Our little blue butterfly

"Butterflies in general have many meanings within different cultures, with the most common being symbols for life, love, change or rebirth. Butterflies are also popularly thought to symbolize a person's essence, or soul, either past, present or future."

"A blue butterfly is a breathtaking example of Mother Nature at her finest. Because of its beauty, a blue butterfly is often thought to have special meaning and symbolism for those lucky enough to see one. Although seeing a blue butterfly is not a common experience, several species throughout the world are blue—or appear to be—and each holds special significance for its admirers."
Robin McClure- eHow contributor

I read the above information online(The Meaning of a Blue Butterfly @ eHow.com) I thought it was interesting because Nathan's memory "symbol", if you will,is a blue butterfly. Nathan is my blue butterfly. Amazingly the article states that it is rare to see them. And that a person is lucky to experience a blue butterfly. How true that is. I am lucky to have experienced Nathan's life and am still amazed at the impact His life has on so many people. What a rare butterfly He was indeed. Funny how one little blue butterfly can change your whole life.

Happy Tears

I was up later than usual this evening getting together my art supplies for the cards I am going to send out. I had cards made for nathan's blog and I am sending them several places to be handed out to grieving parents. I know God will be using these cards for great comfort. I was on my way to bed and felt the urge to check my e-mail.

I was brought to tears. The email was from a woman I had reached out to. I had sent her a card with the link to Nathan's blog. Never knowing if it would bless her life, but planted the seed of healing for God to grow.
She is the first person to request the comfort packet, and tell me her story.
I nearly fell to my knees. God told me to write this blog, God told me to make the comfort packets, God even told me to make the business cards about the blog to leave randomly. Even though somewhat scared, I knew it would help at least one person. God is going to minister to her in just the way she needs. God is going to give her the peace we all so desperately need.

I have cried happy tears tonight. I have cried in abundance tonight. I have cried because tonight I saw Nathan's life instead of His death. Through reaching out to grieving parents Nathan's legacy begins. I realized today that His life was not cut short, but perhaps His life was short to begin something so much bigger.

When the holy spirit speaks to you it is a moment you will never forget. I will never forget this moment and I am so grateful for God's presence. This woman blessed me in a way she will never know. It gave me joy unspeakable, just to be reminded that God is in control, even this blog is in his hands, and He is going to do amazing works.

Nathan,
Mommy misses you to pieces, but tonight you did not feel so far away. I Love You and don't worry....these are happy tears.

Progress

Today marks 6 months.
Unbelievable I know. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. I would not say it is getting any easier, but I am at a point where I am more and more at peace. James and I now have a codeword that we can whisper to each other if we are in a social situation, and get sad enough to need to leave. I read this idea in a book that one of my sister's professors sent us. He and His wife began doing this after they lost their son. If they were in a place and missing their son became to overwhelming, they would whisper their own codeword, and the other would know they were hurting. It is a way to kindly wrap things up and just be with each other. I think it is a wonderful tool.

6 months later I am finding that taking expectation out of things is allowing me to be more flexible and be very at peace with not being in control. James and I know that Nathan lived the days He was meant to, and we did not fail Him in any way. What is to happen will happen. God is in control, and I just have to surrender that He knows what is best for us. All I can do is hope, and keep going forward. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows how much we wanted Nathan, and He knows how hard loosing Him has been for us. I am in the best hands, even if I don't understand.

Something that has been difficult is learning how to adjust to being in public or anything social. I have always been a bit socially anxious, and never really liked crowds. Now it is just amplified.
I feel like I have a huge sign on me. "Warning Warning grieving Mother...could cry at any time" Like everyone is staring at me or something. Let's be honest. 99 percent of people are too busy with there own tasks to even notice me. And even if they do they are certainly not even aware of my grief. So I know it is crazy talk, but still it is a struggle. A breakdown in public has never even happened, but the fear of it can be debilitating.

One of the things I decided to do to overcome this is to volunteer a few hours a week at the Library.
I will only be doing it a few hours per week. But it is a huge step. It will merge me back into social settings, and force me to overcome.
I had to find something that was set apart from loosing Nathan. I need something that is just for me. I have to learn to separate myself from loosing Nathan. Not everything can be about that. That is why I have this blog. Here it can be all about Him all the time. It is a safe place. But I can't only focus on Him. I have to live this life. Even if He had lived it couldn't be all about Him.

While making small talk recently with someone new, the conversation led to if I have any children. I told Him about my 19 year old daughter, whom I was blessed to have adopted many years ago. I simply stated that James and I hope to add to our family one day. It felt like a slow motion moment. I did not mention Nathan even though I was thinking about him. But for the first time I felt O.K. with not mentioning Him. I did not feel guilty about not opening up the wound. I felt O.K. with thinking about Nathan but not mentioning Him in the setting I was in. It was a huge step.


With such a loss you feel that every moment you don't talk about your child you are somehow forgetting them and wronging them in some way. Even though deep down I know this is not the case, the yucky feelings are still there. So it was nice to have interaction about children without feeling this guilt. I have, and continue to honor Nathan’s memory. I am finding that I also honor Him with happy things. Every time I laugh I feel closer to Him.

Because you see God wants me to be happy. Laughing and enjoying moments is what God wants me to do. When I do what God wants, I am closer to Him. That same God holds it all in His hands, including our Nathan. So every step forward I take I am closer to it all.

Holding

Holding

In bitter waves of woe,
Beaten and tossed about,
By the sullen winds that blow,
From the desolate shores of doubt,
Where the anchors that faith has cast,
Are dragging in the gale,
I am quietly holding fast,
To the things that cannot fail.

--Washington Gladden

--

Well said Paul

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do:forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus

Philippians 3:12-14

Now this is some good stuff. This is just one thing I love about the Bible. It says exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. I love how Paul speaks of pressing on. Running the race so to speak. Not that we forget our little ones, but rather the pain associated with loosing them. I will never forget Nathan nor should I. He remains a miracle I am blessed to have experienced. I do not have to forget Him to forget the aching and breaking of my heart. I can set Him aside from that pain and see Him as a living gift from God. He just lives elsewhere, in His glorified body, and gets to hang out with Jesus every moment. What a lucky little booger.

The most amazing thing I have experienced this side of heaven was feeling Nathan grow within me. To feel His life is something I cherish. To see my belly grow as He grew was an awesome display. I loved every moment expecting Him. Now I must love every moment in anticipation of our reunion.

One day I will stand before The Lord. One day I will answer for my life. And even though I have questioned this trial and screamed of it's unfairness, he will give me the gift of being reunited with Nathan. Seeing Jesus, praising Him in Glory, is the goal, and will be the ultimate experience of my whole life. But He loves me so much he will still give me Nathan. Now that is Love. Even when it is all about Him he will still consider me. Heaven is not about Me and Nathan. But Jesus loves me to the point that He will still give that to me. He loves me that much.

Fly-Celine Dion

What a sweet sweet song. The words really touched my heart. Fly, Fly sweet Nathan. You are so safe and that makes Mommy and Daddy so happy. We love you sweet boy.

It's O.K.

This morning was a difficult morning. But that is O.K
This morning I missed Nathan more than I can describe. But that is O.K
This morning I questioned God's plan for me. But that is O.K
This morning I felt a bit more restless. But that is O.K.

This morning Satan taunted me with self doubt about Nathan's death. Making me feel guilt and filling my head with lies That is not O.K.

So I got out of bed and in that one gesture I fought back.
I took a shower and in that one gesture I fought back.
I got dressed and did not crawl back in bed and in that one gesture I fought back.

And then I prayed and in that one gesture Satan fled. God wins everytime. And that is more than O.K.

Why I pray

This time 5 months ago I said hello and goodbye to Nathan. Shalom sweet angel.
From the moment we learned Nathan had left us I felt God’s presence roll over me like a fog. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I felt only what I can describe as a “Peace Blanket”. I will never forget how God revealed Himself to me that night. He revealed Himself to me just like He has done for many before me. This was my burning bush moment. A moment where I could not deny Him. It was a supernatural experience that I cherish. As painful as not having Nathan is…And hear me out on this… I would not trade him being here for God revealing Himself to me. Don’t misunderstand me. I want my son here. I ache for his chubby fingers to wrap around mine. But that horrible night I really, really met God. I felt to my core what i have believed all these years. God revealed Himself to me despite my cries to take my life instead. God revealed Himself to me? Stubborn, broken, full of yuck… me?

Audrey Assad & Chris Tomlin sing a song called “Winter Snow” This song is written to describe how Jesus could have come to us any way he wanted. He could have come to us in a grand display, but he came more softly. They sing…..

You could’ve come like a mighty storm, with all of the strength of a hurricane.
You could’ve come like a forest fire. With the power of Heaven in your flame.
But you came like a winter snow. Quiet. Soft. And Slow.
Falling from the sky. In the night. To the earth below.

I heard this song the other day, and it brought me to tears. I relate to it differently then the way they intended because this is how I felt that night. God could have saved Nathan’s life. Even the next morning, as he was delivered, he could have breathed life into Nathan. He could have shown His power in a grand display, but instead he came to us quietly like a fog, and covered me in a “Peace Blanket”.

I don’t pray to a God that I created. I pray to a God that created me. He is not sitting around waiting on my instruction. He is not going to do what I want , but He is always going to answer. Mom has told us for years that “God has three answers. Yes. No. And Wait”
That night God said “No” when I begged. He said “No” when my sister was face on the floor begging. He said “No” to my husband who begged at my bedside. . but He said “Yes” when others prayed for our comfort.

I don’t pray because it necessarily changes the outcome. I pray because it changes me. It changes how I see things. It allows me a glimpse of God and how He sees things. I pray because it unleashes the power of God in my heart. Prayer does not mean I get what I choose. God is going to do what is in His will to do, what He has had planned from the beginning of creation. Prayer does not change God but it does change things.

Prayer will not bring Nathan back from the grave. It does however, take away the darkness of his grave.

Thank You Lord for not leaving me. Thank you for prayer. My Hope is in You.

What is normal anyway?

Today was not a bad day. I had one moment while I was vacuuming, but was able to carry on. So that is a pretty good day for me.

It was one of those moments where Nathan's absence hit me all at once. Most of the time I carry missing him like a horrible headache. It is something I carry all day, I am aware of it, but am able to function.

So I was vacuuming, and for a split second I wondered if the vacuum would wake Nathan up? Isn't that a wild thought? I know he is not here, but it is like my mind forgot for a moment, and regarded him as present. As if he was just in another room or something. The rude awakening of reality snapped my knees a little, and I immediately corrected my thoughts to think "I wonder if the vacuum would have woken Nathan up if he was here".

It is strange. Sometimes it is like a dream. Like this didn't really happen. Like I am watching a horrible movie. But Alas it is true, and I know I am not "Crazy" for these moments when my mind plays with what my heart knows is missing.
These moments actually make me feel as "normal" as possible. It is quite normal for a mother to think of her child. It is quite normal for me to regard Nathan. To wonder about what he would be doing, or how things would affect him. And even those split seconds of confusion are normal too.
The fact that I can bounce back from these moments is proof of my progress.

I am not even sure what normal is anyway. You can't put this loss in a box or any other loss for that matter. What works for me may not work for someone else, and vice a versa. My grief is not the same as anyone Else's even if the situations are the same. The only thing I know for sure about Grief is that it does not discriminate. It hits anyone at anytime. It does not care who you are or what you have done. Good or bad. No one person stands out.

Those of us on the road of loss can only give each other landmarks as a guide because our maps are all different. They have to be because our destinations are not the same. Up or Down? Left or right? It is all confusion really, and in the end the fact that none of us know the way alone helps me feel more normal. There isn't a short cut I am missing. Others feel the way I do.
And while confusion exists...at least we are not alone, and if we believe I think we will find that Jesus provides excellent maps and even shelter on the road. He was a Carpenter after all.

A Grief Observed

I wish I could take credit for the title of this blog. But I just finished a short book written by C.S. Lewis titled A Grief Observed. I highly recommend this book with a small disclaimer.

First, it is written in a very, how shall I put it?, a very "Smart" style. I had to look up a few words in the dictionary myself. So don't feel bad if you have to read a few sentences over again like I did. He was a theologian after all.

Second, it is a very powerful book. He writes openly. He writes those things we think, but never say out loud, somehow thinking we can hide our true feelings from our creator. It is powerful reading his anger, and questions, and uncertainty, and relating to them in such a raw way. It is even more powerful coming to terms with the acceptance He finds in the end. He bounces back and forth in the stages of grief, and helped me to feel "normal" for also feeling this way. It helped guide me to a different place.

Not to say that I am O.K. with such a loss as Nathan. Not to say I do not have my moments of anger. And certainly not to say that in my anguish I have not screamed to Heaven, desperate for God to send Nathan back to us. But I will say that this book brought about things I was not even aware I needed to come to terms with. Feelings I am holding onto because I think they bring me closer to Nathan. When in reality they only make Him seem further away.

Who told me that the harder I cry the better Mother I am? Who told me that there is shame in me getting better? Who told me that there is shame in laughing? God never told me such things. Ahhhh it is "The Enemy"of course.

He deceives me by leading me to believe that by moving forward I love Nathan less. His lies lead me to think that without my baby here I am no longer a mother. He shames me into thinking that my body is tainted and useless and lead to Nathan's death. He attacks me daily in the hope that I will turn and attack myself. But I think he underestimates MY GOD.

I am not strong enough. I am desperate. I am weak. I am scared. But I am also tapped into the power of the one true GOD. Nothing can separate me from Him. So perhaps Mr. Enemy you should realize you are wasting your time. You may knock me down, maybe even several times, but i am going to keep getting back up. I am not going to curse God or quit believing in His plan for my life. You are not going to make me turn my back on my creator. I will doubt myself, that is true, but My God will show me the truth. My God never lies. My God never leaves me. I will be sad, but My God will embrace me.

Simply put I am learning that the harder I fight the enemy, and the less I mourn Nathan, the closer He is to me. I am His mother no matter where he is. He was born in Glory, but that does not take away that he lived for 9 months within me. My son is with God, and yet he is still my son.

"The aching may remain, but the breaking does not"-Andrew Peterson