HE will help you find it

Every Little Thing

Today I was reminded that nothing we do in Gods Name, with a pure heart, ever comes back void. I really believe that one day I will hear two sweet words from The LORD "Well Done" It is all I ever need to hear. It is the most important thing I long to hear.
I have been horribly missing Nathan this week, and questioning if I am blessing others enough to help ease their hurt too. Because you see true blessing are when we bless others, and it brings about a peace in me, and makes me feel closer to Nathan than ever. Long story short I quietly blessed someone, and they returned the blessing to someone else that was strugglng. It reminded me that no gestures of kindness is too small for God. It reminded me that pain is only temporary, and when we help others in pain, it shows them who God really is. There will come a day when I will meet my savior face to face, and hold nathan again, The two things I long for the most. But until then I am going to show others that God is real. Not by huge billboards, and flashy Christianity, but just by being a servent. Just by doing the little things God asks me to do. I am finding that the more little things I can do to ease another persons heartache, heals me too, and brings me closer to God, and Nathan by proxy. And really that isn't so little at all. God knows my heart, and for the first time I can remember I am sad, but I am at peace. I have joy even with tears. I am starting to learn that God is in every little thing, becasue nothing is little to Him. He is in every Little Thing.

Book Release Party June 8, 2013

We Won't Be Shaken

Sweet Sweet Peace

In Sunday's sermon it was said.." There is a big difference between something being hard to understand, and something being hidden from you"

This spoke loudly to me, and I immediately thought about Nathan. It may be hard to understand, but God's peace and grace and love, have not been hidden from me.

Yesterday Nathan would have been 18 months old, and I thought about those words and for the first time a weight was lifted and I was not sad. In fact I was not sad all day long. I thought about Nathan all day of course, but it was peaceful, and I had a grateful heart. Thank you Holy Spirit. Even though I don't understand..God never hides his blessings from me.

His blessings are not always what i anticipate. His blessings are often what I need instead. A grateful heart. A life of contentment. Peace beyond understanding. These things hold the most value to me. And while I miss my boy, the ache was filled with peace. Sweet sweet peace.

Never Forsaken

Peace on the Breeze

Have you ever wondered why those of us that love the LORD endure so much tragedy and suffering? I wonder about it all the time. I am sure there is a philosophical answer. I am sure it can be backed up with scripture. But honestly, in my simple mind, I believe it is really all about God. Because, in our weakness God reveals Himself.
When I am at the end of my plans, and at the end of what I think is best, God reveals what are His plans and what is really best. What the enemy means for evil, God turns into amazing.

I tell myself the above each and every morning. It has been 16 -months now…. and each morning I have to remind myself of the above. Each morning I struggle with the guilt of moving forward. Knowing all the while that this is what God wants for me. It doesn’t bother Nathan that I laugh and experience life. It doesn’t bother Him at all that I carry him with me but not so close all the time. Some days I have to carry him a bit further away so that I can function.

It’s kind of like holding a balloon on a string. Sometimes the balloon is right at my shoulders and other times it is floating above me. Sometimes the balloon is far above my head. Other days it is in my arms. But the balloon is never out of my thoughts. I am aware of its presence and I value it. But if I hold it to tight it may burst. It may burst into the grief monster, and pull me down into darkness and sadness. I would rather watch it float in the breeze, knowing God is on the breeze, and my balloon is safe and sound.

Peace is a tremendous gift, even when we don’t understand. Have you ever seen the end of the movie Forrest Gump? The part when he sits on the stump, and the feather floats up and up and up. It’s cinematically breathtaking.
Peace is a lot like that. It just floats up and up and up, and it is an awesome display to just sit and experience it.

Never Alone-- Barlow Girls

Sometimes you just need a little Reminder

Proof Of Life

A new year has begun. When I think back on my life, I imagine that the little girl I once was could never have imagined where I am now. Little me could not have imagined climbing such huge mountains. But climb I did, and not alone I might add.

The past few weeks have been building behind my eyes. It was a strange pressure that all at once was there and then was gone. It was like a gust of wind that comes and refreshes the landscape. I didn’t realize the pressure had passed until I was on the way to North Carolina to visit my folks. We were in the car and I was talking about the memory box I have containing Nathan’s things. In it is the blanket, hat, and gloves he wore, and they are beyond precious to me. I never travel without them. Even if just for a night, I carry at least one of these items. It has always made me feel closer to him.

So I am in the car talking about the box, and it hits me that I have forgotten them. I am three hours into the trip, we can’t turn back, I don’t have his blanket. I don’t have anything of his at all. My heart sinks and I tell James what I have done. He asks me how I feel about it. I take a deep breath and say “Well I am not sure. I guess it wasn’t an accident I forgot.” I am quiet for a few minutes and James holds my hand. We are both expecting me to cry and need to turn around to get it. But a strange thing happened.

I didn’t cry and I never asked that we turn around. I took deep breaths. I sat with a bit of pain, and thought. I thought that maybe our minds and our hearts misfire exactly when they are suppose to. Maybe this was my minds way of making me takes steps my heart wasn’t ready to take. Maybe this was just life’s natural progression.
It is natural to hold on to things most precious to us. It is natural to not like change at some capacity. I think the problem is when it turns into fear. Fear holds us back from what God has for us. What was I so afraid of? Did I think that if I didn’t take a physical part of Nathan, that he would be left behind? Did I think He would be forgotten? I thought about these two questions the rest of our car ride, and it is only a few weeks later that I have the answer.

It was not that I thought He would be left behind. It was not that I thought He would be forgotten. It was because I needed something tangible to prove Nathan was here. The closer I held his “things” the more it felt like I was holding Him. My memories of Him come in flashes. His blankets and pictures and such, are my proof that He was here. They prove that this was all real. I did have a baby. I did have a son. He was here and he was beautiful. I know these things in my heart of course. But often my mind flip flops in trying to make sense of it. It wasn’t until our car ride that I was forced to accept that I do not have to have anything of Nathans to be his mother. His blankets are not what binds us together. I felt that if I let go of his things I was letting go of Nathan too.

In the weeks since, I have noticed a shift in my spirit. Being Nathan’s mother is very important. But it is not all that is important. I am a Mother, but I am also a child of God. Meaning I have a journey to fulfill. A journey designed for me. Nathan and even the absence of Him is part of this journey. He is a miracle I can carry with me if I can stop over thinking everything about Him. If I let go of his blanket I am not letting go of Him. I am simply putting down things I cannot carry all the time. It is ok to look around a bit and change the scenery. Nathan will be right there with me even without the physical proof.

Stories are not told by the final chapter alone. Stories are a continuation of thoughts
One line at a time.
One step at a time.
One lesson at a time.
One breath at a time.
Nathan is never without my love. He is proof of love, no matter where he is. Nothing I will ever do will change His purpose. I don’t need to do things to prove He was here.
God breathed life into Nathan, and he continues to breathe life into Me, Nathan’s Momma. That is really all the proof I need.