Hibernating

I am currently reading a book titled Assaulted by Grief: finding God in Broken Places. I normally do not read grief self help books because the titles alone make me sad. This one however was sent to my sister and I from her former college professor. It written by faculty members who have also lost children, and I have to say it has been very helpful and encouraging to read.

So tonight I am all tucked in, and the words jump out at me like the melody from an ice cream truck ( I am chubby so that explains the reference…I Digress). Professor Blevins writes, "One of the surprises was my hibernation…I broke into sobs so easily, I did not want to make others feel ill at ease or embarrass myself….walking to my car I realized: my fear of seeing others was no greater than other’s fear of seeing me!”

This is exactly how I feel.

I am very blessed that I have not had to go back to work yet. I concider it a true gift from my Husband and God, that I am allowed to take some time off for this journey. Not everyone is so lucky, and I am sincere in my acknowledgment.
I have busied myself with many other things, but have not had to force myself back into my old “normal” routine. But I sometimes feel like I am in this trance state, and until now I couldn’t find a word for it. Hibernating describes it perfectly. I sometimes am painfully aware that I keep safe and cozy in my own little cubby hole because I am afraid of the interaction I may face. I fear that I may break down at any moment so I tend to avoid social encounters as much as I can. I do attend church regularly, and have even taken part in volunteering, but if I am being honest I am uncomfortable the whole time. I worry about if people can see the invisible sign on my forehead “Caution grieving Mother, may explode at any time!”. I worry that someone will refer to Nathan by the simplest of “How are you doing?” I worry because I always seem to round the corner of the grocery store at the same time as a mommy with her brand new little boy, and I worry that today may be the day I burst into tears. I worry and worry in anticipation of awkwardness and pain. The whole time not thinking that I am not the only one uncomfortable. It is just as awkward for the other person. I don't have to fear that blinking neon "grief sign".
I actually went to a wedding a few weeks back, and enjoyed myself. But what you don’t know is that I could not breath for several seconds as I approached the doors. I ran into lots of loving faces. I had several wonderful embraces. Not once did anyone bring up Nathan, but the fear of it, almost kept be at home in hibernation. I bet they felt apprehension too. But they were brave and kind enough to approach me.

This is not healthy, but it is not abnormal. I cannot tell you how wonderful it felt to read that someone else felt this way too. How wonderful to know that someone else has struggled with feeling boxed in. If we are not careful Grief can trap us. Loss and Grief have a purpose. A purpose I will never understand. God gives no explanation to His ways. Tragedy strikes us all, mostly when we are not looking. But I do not believe it is for punishment. It is not because of some secret sin in our lives. God allows tragedy for reasons I cannot comprehend. But often tragedy allows for honest conversation with God. A relationship forms instead of a religion and we pray intimately probably for the first time.

Loss and Grief do have there place, but it is suppose to be a place where what we have learned cannot hold us. We have to break out of that place and go forward. We have to learn to breath differently. We have to learn to take different steps because we are not meant to sit still in anguish. We do not always get what we deserve, or at least what we think we deserve. We get what we get. We are not in control of what propels us to hibernate. We are only in control of how long we choose hibernate. I think it has comfort for a while, but sooner or later we have to come out of the safe place we have created because it is not realistic.

Life is messy, and unpredictable, but it is also wonderful, and funny. There are moments of joy that we are going to miss if we sit in grief’s cocoon too long. Think about this. If a caterpillar stays in the cocoon forever, won’t it just die? Eventually it has to become a new creature, bust out, and fly away. Can I get an Amen?

Trust In Me Now?

Thank you Mom for giving me wise counsel. Thank you for the honest conversation that inspired this honest blog.


Do I trust in God?
Do I trust in Him when He is all I have left?
Do I trust Him when I can’t feel Him? I have to be honest…Sometimes I fear that I only trust Him in theory.
To set it straight …I believe that every word of His Holy Word is divinely accurate. Even when I struggle with the meanings and my own interpretations. I trust that He is who He says He is. I Trust that He is The Great I Am. I Trust that He is my Creator.
I want to trust Him completely, in every area of my life. But some time after Nathan died I started to fear that I only trust Him in theory. Can this be right? Can I be holding back and choosing what and when I Trust God?

Recently I when to Nathan’s Grave. I went with my Husband on a beautiful evening. We sat for a while and I just could not hold back the tears. I shook my head at Heaven and cried “Why God? Why?” “How do I let Him Go?” “ How do I move forward Lord without leaving Him behind?” ‘What do you want for me?” “Will Nathan ever know how much we wanted Him?” “Will he ever know how much I ache for him?” “What do I do next” It was one of those waves of grief where I just wanted to pull up a pillow and sleep right there on the cold ground next to Nathan. One of those nights where James had to sweetly pick me up and force me to leave. That is always the hardest part. Knowing when to leave, knowing when to let go.

This is what I mean by trusting in theory. I am crying out to the right One. I am trusting that He hears my pleas. I am trusting that He has the answers. I am trusting that He knows the way. But I lack faith enough to just let Him lead me without Him telling me what our next move will be. I trust Him to Lead, but I struggle with side seat driving. How can I walk by faith if I feel I need the directions in advance? How can I trust that God knows the way when I desperately want Him to tell me our next move?

Other’s before me have asked God why?
J Randall O’Brien PhD. (President and Professor at Carson-Newman College) wrote the following in a wonderful book titled Assaulted by Grief: finding God in the Broken Places
Jeremiah certainly asked, “Why?” Habakkuk asked, “Why?” So did the Psalmist. Job asked God “Why?” five times in chapter 3 alone, Even Jesus cried out from the cross “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”……..it was precisely because they enjoyed such an intensely intimate relationship with their heavenly Father that each felt the freedom to express His true feelings…..Our Lord welcomes honest conversation, which is true prayer. If it were a sin to ask God, “Why” our Savior would not be sinless.

I love this excerpt because I am learning to Trust God with Nathan. Meaning his life, his death, and the life I am left to live. On those days when I shout a thousand “Why’s?” the excerpt above helps remind me that I am not sinning against God by questioning Him. Who else do you talk to about God? Except for God Himself.

Now for the sake of confusion. I know that the Bible clearly warns about how the clay should not ask the potter why He has made him this way. But for the strugglers out there such as myslef.. what a comfort to at least know that I am not a horrible sinner for doing so. And that God in all His Grace even allows me to do so.

Trusting God is sometimes a process, and it has to be an honest conversation you have with Him. You have to admit you are lacking trust. You have to go to the God you are not trusting, and ask Him to show you that trust. It is a full circle of emotion and it all starts with being Honest. Honesty with God is the start of it all. For I trust that he knows my heart through and through. I admit that I need a refresher course in trusting God, but at least I am honest about it. And so the dialog between Him and I has begun again. I am trying not to speak so much this time. I am really really trying.

Thank You Lord for allowing my to try and try again. Thank You for endless chances at the same things. Thank you for speaking to me in the silence. Can you teach me how to trust you properly.?
I trust you know how difficult I can be. Thank you for the whispered discipline. I trust that I need you. Desperately.
I trust you are the only One True God. Can we start there for today? I love you …I trust you knew that before time began .

Just Breathe

What an amazing song by Superchick. Sometimes, when all the air seems to be sucked out of the room, I have to remind myself to just breath. There are those times when my knees weaken and I fall into my grief. Those are the times when God does the breathing for me.

Walk with me

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

This illustrates my walk with God these days. I am the not so sure Piglet, and God is the ever comforting Pooh Bear. Sometimes it makes all the difference just knowing I am not alone. How gracious He is to walk beside me, and to remind me He is there. Oh... and for not being offended that I affectionatly refered to Him as "Pooh Bear".

oh LORD

Oh LORD,
What are you doing with all of this? What am I expected to learn from this pain? Am I doing O.K....at least for today anyway? Some days the pain is just so raw, and other days painfully far away. I am not sure which feels worse though, and I wonder if I am trusting you and your promise to prosper me. Do I even really know what it means to trust you? Will I one day be like Job or Paul even? Will I ever be strong and wise and close to you like they learned to be? Will others one day tell my story long after I am gone, and tell of my love and devotion to you even through the worst of times? Will I be able to be such a person that can even thank you for this trial? Am I really being refined? I don't feel refined just burned. Please remind me that one day....one day...one day...I don't even know what, just remind me LORD. Remind me how important I am to you. Remind me that you are still in control. You know me better than I do, Remind me LORD..remind me.

I do love you, you know,
Samara

A Sobering Question

Often the worst times are in the wee hours of the morning. You simply can’t sleep, even if you have a prescription that can take down a 300 pound bear, you still can’t sleep.
These are the times when I just get out of bed. I have two things I like to do.
First is clean. Reason One is that I enjoy a clean house, and reason two being that after a bit it helps lull you back to sleep with a sense of accomplishment at the very least.
Second is to write, Blogging to you sweet souls puts me more at ease than most things. Even if I start out angry or confused I end up with the peace that undoubtedly God had planned for me in the first place.

What kept me up tonight was the very sobering question we and or our family gets asked a lot. “Are you (they) going to try again?” I will tell you that there is nothing wrong with this question if asked at the appropriate time. After Nathan first passed away it offended me honestly. But now I can answer it knowing that the asker is not trying to hurt me at all. I think most people are generally good, and mean no harm. So I think that They are simply trying to help you place hope of a new beginning back in your heart. They are simply trying to comfort you in a way that seems appropriate in that moment. They simply want your pain to be set aside long enough to see the hope of maybe just maybe.

But these are the things that still run through my head when asked such a sobering question….
How could I even answer that question when I still feel like I am in a horrible dream sequence? Also what do they mean by try again? Do they mean try harder not to loose the next baby? Do they mean try not to blame ourselves every moment for loosing the last baby? Yes I want another baby, but not as a replacement! Does me even considering it make me a horrible person?
These thoughts and questions swirl around in my head until my eyelids get hot.

Now askers ...I know that you mean well. I know there is not an ounce of malice in your quandary. But I do recommend praying for God to show you when that window has been opened for discussion. Then you will know the right words to say at just the right time.

And for those of us being asked...Please know they mean no harm only comfort. So simply say what is comfortable for you. Be honest if you don't even want to answer. They will understand.

And if you have asked me or want to ask me here is my heartfelt response.
 "We are praying about it" because dear ones we honestly are, and that is all we know for now. We have learned through this tragedy that God really is in control of it all. So for us it is best to pray and be still. Let God's plan work itself out.

Satan will attack our grief journey. But scripture proves that we are not alone. Our suffering is only temporary. And that The Victor is on the way! So hold tight to the verses below and may they bring you courage. We may be weak but Jesus is strong, and we will overcome...even this.

1 Peter 5:8-11
New American Standard Bible (NASB)

8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
9 But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
11 To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Mother's Day

A special Mother's Day to all. This year is going to be especially difficult. That being said I am still blessed to have peace beyond understanding. Even though our little ones are not with us, We are still Mother's. We can have peace knowing they are safe and sound with the Lord.

The Cord
We are connected
My child and I
By an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us until birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on earth

This cord does its work
Right from the start
It binds us together
Attached to the heart

I know that it is there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me

The strength of this cord
It is hard to describe
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied

It is stronger than any cord man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight

And though you are gone
Though you're not here with me
The cord is still there
But no one can see

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised
I am sore
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before

I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child
Death cannot take it away



Thank You to Lori Beth Blaney, Director of Rachel's Gift Inc.
For Sending me this poem

The 8th day

Today I was bummed. I woke up bummed. Showered bummed. Got ready for the day bummed. And did everything bummed the rest of the day. At first I assumed it was because everything I tried on didn’t fit right. You ever have those days? Shirt too tight. Jeans tighter than yesterday. Even my shoes seemed tighter. Then I remembered the shoes never really fit right and that gave me slight relief. Why am I even keeping these silly shoes. I digress….

I spent the day with my sister. We did a little shopping. I used some awesome coupons, and even got 30cents off per gallon! (Thank You Kroger) This alone should have brightened my day. I even had a few really good laughs throughout. But still I was bummed. I even had a slight ache beyond my temples. But I just couldn’t name what it was that was bothering me. I mean besides the obvious, but that is an ache I have become familiar with. I even dare say an ache I am learning to live with. But for some reason today was different. I even had pizza for dinner! Which side note makes me instantly happy on every occasion.

Then I laid my head down, closed my eyes, and quickly it came to me. Today is the 8th of the month. Nathan’s 9 month mark. All day my heart was aching. I was out of sorts all day and just couldn’t name why. I am not sure how to feel exactly. Normally I anticipate the 8th of each month. I anticipate being a little sad and plan accordingly. But this month snuck up on me, and I cried thinking….
I wonder why? Does this make me a bad person? When did I stop counting the days? When did the 8th of the month become just another day? Is this progress or something negative? Is it O.K. that I did not mark the day?


The truth is that with or without me intentionally putting this day aside, my heart knew all along. My heart knew what day it was, but also knew I needed to keep living on this particular day. Maybe it was O.K. to feel a deeper ache today, but to keep going without giving the date itself power. Maybe I shouldn’t put the 8th day of each month in a box, and stare at it all day long. Maybe my heart will hurt and heal with or without my input. Grief obviously doesn’t need my itinerary. God is obviously healing my heart in His time. His time is perfect. Maybe I need to be O.K. that I went with the flow today. Truth be told Nathan is still safe and sound in Glory no matter what day it is. Maybe I need to start marking the 8th day of the month positive instead. The 8th day of the month is when I met Him. The 8th day of the month was when James and I finally held him and kissed his chubby cheeks. The 8th day of the month He was already in Glory.

Today I was shopping I saw a wall plaque that I really wanted to buy. The words really spoke to me. I have seen it a few times, and it always catches my attention. Maybe next week I will go ahead and get it. Because I just now realized what it truly means. It reads…..

Keep Calm and Carry On

Good advice, because in the end, the truth is that I hear God best in the stillness, and He can't guide my steps if don't keep moving.

A little reminder please

Lord, I know you guide my steps. I do not do anything without you. I am never without your affection. But today Lord I need reminded. I need reminded that this pain is just a part of the refining fire. I need reminded that one day I will be beyond this, and maybe even better because of it. I need you to remind me who I am to you, and that no matter my doubts, I still need to trust you. Today, this very moment, I need you to remind me to believe even though I cannot see. Remind me that this is just for a little while, and that "one day at a time" is an acceptable pace. Remind me that I do not have to move the mountains. Remind me that this is your task, and that I only have to climb them. As always thank you for your patience. You know my soul well. Sometimes I just need a little reminder. Thank You for you grace :)