrate the day, talk about him, remember the life of kicks and bounces, focus on the fact that He was here and not that he is not here. The eighth day of the month triggers warm feelings and happy memories of our 9 months together.
Most days are wonderful. Most days the things that trigger memories are good thoughts, and the painful ones are bearable. So I usually don’t pay much attention to what triggers my missing Him, but rather just accept grief when it comes and take a moments to sit with it. But sometimes the triggers are overwhelming as well.
My pack-n-play became a trigger this week as well. I see this pack -n- play all day long, it sits in my living room. It has become a regular fixture in the living room and it has never bothered me to use it for my nephew or any other visiting children. There are several of “Nathan’s” things that we currently use for our little visitors, and they never make me sad. Nathan was never brought home ,so He was never in any of them, so there is not a sentimental attachment to these objects. It actually makes me feel good to know that I can use them and not feel sad or guilty. The items that I do have attachment to, I have put up in His memory box.
But on this particular night I was overnight babysitting my nephew. We put the pack-n-play at the foot of the bed and I cried that cry. “The week knees cry”. I realized at that moment that we had not had the pack-n-play in that exact position since the night we went to go have Nathan. We had it set up waiting for our little man, who just simply didn’t come home. This was a trigger I wasn’t expecting. I see this pak-n-play everyday, but seeing it at the foot our bed let the floodgates open. I had to just sit on the edge of the bed and have a really good cry.
The last trigger I had recently was when we were moving our items into our new church building. All the little ones were going to be there “helping”. For a spilt second my mind deceived me and I thought “ Where am I going to keep Nathan while I am cleaning, so that He will……” and the second I thought it….I cried ….with the realization that Nathan is not here. I know that in my heart all the time, but sometimes it takes my mind a minute. Like they are off a few beats from each other sometimes. Because sometimes this feels like a very bad dream or a very good dream depending on which parts you focus on. But it feels like a dream all the same.
It is just so strange that he is not here, and while my friends are making plans for their little ones. I am not.
But I will say each of them help with this grief. They all embrace me with so much love, that I never feel baby less. I get to love their little ones and be a part of their everyday milestones. It has been such a blessing in a disaster. God knows how my heart will randomly ache and He provides friends like family, whose little ones are in need of a very special Aunt Sammy.
Triggers are different and hit at the most incontinent times. I am finding that when grief knocks your knees out. Simply sit with it for a while. Ignoring it is damaging. So I sit with it, and I have whatever cry I need. I also allow negativity in these moments. In these moments I yell all my “Why God Whys?” In these moments I second guess my progress. "Am I really doing as well as others say I am?" I shout all my imperfect curses towards Heaven. I even send up the most dreaded question , "was there something I could have done to make Nathan live?" I let it all fly up, whatever I need to purge, anything that is between the grief I am in and the place of peace I need to be in. I let it all go up and out, and I wait. I wait for minutes. I wait for days. Sometimes I wait for much longer .
And always while I am not looking, it finally comes back down to me. Peace beyond understanding. It always finds me right where I am. I never have to clean myself up for it’s arrival. God’s Grace simply finds me, and gives me the peace I need, right where I am, in His perfect time.
Most days are wonderful. Most days the things that trigger memories are good thoughts, and the painful ones are bearable. So I usually don’t pay much attention to what triggers my missing Him, but rather just accept grief when it comes and take a moments to sit with it. But sometimes the triggers are overwhelming as well.
My pack-n-play became a trigger this week as well. I see this pack -n- play all day long, it sits in my living room. It has become a regular fixture in the living room and it has never bothered me to use it for my nephew or any other visiting children. There are several of “Nathan’s” things that we currently use for our little visitors, and they never make me sad. Nathan was never brought home ,so He was never in any of them, so there is not a sentimental attachment to these objects. It actually makes me feel good to know that I can use them and not feel sad or guilty. The items that I do have attachment to, I have put up in His memory box.
But on this particular night I was overnight babysitting my nephew. We put the pack-n-play at the foot of the bed and I cried that cry. “The week knees cry”. I realized at that moment that we had not had the pack-n-play in that exact position since the night we went to go have Nathan. We had it set up waiting for our little man, who just simply didn’t come home. This was a trigger I wasn’t expecting. I see this pak-n-play everyday, but seeing it at the foot our bed let the floodgates open. I had to just sit on the edge of the bed and have a really good cry.
The last trigger I had recently was when we were moving our items into our new church building. All the little ones were going to be there “helping”. For a spilt second my mind deceived me and I thought “ Where am I going to keep Nathan while I am cleaning, so that He will……” and the second I thought it….I cried ….with the realization that Nathan is not here. I know that in my heart all the time, but sometimes it takes my mind a minute. Like they are off a few beats from each other sometimes. Because sometimes this feels like a very bad dream or a very good dream depending on which parts you focus on. But it feels like a dream all the same.
It is just so strange that he is not here, and while my friends are making plans for their little ones. I am not.
But I will say each of them help with this grief. They all embrace me with so much love, that I never feel baby less. I get to love their little ones and be a part of their everyday milestones. It has been such a blessing in a disaster. God knows how my heart will randomly ache and He provides friends like family, whose little ones are in need of a very special Aunt Sammy.
Triggers are different and hit at the most incontinent times. I am finding that when grief knocks your knees out. Simply sit with it for a while. Ignoring it is damaging. So I sit with it, and I have whatever cry I need. I also allow negativity in these moments. In these moments I yell all my “Why God Whys?” In these moments I second guess my progress. "Am I really doing as well as others say I am?" I shout all my imperfect curses towards Heaven. I even send up the most dreaded question , "was there something I could have done to make Nathan live?" I let it all fly up, whatever I need to purge, anything that is between the grief I am in and the place of peace I need to be in. I let it all go up and out, and I wait. I wait for minutes. I wait for days. Sometimes I wait for much longer .
And always while I am not looking, it finally comes back down to me. Peace beyond understanding. It always finds me right where I am. I never have to clean myself up for it’s arrival. God’s Grace simply finds me, and gives me the peace I need, right where I am, in His perfect time.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Our little blue butterfly
"Butterflies in general have many meanings within different cultures, with the most common being symbols for life, love, change or rebirth. Butterflies are also popularly thought to symbolize a person's essence, or soul, either past, present or future."
"A blue butterfly is a breathtaking example of Mother Nature at her finest. Because of its beauty, a blue butterfly is often thought to have special meaning and symbolism for those lucky enough to see one. Although seeing a blue butterfly is not a common experience, several species throughout the world are blue—or appear to be—and each holds special significance for its admirers."
Robin McClure- eHow contributor
I read the above information online(The Meaning of a Blue Butterfly @ eHow.com) I thought it was interesting because Nathan's memory "symbol", if you will,is a blue butterfly. Nathan is my blue butterfly. Amazingly the article states that it is rare to see them. And that a person is lucky to experience a blue butterfly. How true that is. I am lucky to have experienced Nathan's life and am still amazed at the impact His life has on so many people. What a rare butterfly He was indeed. Funny how one little blue butterfly can change your whole life.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Happy Tears
I was up later than usual this evening getting together my art supplies for the cards I am going to send out. I had cards made for nathan's blog and I am sending them several places to be handed out to grieving parents. I know God will be using these cards for great comfort. I was on my way to bed and felt the urge to check my e-mail.
I was brought to tears. The email was from a woman I had reached out to. I had sent her a card with the link to Nathan's blog. Never knowing if it would bless her life, but planted the seed of healing for God to grow.
She is the first person to request the comfort packet, and tell me her story.
I nearly fell to my knees. God told me to write this blog, God told me to make the comfort packets, God even told me to make the business cards about the blog to leave randomly. Even though somewhat scared, I knew it would help at least one person. God is going to minister to her in just the way she needs. God is going to give her the peace we all so desperately need.
I have cried happy tears tonight. I have cried in abundance tonight. I have cried because tonight I saw Nathan's life instead of His death. Through reaching out to grieving parents Nathan's legacy begins. I realized today that His life was not cut short, but perhaps His life was short to begin something so much bigger.
When the holy spirit speaks to you it is a moment you will never forget. I will never forget this moment and I am so grateful for God's presence. This woman blessed me in a way she will never know. It gave me joy unspeakable, just to be reminded that God is in control, even this blog is in his hands, and He is going to do amazing works.
Nathan,
Mommy misses you to pieces, but tonight you did not feel so far away. I Love You and don't worry....these are happy tears.
I was brought to tears. The email was from a woman I had reached out to. I had sent her a card with the link to Nathan's blog. Never knowing if it would bless her life, but planted the seed of healing for God to grow.
She is the first person to request the comfort packet, and tell me her story.
I nearly fell to my knees. God told me to write this blog, God told me to make the comfort packets, God even told me to make the business cards about the blog to leave randomly. Even though somewhat scared, I knew it would help at least one person. God is going to minister to her in just the way she needs. God is going to give her the peace we all so desperately need.
I have cried happy tears tonight. I have cried in abundance tonight. I have cried because tonight I saw Nathan's life instead of His death. Through reaching out to grieving parents Nathan's legacy begins. I realized today that His life was not cut short, but perhaps His life was short to begin something so much bigger.
When the holy spirit speaks to you it is a moment you will never forget. I will never forget this moment and I am so grateful for God's presence. This woman blessed me in a way she will never know. It gave me joy unspeakable, just to be reminded that God is in control, even this blog is in his hands, and He is going to do amazing works.
Nathan,
Mommy misses you to pieces, but tonight you did not feel so far away. I Love You and don't worry....these are happy tears.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Progress
Today marks 6 months.
Unbelievable I know. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. I would not say it is getting any easier, but I am at a point where I am more and more at peace. James and I now have a codeword that we can whisper to each other if we are in a social situation, and get sad enough to need to leave. I read this idea in a book that one of my sister's professors sent us. He and His wife began doing this after they lost their son. If they were in a place and missing their son became to overwhelming, they would whisper their own codeword, and the other would know they were hurting. It is a way to kindly wrap things up and just be with each other. I think it is a wonderful tool.
6 months later I am finding that taking expectation out of things is allowing me to be more flexible and be very at peace with not being in control. James and I know that Nathan lived the days He was meant to, and we did not fail Him in any way. What is to happen will happen. God is in control, and I just have to surrender that He knows what is best for us. All I can do is hope, and keep going forward. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows how much we wanted Nathan, and He knows how hard loosing Him has been for us. I am in the best hands, even if I don't understand.
Something that has been difficult is learning how to adjust to being in public or anything social. I have always been a bit socially anxious, and never really liked crowds. Now it is just amplified.
I feel like I have a huge sign on me. "Warning Warning grieving Mother...could cry at any time"
One of the things I decided to do to overcome this is to volunteer a few hours a week at the Library.
I will only be doing it a few hours per week. But it is a huge step. It will merge me back into social settings, and force me to overcome.
I had to find something that was set apart from loosing Nathan. I need something that is just for me. I have to learn to separate myself from loosing Nathan. Not everything can be about that. That is why I have this blog. Here it can be all about Him all the time. It is a safe place. But I can't only focus on Him. I have to live this life. Even if He had lived it couldn't be all about Him.
While making small talk recently with someone new, the conversation led to if I have any children. I told Him about my 19 year old daughter, whom I was blessed to have adopted many years ago. I simply stated that James and I hope to add to our family one day. It felt like a slow motion moment. I did not mention Nathan even though I was thinking about him. But for the first time I felt O.K. with not mentioning Him. I did not feel guilty about not opening up the wound. I felt O.K. with thinking about Nathan but not mentioning Him in the setting I was in. It was a huge step.
With such a loss you feel that every moment you don't talk about your child you are somehow forgetting them and wronging them in some way. Even though deep down I know this is not the case, the yucky feelings are still there. So it was nice to have interaction about children without feeling this guilt. I have, and continue to honor Nathan’s memory. I am finding that I also honor Him with happy things. Every time I laugh I feel closer to Him.
Because you see God wants me to be happy. Laughing and enjoying moments is what God wants me to do. When I do what God wants, I am closer to Him. That same God holds it all in His hands, including our Nathan. So every step forward I take I am closer to it all.
Unbelievable I know. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. I would not say it is getting any easier, but I am at a point where I am more and more at peace. James and I now have a codeword that we can whisper to each other if we are in a social situation, and get sad enough to need to leave. I read this idea in a book that one of my sister's professors sent us. He and His wife began doing this after they lost their son. If they were in a place and missing their son became to overwhelming, they would whisper their own codeword, and the other would know they were hurting. It is a way to kindly wrap things up and just be with each other. I think it is a wonderful tool.
6 months later I am finding that taking expectation out of things is allowing me to be more flexible and be very at peace with not being in control. James and I know that Nathan lived the days He was meant to, and we did not fail Him in any way. What is to happen will happen. God is in control, and I just have to surrender that He knows what is best for us. All I can do is hope, and keep going forward. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows how much we wanted Nathan, and He knows how hard loosing Him has been for us. I am in the best hands, even if I don't understand.
Something that has been difficult is learning how to adjust to being in public or anything social. I have always been a bit socially anxious, and never really liked crowds. Now it is just amplified.
I feel like I have a huge sign on me. "Warning Warning grieving Mother...could cry at any time"
One of the things I decided to do to overcome this is to volunteer a few hours a week at the Library.
I will only be doing it a few hours per week. But it is a huge step. It will merge me back into social settings, and force me to overcome.
I had to find something that was set apart from loosing Nathan. I need something that is just for me. I have to learn to separate myself from loosing Nathan. Not everything can be about that. That is why I have this blog. Here it can be all about Him all the time. It is a safe place. But I can't only focus on Him. I have to live this life. Even if He had lived it couldn't be all about Him.
While making small talk recently with someone new, the conversation led to if I have any children. I told Him about my 19 year old daughter, whom I was blessed to have adopted many years ago. I simply stated that James and I hope to add to our family one day. It felt like a slow motion moment. I did not mention Nathan even though I was thinking about him. But for the first time I felt O.K. with not mentioning Him. I did not feel guilty about not opening up the wound. I felt O.K. with thinking about Nathan but not mentioning Him in the setting I was in. It was a huge step.
With such a loss you feel that every moment you don't talk about your child you are somehow forgetting them and wronging them in some way. Even though deep down I know this is not the case, the yucky feelings are still there. So it was nice to have interaction about children without feeling this guilt. I have, and continue to honor Nathan’s memory. I am finding that I also honor Him with happy things. Every time I laugh I feel closer to Him.
Because you see God wants me to be happy. Laughing and enjoying moments is what God wants me to do. When I do what God wants, I am closer to Him. That same God holds it all in His hands, including our Nathan. So every step forward I take I am closer to it all.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Holding
Holding
In bitter waves of woe,
Beaten and tossed about,
By the sullen winds that blow,
From the desolate shores of doubt,
Where the anchors that faith has cast,
Are dragging in the gale,
I am quietly holding fast,
To the things that cannot fail.
--Washington Gladden
--
In bitter waves of woe,
Beaten and tossed about,
By the sullen winds that blow,
From the desolate shores of doubt,
Where the anchors that faith has cast,
Are dragging in the gale,
I am quietly holding fast,
To the things that cannot fail.
--Washington Gladden
--
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