A Peaceful Tapestry

A few weeks back James and I were flying back from Texas. My teary eyes were closed, thinking about Nathan. Grief just hit me, and opened my eyes to the most amazing thing. Out the window to my left was a portrait from God. Rows and Rows of peaceful, safe, perfect clouds. There seemed to be no end. I cannot describe the peace that fell over me being amongst those pillowy clouds that morning. But I can tell you that it was the closest I have felt to Nathan in quite a while. I wanted to share the actual picture with you in the hopes that it will comfort whomever or whatever you may be missing today. Hope is always there where you least expect it. Sometimes Hope begins with a memorable moment. Mine just happened to be clouds :)

Brave in progress

I have been working on being brave lately. I have been unable to put "grown up" furniture in the room that was to be Nathan's. I have moved the remaining furniture around a dozen times. I was able to recently turn a different crib into a toddler bed for the little ducklings that come to visit. But I could only handle putting up an air mattress for our adult visitors. For some reason putting a "real" bed, in what was to be his room, seemed very final to me. A big bed made it a guest room and seemed to put the final stamp on it.

Today was a huge milestone and very painful. Today we did just that. We set up our guest bed, and made that final gesture. My heart was not ready to do this but mind was. My mind said "Samara it is time". Maybe it wasn't my mind at all, but the voice of God. Either way it has been done.

I have let it sink in all day. It was a beautiful, breezy, sunshiny day so I did yard work. I mowed the lawn and cried the entire time. My heart just broke. Later while watching T.V. one character said to another...
"The pain never goes away, you just make room for it."
It was a completely unrelated show to my life. It was just a line in a script. But it really clung to me.

So after James was all tucked in, and I of course was wide awake, I went in and sat in our "new room". I rocked and rocked and cried and cried. And I stared at that big painful bed. And I remembered that line from T.V. today. And I thought to myself. It's true…because that is what I did today. I made room for pain.

You see… it is not going to go away. Nathan is never going to come home and sleep in this room. I must make room for the pain of growth. I must start making those final gestures of acceptance. I am going to cry…a lot. It is going to hurt beyond measure. I am going to ask God “Why?” countless times. However, in the end I must keep doing these things that are hard to do. I must face all the proverbial beds that I simply have to put up. I must be brave and keep trying.

I imagine I will live my whole life and never understand all of this. But I really do believe that one day I will be in Glory, and all of this will be revealed to me. There will not be any more confusion or pain. I believe that if I keep running the race, eyes fixed on the prize, that I will hear “Well Done”. Nathan will be there also and all of this will not have been for nothing. God has a purpose for it all.

While I wait, I must keep on living. I must remember that my story will always matter, and those that read these words matter a great deal. One day someone will have to face this very same thing, and maybe, just maybe, they will try to be brave too. I am learning that sometimes brave is a process.

The Shack

I really find it hard to recommend books related to grief. Grief is different for each of us and what helps me may not help someone else. I am careful not to take “too much” from grief support books whether they be fictional or non fictional. I find that a lot of the time the things I am highlighting can be found in my very own Bible, and I feel horrible when I overlook God’s word and hit the bookstores instead. But I also believe God inspires books that truly help people so I think a healthy balance of both is a wonderful idea.

That being said I recently read The Shack by: William P. Young.
I am admittedly late in the game reading this book. It seems like everyone has read it. I happened to see a copy on a goodwill shelf, and knew my sister had read it so I decided what the heck. I guess the best summary is that it is about a man who looses his young daughter to a violent crime. Later he receives a letter from God “Papa” inviting him back to the shack where she was killed. He does go and in turn has a personal journey with God and His three Persons, that changes him forever.

There is so much in this book that has been reported as controversial. I tend to swim upstream so controversial doesn’t bother me at all. But it may bother you so take heed. The writer makes God and His Trinity very personalized. So I only would recommend it if you are in need of healing your personal relationship with god and put religion aside.

Ok now that that is out of the way… there were two main points that struck my heart with some real power. I struggle with why God doesn’t stop our pain, loss, suffering? You know the real ugly stuff that hurts to your bones. The reality that God had the power to keep Nathan alive!

Character Mack has a similar question
“You may not cause those things, but you certainly don’t stop them.”

God “Papa’s” response
“There are millions of reasons to allow pain and hurt and suffering rather then to eradicate them, but most of those reasons can only be understood with each person’s story”

Doesn’t that just hit home. We will never understand loosing Nathan this side of heaven. But the reasons seem to be sometimes all I can focus on. It will never make sense, but it can be made good. In Nathan’s story there are moments of pure peace. There are moments of pure sadness. Sometimes there are just pure moments. I think the point is that there are moments at all. There is a story to be told, and every time I tell it, a seed is planted for something only God can grow. God has His reasons, and for me to understand them would take away from the miracle of grace. The grace that I even know God at all. That He knows I want to know the reasons and knows I am going to be angry, but He loves me anyway and is patient and helps me tell Nathan’s story despite not getting what I want.

Lastly Character Mack and I share the want to shed the “Great Sadness" His character states…
“The great sadness would not be a part of his identity any longer. He knew that (Missy) wouldn’t care if He refused to put it back on. In fact, she wouldn’t want Him to huddle in that shroud and would likely grieve for him if he did. He wondered who he would be now that he was letting all that go -to walk into each day without guilt and despair that had sucked the color of life out of everything”


This spoke so loudly to me. A little over a year it has been now, and I still catch myself feeling guilty if I am not sad a whole day. If I laugh to loud do I hurt Nathan’s feelings? If I decide not to lay in bed and enjoy the sunshine am I a horrible mother? If I want to become a new me, and leave the coat of sadness behind, what does that say about my love for Nathan? These have been my most painful innermost struggles in all of this. How do I move forward without hurting Nathan?

Dear Ones,
I think I have an idea. Our children are with the Lord in their glorified state. The state of Glory is so wonderful it is beyond anything we can imagine. Our children have experienced the presence of Glory. I am not certain if they can see us or not, but if they could see us, I doubt they would want to see us huddled in despair. They are in such holy presence that sadness does not exist. When we pick ourselves up and experience the color of life once again we do not offend or hurt them. If they could reach down to us and wipe our tears away. And in that moment we could see their sweet faces we would never feel guilty again.

We would see the safety that holds them every moment never letting go. We would see peace beyond peace. And I may be alone in saying this, but if I ever saw Nathan that safe and that happy with my own eyes I would send him back up on a very chubby cloud.

Shaken

There are times when the pressure behind my eyes is to great a thing. It comes mostly at bed time. When I close my eyes it is impossible to not see sad images. The harder I try to push them out the more they seem to stay. A lot of the times it is flashes of my hospital stay or Nathan's funeral. I say flashes because the whole scenario seemed like an out of body experience at times. Sometimes I only have pieces in my mind. Other things jump out at me and I remember every horrible detail. I work very hard to control my thoughts and focus on the positive. Most of the time this is when I write to you all. I also read book after book. There is a constant flow of the written word in my life. It does help distract my mind.

But there is this horrible image I just cannot shake. No matter how many blogs, or late night prayers, this horrible image of the nurse shaking my belly that hits me every night like clockwork. It is a terrible memory and has been very traumatic for me. Why do they do this? I get the idea of it, move the belly, and the baby will move. But what about the times when the baby does not move? What about the effect this has on the mother? This is what I remember most. I cannot speak for every mother, but I would bet that this is the one thing they remember most. It is that moment when you realize what they are checking for. In that moment you hold your breath, and are not sure you will ever breath again.

But alas you do breathe again. It is a different way of breathing, but breath all the same. I think a lot about that moment. That is when I knew in my heart that He was gone. Before all the monitors and machinery. I guess I knew because a mother just seems to know about her child. He always moved. He moved until he simply didn’t.

It is this particular memory where I struggle the most. Sometimes I wish I could wipe it from my memory. But I know I really wouldn’t. Because to wipe away any part it would take away from the time I had with Nathan. Unfortunately I must take the painful moments just as I do the wonderful. The painful ones are a part of my story as well, and just as important. The painful parts remind me that it was real. Nathan’s heart did beat and the silence of it in the end does not erase the beginning.

Sometimes late at night that is what I focus on. The beginning of Nathan….
And I can keep going because Nathan WAS before I even knew he WAS. He is such an important beginning and in Glory there is no end. He did not cease to exist, and no amount of shaking, can shake that he was “fearfully and wonderfully made” I carried Him and the LORD carried Him the rest of the way.

Even silence has a song

In the times of silence it helps to remember that silence is not a punishement. It is a time for us to be still and know. How refreshing to be reminded that it is O.K. to just be still and not have to figure it all out.

Healing Hearts

A big Thank You to...Healing Hearts Support Organization for providing Nathan's memorial brick at the Angel Of Hope Memorial in Lagrange,GA

This is a wonderful ministry if you are in need of support.

http://www.healingheartsorg.com/ Or
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Healing-Hearts/

The Anchor Holds

The Anchor Holds
Words and music by Lawrence Chewning and Ray Boltz

I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

Ive had visions
Ive had dreams
Ive even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

CHORUS

I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, that's where God proved His love to me

CHORUS (repeat)

Angry Pants

I have recently cycled through an "Angry" stage. I would not say I have said goodbye to this angry stage forever, as I am sure it will cycle back at some point. But this particular season of anger has passed for me, and I am very glad to see it go.

Anger is a strange emotion. I think that is mostly because it is often misdirected. When you loose a child who do you blame it on? Even when human error or reckless decision is involved who do you really blame? In the end doesn't God have the final say? How exactly does a person successfully express anger at the LORD? How does a person ever win that fight? How can a person effectively place blame with the LORD? I think it is human nature to blame our CREATOR when things fall apart. All the more reason for me to adore Him. He allows my rants and loves me still.

I think that anger can be as useful as it is strange. Anger can be used to propel us to another place. Anger can be a handy ladder to have to scale overwhelming walls. We can actually use anger as a catalyst to propel us higher than we could have before. I think this is why God allows it. Even when anger is directed at Him, He knows it has a purpose in the end. Only in being honest about your anger can you overcome what it was that made you angry in the first place. You have to sometimes meet the beast face to face before you can slay it.

I no longer feel like I am a horrible person for being angry. Mostly my anger was because everyone else’s lives seemed to move right along after Nathan’s death. They went to work. They had babies of their own. They laughed and experienced life. While mine seemed to stand still. The truth is that they were suppose to move forward. This is the natural progression of life. We are not meant to stay in misery.

In my humanness it was expected for me to be weak and to be jealous and to feel empty. I am not abnormal for feeling this way. This is what grace is for. God’s grace covers the ugliness of my anger and jealousy, and it allows for me to be forgiven…..especially to forgive myself.


Dear Ones,
Thank you for seeing me through this angry stage. Thank you for loving me despite my misdirected anger. Thank you for not even asking if it was you whom I was angry at? But instead for focusing on encouraging me without ever needing to know the answer.
I love you to reese’s pieces

Keep Your Eyes Open

Keep Your Eyes Open By: Need to Breathe

I love this song. It is like a personal reminder from the LORD. He is telling me to just keep my eyes open, keep my eyes focused on Him. If I just keep fighting the good fight He promises to never leave me. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel, and I can see glimpses of it. I can see glimpses of the brighter days ahead, and I must keep my eyes open during the pain and trials of the everyday. Closing them makes me loose my focus and puts me in the dark again. The battle is already won for me, I just have to keep strong and rememeber that the Lord sees what I cannot. His eyes are always open.

A Series of unfortunate events

A year ago today we buried our son. Last night on the eve of such a horrible day, we buried our sweet dacshund “MoMo”. He was our pal for eleven years. A few days prior to that, while we were at the beach, a man drowned while vacationing with his family.

What a bizarre turn of events. What unexpected sadness. One minute your life is this way and then it is jerked sideways. But still the sun will rise and set. Still the waves will rise and fall. Still we must carry on in some way.

I think Author James Patterson wrote it best in his work ANGEL ( a work of fiction in no way related to the loss of a child)
” The Weird, Weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you’re faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.”


This morning with all the sadness, and uncertainty of life, the sun was shining. There was a soft breeze, and the temperature was perfect. Isn't this just like God? Isn't it just His way to give us such a beautiful morning at the exact moment we need to be reminded He is with us? Somehow I could feel peace on the breeze. And while my eyes are swollen from tears, and my heart is heavy with loss, there is still a reassuring breeze that reminds me that all is not forgotten. As my hair tosses a bit in this breeze I realize.... I never imagined I could stand one year later. I never imagined I could live with such a hurt. And yet here I am. Not completely whole mind you, but together enough to appreciate the breeze itself.